Sunday, November 25, 2012
why is sex so important anyhow?
As i'm sitting here - my cunt is twitching and fluttering, my clit is swollen, i'm leaking juice, the slightest touch or movement across my nipples sends shockwaves to my pussy - my abs contract to try to absorb the feelings that have nowhere to go. Deeper in my psyche, i want to be overtaken, completely stripped of control, tormented, hurt, used in the most base ways. i long to see that hunger on your face - the look that makes me afraid and draws me in, the look that is you but not you, the look that is you on the edge of your own control
I texted that to him as he was at one son's soccer game and i was getting ready to go to the grocery store. It had been that way all day. It started first thing in the morning with him coming all over my chest. It's a silly thing, but something about him coming on me arouses me insanely. He painted my breasts and nipples with it and i nearly came with no other touch. But he left me there. He left it to dry and be worn all day and me to go through the day on that very high edge.
I think this was partly him having fun with his toy just cuz he can, partly him re-establishing or reminding us of our dynamic in a very effective (and not too onerous for him) way. Maybe there was a whole lot more behind it for him - maybe not. The communication about the feelings and motivations and mental processes about the whole thing are pretty one way here: i am expected to share, he isn't.
Like i suppose a lot of people, we started with D/s in the bedroom, but honestly, looking back, it was impossible that it would stay there.
Recently a friend of mine was complaining about a thing she had been asking her husband to do for some time, she said she had finally decided to withhold sex until he took care of the task. I think that is the way i had seen sex fitting into marriage. I had actually never thought to use it to manipulate him, i think i never gave it even that much weight in my mind. But it was, for me, a very small, very discreet and separate little component of our whole life.
But it isn't small, or separate, or discreet (in the "entity unto itself" sense; we do try to keep it discreet in the "out of the public view" sense).
He has control of my body and its responses. No matter what bad feelings or negative emotions or rational argument i have against him at any moment, it is impossible for me to deny to him or to myself that i am His. Even at its most subtle, his reminding me of that fact is incredibly effective at re-orienting me.
We can't or don't live our roles so overtly day to day; they are there, but not for all the world to see. Sex is always dominance and submission. It is where we can establish and reinforce our positions and feed our individual needs for those roles. It is where the greatest opportunity exists to add other elements: bondage, control, pain, humiliation, containment, to further reinforce and really feed our needs.
For the gentler, more positive spin on it - when we are connected sexually, no matter how subtly, i am more open to him, i listen better, i imagine he is more attuned to me as well. As a friend put it to me, "It is so much harder to get mad and fight when one is always on a sexual edge, compassion is higher, emotion heavier, empathy stronger... and then everything else is easier - parenting, work, paying the bills..."
It is also a very non-cerebral thing. All of the good stuff, what i've written about above, happens without my reasoning it out; in fact, it usually happens in spite of my trying to reason around it. [And yes - i do see the irony of all this navel gazing in order to post about it]