irrational

I was away all last week at a conference.  It was a good conference, and went really well for me professionally.  It was warm and sunny, but many time zones away.  I was a different me there, not connected to submissive or not submissive at all.  

I have not slipped back into home and roles here smoothly.

I wanted it.  I missed my husband, I missed my family.  I wanted to come home and relax into our life, catching up, reconnecting, submitting.

Instead we had more travel, big family events, no alone time, and the pressures and demands and things to do that are our actual life.

Looking back, what i guess i really wanted was quiet, warmth, home, ease, and to feel myself slip back into submission. Note the overwhelmingly passive nature of all of that.  I wanted to not listen, not work, not do; i wanted to have done to me.

And boy did i get unpleasant when i didn't get it.  

Unpleasant and irrational:
    i was upset that it seemed like they hadn't needed me while i was gone, but i was upset when he
         admitted it was hard to do everything without me around;
    i was mad at him for not actively taking control and providing lots of dominance, yet i resisted him
          at every turn;
    i wanted to be taken and used, but i pulled away from his touch;
    i wanted to reconnect, but i wouldn't talk to him....

And, oddly enough, my becoming irritable (read - irrational) did nothing to encourage him to provide me with what i really wanted, not that i was able to express what i really wanted in any case.

I wanted to be conquered - i wanted to be conquered when i was at my most belligerent and wound up.  And he will not fight me for the control.




BTW - Tori - here - has a much more rational, useful take on the same thing.