I turn into a completely different person when he is gone
This isn't new - not his travelling - and not the way i react.
This has been his job since before we started dating - it has always been our reality.
He is never gone all that long. It is is job, not golf trips with buddies. He is wonderfully engaged and with us when he is home. He works very hard to minimize the impact.
And i have always - not fallen apart, not at all - but i am a very different person once he leaves. Probably I need to be different on some level, single and single parent is different than together and co-parent.
Slipping in and out of in-charge vs. not - that transition has to happen every day, often multiple times as i go from home to work to interacting with the kids to interacting with him - i manage it with varying degrees of success and grace (or not).
This is not that - i think, maybe.
I watched myself yesterday. He left, all was fine, sweet, nice. He called when he landed and i heard a different person talk to him on the phone: short, terse, not nice and not engaged. I saw it and couldn't stop myself.
When he is away - i manage the house and the kids, no problem. But i don't manage myself. I stay up too late, eat poorly, skip exercise, blow off work that i ought to do......
I become a person i don't especially like - and i am a million miles away from being His.
I don't know what happens. And i don't know how to fix it.
I have been reading the words of Nisargadatta tonight and the sentence that popped out at me was - "We want longevity and yet we overeat" and then, "the only thought should be 'I am'". I'm too new to his writing to take it all in right away but there's something about that thought that we want something but then blow ourselves up that bears a lot of thought.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
DeleteYou're right - it bears a lot of thought - it is an awfully common issue. thank you.
Well, they say admitting you have a problem is step one. Within a dynamic, I know some people have success with a maintenance type session before he leaves to give you the mindset. Others use directions from afar (like butt plugs and dressing instructions) to keep a hold. But I have also been pondering a transition word lately, something to grab the attention and refocus you. For instance if he calls, and you are disconnected, he could say 'green' (or whatever) and you would know it is time to focus.
ReplyDeleteOh, I don't know - I make suggestions, but only because it seems like you are looking for them. Not sure if that is true though. :)
Kitty,
Deletethat is an intriguing idea - the transition word - the image i get is someone at a show being hypnotized and then the presenter saying "chicken" and the participant starts doing silly things in a daze. It makes me think about all the conditioning involved in this whole thing and the fact that we let ourselves be conditioned - in fact - we want it. Which makes me wonder why i resist any influence from him when he is away, yet i give over to it so easily when he is here. But - this is part of what i think i do need. I need to get control of myself - obviously. But a trigger, or cue that i need to switch gears, something to remind me of what is expected. Thank you for this comment.
Ahh gg--I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteWith my husband traveling more than ever, its taken me awhile to learn a new ebb and flow, while he is away.
I have found occupying myself with something that I wouldn't normally do when he is here helps--its an element of something new that keeps my focus. For us, its not always possible to communicate during these absences, so in the past he has left me notes to be opened while he is away, with little things to do. It could be ordinary, everyday, household/errand things but its a further reminder of us/him/normalcy. It can be so hard though and it took us quite awhile to discover what worked for us in this situation.
*hugs* & I love the new background :o)
Bleuame,
Deletethanks. We have a few things in place - and they work to a greater or lesser extent - depending - i just don't know depending on what. Well - i guess - depending on how much i let them.
Yes i understand gg - Daddy had to recently leave for a whole month and we only have limited contact :(
ReplyDeleteBut when Daddy has to travel (or me) for work He always leaves me with tasks to fulfil, like wearing my gemstone on certain evenings or having to go sans panties etc. Fulfilling the tasks or requirements always makes me feel so much closer to Him.
Perhaps your husband might be able to suggest similar things for you to undertake (they could be as simple as wearing His t-shirt to sleep in).
good luck gg xx
Ava Grace,
DeleteFunny you should mention - I am wearing the t-shirt he left me to wear right now. A month! wow - that is tough. Here it is only a few days a week. And i think it is a matter of my trying harder to cooperate with the things that are in place. Thank you.
Sorry for the late post but I've been pondering this post since you wrote it -- it sounds just like me, and that's not pretty to admit. My husband just returned from an out-of-state interview. If he decides to take the job it will mean that he works from home, but regularly travels (a few days a month most likely). So your post really hit home.
ReplyDeleteHere's what my conclusion is: I'm resentful. And it feels ugly to say that. We have four children (the youngest is 18 months), and I am homeschooling three of them. It's not simply that there's too much responsibility/work to carry when he's gone, because I don't feel the same way when he works long hours. And, like you, I shift in and out of positions of responsibility constantly. I think most people would be hard-pressed to see me as submissive.
I think that what I resent is that he is getting away. I have been tethered to children for a full decade now. Don't get me wrong -- I love them, and I love having a large family. But I would love to have a reason to get on an airplane and travel. I'd love to rent a spotlessly clean car. I'd love to eat whatever and wherever I'd like, and without entertaining kids at the same time! Quite simply, I've come to realize that I crave that feeling of total independence.
Of course, it's all an illusion. I know that business travel is lonely and stressful, and frankly, my husband doesn't enjoy it. But at least you've given me a chance to finally identify the problem. Now I just need to find a solution. Because adding more rules or tasks to someone who is resentful probably isn't going to solve the problem! ;-)
--Pam
Pam,
DeleteWelcome. We have been doing life this way as long as we've been together, before kids, through kids, and now that they are getting older (teens now). I've had resentment - by the bucketful, and still do sometimes. We've had the same discussions - "you get out, you meet people - grownup people, nice meals, and quiet time." He recognizes that, and i recognize that he really doesn't like to be alone, away from his family, etc. I don't know what the solution is, i do know that i am better at times, and at others i am worse. I also know that our solution will be unique to us - tasks for the sake of doing tasks (busywork) would indeed make me resentful and angry. Doing something (manageable) because it makes him happy - that might go in the right direction. We will be working on this one awhile i imagine. Good luck to you, it's hard, rewarding, but hard.
I know how you like the comparisons of dogs and submissives (lol) but this is what I immediately thought of when I read this post. My dog is different when my Husband is not at the house. She barks at every little thing and seems to be on what I call "high alert." She relaxes so much more when my Husband is home. Perhaps you are simply on your own form of high alert. Maybe you are so tuned into managing the home and kids well during these periods that you don't have as much mental energy to manage yourself as well, or to connect on a deeper and more emotional level.
ReplyDeleteYea - the dog analogies aren't my favorite. But, you're right, sometimes they're apt. I do go on higher alert, i don't sleep as soundly, the wheels turn faster. So that part does make sense. The boys are getting to the point that i don't need to be quite so keyed up and vigilant - maybe that is part of the adjustment i need to make. thank you.
DeleteIt's hard being apart. When I have to go out of town, Joy reacts very similarly to what you describe, gg. I can hear in her voice when we're on the phone that she's trying to be nice and trying to continue her role, but it's...forced, I think. I'm afraid I don't know how to fix it either. We haven't had much luck with tasks as described above. It's hard when there's no real-time reward for good behavior or discipline for bad. About all that works for us is to muscle our way through it and then make up when I get home...
ReplyDeleteWish I had more to offer!
"Forced" - that's it exactly. The reward/discipline - that is an interesting angle to think about - neither are a big part of our dynamic - at least not so explicitly - it's more like positive and negative guidance for overall behavior, attitude, state of being. But yes - even that is missing when he's away. Plus - he's just plain not there for me to see - to know how i impact him. Thank you.
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