Monday, January 28, 2013

irrational

I was away all last week at a conference.  It was a good conference, and went really well for me professionally.  It was warm and sunny, but many time zones away.  I was a different me there, not connected to submissive or not submissive at all.  

I have not slipped back into home and roles here smoothly.

I wanted it.  I missed my husband, I missed my family.  I wanted to come home and relax into our life, catching up, reconnecting, submitting.

Instead we had more travel, big family events, no alone time, and the pressures and demands and things to do that are our actual life.

Looking back, what i guess i really wanted was quiet, warmth, home, ease, and to feel myself slip back into submission. Note the overwhelmingly passive nature of all of that.  I wanted to not listen, not work, not do; i wanted to have done to me.

And boy did i get unpleasant when i didn't get it.  

Unpleasant and irrational:
    i was upset that it seemed like they hadn't needed me while i was gone, but i was upset when he
         admitted it was hard to do everything without me around;
    i was mad at him for not actively taking control and providing lots of dominance, yet i resisted him
          at every turn;
    i wanted to be taken and used, but i pulled away from his touch;
    i wanted to reconnect, but i wouldn't talk to him....

And, oddly enough, my becoming irritable (read - irrational) did nothing to encourage him to provide me with what i really wanted, not that i was able to express what i really wanted in any case.

I wanted to be conquered - i wanted to be conquered when i was at my most belligerent and wound up.  And he will not fight me for the control.




BTW - Tori - here - has a much more rational, useful take on the same thing.





13 comments:

  1. *hugs* GG, it can be so hard to be at these kinds of odds. I loved how you expressed all of this...it brought so much to mind.
    I hope things are a little more relaxed now and you're finding the ebb and flow ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Things are coming around. At the time i wanted the easy fix, now i see that we both learn much more this way.

      Delete
  2. Sometimes all it takes is for one little thing not to fall into place, and the whole kit and kaboodle follows that into the toilet...
    I'm sorry it was yukky - but know it will improve! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks - you are right and i value the support.

      Delete
  3. Oh, GG. Sorry. It is almost always out of whack when we've been apart. It takes time to meld things back together. Like you, I know a good knock down drag it out of me would help and I don't get it-because then I'm trying to be in control. Sigh. Hang in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do think i'm not the only one - even though i feel completely incompetent at the time. When we weren't connected in this way - it was easier to come and go. And yea - the easy fix is not what's going to happen. Thank you.

      Delete
  4. it must be hard to do TTWD 24/7....I'm not in that world, and sometimes think of it with longing...and then realize..how very hard it has to be...

    Hoping that you and He are back in a better place now; every step down the wrong road can lead you to a new place. (Hope its a GOOD place and not, you know, Hell or something. *grin*)

    nilla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nilla,
      I think it's a grass is greener, or curly hair straight hair thing. There are ups and downs. I like the ups, and mostly the downs eventually lead to learning and growth and other noble but painful things. We are coming around now - thank you.

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
  6. At least we always have that opportunity, after we're able to be rational again, to go to them and explain how we were feeling and finally ask for what we needed in the first place. :-)

    *hugs*

    Turiya

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    Replies
    1. Turiya,
      Thank you - we have talked about it - and i was able to articulate some of my feelings - but to a great extent i really don't know what i wanted or needed. i was just off. I do know that him not just giving me what i thought i wanted at the time was better in the long run.

      Delete
  7. Boy do I ever know this situation! It's hard to get through, and I feel for you guys, gg! No fun for either of you...

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    Replies
    1. Jake,
      I suppose most people have been through some version of this. These days - we are able to come up out of the lows more easily than in the past, and we seem to learn something each time. Thanks.

      Delete