Saturday, November 17, 2012

not even wondering

I've had trouble writing here lately, to the point that i've had trouble even responding on other peoples' posts.  When i read others' posts - i feel what they are saying, i see a response in my head, fully formed and complete - but i can't focus on it long enough to get it out my fingers.  Likewise, as things happen to me or i have thoughts that would be put here - i see the whole thing, done, fini, without the thinking and exploring and wondering I've grown used to.  It passes from fleeting thought to filed away and forgotten before i can even look at it.  

Probably this is an overly dramatic view.  Really - my mental energy is being pulled elsewhere.  Usually i can do the things i do and have enough background processing power left to run the fun stuff too.  Not so much lately.  Or i'm getting old and the processing capacity is less - but i'll keep telling myself that's not it - it's just  a phase.

I do know what subjects have come up, been noted, and then, apparently, resolved and filed without the usual due process.  Maybe i'll be able to pull them out and think about them eventually.  Maybe it's where i'm meant to be - learning things and accepting them without all the noise.

Either way, some random things i've come to realize lately......

I really, really love my husband.  

When he comes home, lying in bed with him finally, i am different, my body relaxes and melts into him; my mind does the same, there's a warmth that flows....  It didn't used to be that way - I used to be glad he was home, and glad to have him next to me.  This is more palpable, more overwhelming.

Sex is very important.  Not as in the advice columns in the grocery store magazines, that a couple should have sex regularly to maintain closeness and intimacy.  I mean that his ownership of my body and especially all the sexual aspects of me, means that, whether blatant and overt, or only implied and subtle, sex has become a very important channel and connection point between us - all the time.  He communicates with me through it, and he moves and controls me with it.   

He likes my pain.  

I have a great deal to learn about the service and giving of myself aspects of all of this.  When i am quite honest with myself, i often don't put him first in my actions; my first thoughts are often for myself; and i'm not even sure if or to what extent i ought to move that, or how he feels about it.  

I'm not sure it has anything at all to do with being submissive, but... I've realized more recently is that i  hold myself back. In cases where i can and should step forward and do bigger things, where i am capable and ready and ought to take on challenges, i sometimes remain comfortable with good enough. I don't think it's a fear of failure, or even a fear of being wrong, i'm sure i have both of those in play too, but this is different - i underestimate myself sometimes and it's not a good or useful or even benign thing.  


Likely most of these bear more thought, especially the last two.  Maybe someday i will be able to do that.  



16 comments:

  1. I hold myself back, too.
    I don't think it's exactly cowardice but I do know that I don't process stress well, (<insert understatement) so a lot of times, it's simply that on weighing the options, I don't see the rewards as being worth the pain, nausea, and sleeplessness.
    But I do wonder...

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    1. Jz,
      I hadn't considered the stress angle. I don't know if that's it for me - well - the stress of the work probably isn't, maybe the stress of expectations, of leading, of extending myself and being front and center - those i do not thrive on. thanks for adding some thoughts.

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  2. I'm in the hold myself back category as well, and like Jz, not a great processor of stress.

    And it's not a bad thing to have times where there's no wondering right? Everyone needs a bit of mental quiet, at least in some areas, sometimes. It makes life seem so much more manageable...

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    1. lil,
      The holding back - i do sort of wonder where that comes from, and the stress avoidance does make sense. Something for me to think about as i'm sort of at a point that i need to decide to step up or back off. And yes - i can look back over the past month or so and see that i really did need the mental space for other things. Thank you.

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  3. GG: Hear you on the 'holding myself back' thought, too. But love this post...that affect of being warmed and loved and recognizing it over and over again is so great :o)

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    1. Blueame,
      Thank you. My husband's only response to this post was, "Good to know you love me after all these years." I guess i didn't quite convey what i was talking about, at least for him. I'm glad you see it. It is a different thing. I've always felt love and loved, this is more encompassing and concrete. And it is great.

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  4. The thing is not everything has to be processed right now. It is okay to file it away for another day in fact it is healthy.

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    1. Sir J,
      I have been trying to force it, to read trouble into it, worrying about it. Maybe you're right ;) Clearly my brain needs the space for other things - likely all this will be here when i get back. thank you.

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  5. I love the quote by Scarlet O'Hara. "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow" The fact is, you note it. You recognize it. Maybe now isn't the time to think about it.

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    1. this girl,
      That's perfect. I generally hate when i end up being associated with being melodramatic, but i suppose if the shoe fits... I do think that, as we find the time, this will start some discussions with my husband. So it is good. Thank you.

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  6. Oh yes, I go through phases where I also have several half formed thoughts, but I can't just focus in. After a while I get sick of it (because it is stressful for me to not finish a thought) and force myself to write a post. Any post. That seems to break it, but then before you know it, I am having a hard time focusing again.

    Sigh.

    Good to hear from you though!

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    1. I do envy the people who seem to be able to take control of their minds and focus on what they need to , when they need to. When i'm on - i'm good, when i'm not, it's fairly hopeless. You're better at it than i if you can force yourself to finish - but you may have a really good point - the effect of so many half formed thoughts does build up - forcing my way through a bit might be a good thing. Thank you.

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  7. GG, I totally get that overwhelming-being-in-their-presence thing :)
    I have always loved Daddy, but the more I submit the greater the connection on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.

    lovely post

    ava x

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    1. Ava Grace,
      That feeling is both surprising and I wonder why it wasn't always there. In the end, it's better than all the other bigger sensations though. Thank you.

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  8. I do mindfulness exercises that help train me (sort of anyway) to notice thoughts, but not let them distract me from what is in the present moment. So perhaps less wondering is actually living more mindfully.

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    1. Serenity,
      I imagine you are exactly right. That's very much worth learning about for me I think. Thank you.

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