not even wondering

I've had trouble writing here lately, to the point that i've had trouble even responding on other peoples' posts.  When i read others' posts - i feel what they are saying, i see a response in my head, fully formed and complete - but i can't focus on it long enough to get it out my fingers.  Likewise, as things happen to me or i have thoughts that would be put here - i see the whole thing, done, fini, without the thinking and exploring and wondering I've grown used to.  It passes from fleeting thought to filed away and forgotten before i can even look at it.  

Probably this is an overly dramatic view.  Really - my mental energy is being pulled elsewhere.  Usually i can do the things i do and have enough background processing power left to run the fun stuff too.  Not so much lately.  Or i'm getting old and the processing capacity is less - but i'll keep telling myself that's not it - it's just  a phase.

I do know what subjects have come up, been noted, and then, apparently, resolved and filed without the usual due process.  Maybe i'll be able to pull them out and think about them eventually.  Maybe it's where i'm meant to be - learning things and accepting them without all the noise.

Either way, some random things i've come to realize lately......

I really, really love my husband.  

When he comes home, lying in bed with him finally, i am different, my body relaxes and melts into him; my mind does the same, there's a warmth that flows....  It didn't used to be that way - I used to be glad he was home, and glad to have him next to me.  This is more palpable, more overwhelming.

Sex is very important.  Not as in the advice columns in the grocery store magazines, that a couple should have sex regularly to maintain closeness and intimacy.  I mean that his ownership of my body and especially all the sexual aspects of me, means that, whether blatant and overt, or only implied and subtle, sex has become a very important channel and connection point between us - all the time.  He communicates with me through it, and he moves and controls me with it.   

He likes my pain.  

I have a great deal to learn about the service and giving of myself aspects of all of this.  When i am quite honest with myself, i often don't put him first in my actions; my first thoughts are often for myself; and i'm not even sure if or to what extent i ought to move that, or how he feels about it.  

I'm not sure it has anything at all to do with being submissive, but... I've realized more recently is that i  hold myself back. In cases where i can and should step forward and do bigger things, where i am capable and ready and ought to take on challenges, i sometimes remain comfortable with good enough. I don't think it's a fear of failure, or even a fear of being wrong, i'm sure i have both of those in play too, but this is different - i underestimate myself sometimes and it's not a good or useful or even benign thing.  

Likely most of these bear more thought, especially the last two.  Maybe someday i will be able to do that.