I have both consented to be His - whatever He determines that to mean - once and for all, and I have chosen, and continue to choose to be His - at each juncture, over and over again. I know these two are opposites, they appear mutually exclusive. Somehow in my head they are not - they are both absolutely true, and absolutely fundamental to our relationship.
I have given myself - entirely and forever - to him because.... This one is hard to put into words - i have because that is what i feel, because it's not me giving myself if it's conditional or limited, or constrained in any way. Because my commitment isn't tenuous or temporary. Because giving just what's easy isn't anything. I am a whole person, the known and the as yet undiscovered, I'm not divisible, and i have to give him all of me or none. Because if it's for a finite time - it's not really giving, it's renting or leasing. I retain control in the end.
Because i trust him - all the way, not with limits, even for the situations we haven't imagined yet. Because he needs to have that total trust. Because he wants me to be open to him, all the way, in every way. Because that's where and how this power exchange works for us - the openness and intimacy and connection that is only possible if it is all encompassing. Because he asked me to jump and I did.
A once and done agreement is a box though - a large one or a small one - it's still a box. There are edges and boundaries somewhere- walls that define the size of my world. Or maybe a circle defined by the length of the chain i'm tethered to. Somewhere there is a point at which i want to balk, or stop, or go my own way. It may be a trivial thing, or it may be a very, very important thing - but there will be times that i must go his way no matter what. I can go about my merry way until i hit the walls or the end of the chain - then I'm stopped.
There is a safety and security in being in that box. The walls may be occasionally maddening, but the fact that they are there is most often comforting. Whether simple or desperately complicated, having the choice out of my hands is easier, easier to do the little, stupid, things and the really, really hard things if you know the wall or the chain is going to make that choice for you anyhow.
And it's not me and it's not open, and it's not honest and it's not trust if i have no choice in the matter. I have to be engaged and paying attention and thinking and feeling and choosing. To obey, I have to have the choice not to. To submit, to give myself to him, I have to have the choice not to. I think he needs to know that i choose, that I consent. For me - to fall back on "I will do whatever - but only because you say so," is a form of closing myself down to him.
Choosing each time - leaves me free to move around the whole world, out of the box and off the chain, but always as His.