I have both consented to be His - whatever He determines that to mean - once and for all, and I have chosen, and continue to choose to be His - at each juncture, over and over again. I know these two are opposites, they appear mutually exclusive. Somehow in my head they are not - they are both absolutely true, and absolutely fundamental to our relationship.
I have given myself - entirely and forever - to him because.... This one is hard to put into words - i have because that is what i feel, because it's not me giving myself if it's conditional or limited, or constrained in any way. Because my commitment isn't tenuous or temporary. Because giving just what's easy isn't anything. I am a whole person, the known and the as yet undiscovered, I'm not divisible, and i have to give him all of me or none. Because if it's for a finite time - it's not really giving, it's renting or leasing. I retain control in the end.
Because i trust him - all the way, not with limits, even for the situations we haven't imagined yet. Because he needs to have that total trust. Because he wants me to be open to him, all the way, in every way. Because that's where and how this power exchange works for us - the openness and intimacy and connection that is only possible if it is all encompassing. Because he asked me to jump and I did.
A once and done agreement is a box though - a large one or a small one - it's still a box. There are edges and boundaries somewhere- walls that define the size of my world. Or maybe a circle defined by the length of the chain i'm tethered to. Somewhere there is a point at which i want to balk, or stop, or go my own way. It may be a trivial thing, or it may be a very, very important thing - but there will be times that i must go his way no matter what. I can go about my merry way until i hit the walls or the end of the chain - then I'm stopped.
There is a safety and security in being in that box. The walls may be occasionally maddening, but the fact that they are there is most often comforting. Whether simple or desperately complicated, having the choice out of my hands is easier, easier to do the little, stupid, things and the really, really hard things if you know the wall or the chain is going to make that choice for you anyhow.
And it's not me and it's not open, and it's not honest and it's not trust if i have no choice in the matter. I have to be engaged and paying attention and thinking and feeling and choosing. To obey, I have to have the choice not to. To submit, to give myself to him, I have to have the choice not to. I think he needs to know that i choose, that I consent. For me - to fall back on "I will do whatever - but only because you say so," is a form of closing myself down to him.
Choosing each time - leaves me free to move around the whole world, out of the box and off the chain, but always as His.
" I'm not divisible, and i have to give him all of me or none. Because if it's for a finite time - it's not really giving, it's renting or leasing. I retain control in the end."
ReplyDeleteThis sums up how I feel so perfectly. Well said!
lil,
Deletethank you - there was - not surprisingly - a lot more to this whole thing - what led up to it - where i was trying to go with it - but lots of other more pressing things have taken over. This was the first part of a lightbulb moment though.
nicely said.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked this "Choosing each time - leaves me free to move around the whole world, out of the box and off the chain, but always as His. "
I'm not 24/7 with my Master, but there are times I feel the invisible chain. There are times it's a barely felt thing in my subconscious. There are times I feel like I'm playing at D/s...and times I know He's only loosened the chain a bit.
Love how deep your words took me...and a nice strong affirmation after Ohio.
nilla
nilla,
DeleteThank you. I respectfully disagree - or maybe i feel like you're selling yourself short. I think maybe your relationship is very similar is some ways to mine - i do move around the world - my husband wants that - i have to take care of my family, my kids, him, my job, be fully engaged in the larger world. A box isn't really an option. I often wish it were, or wish the chain could be more felt - but it's all part of being what he wants. And yes - i think i'm coming to grips with Ohio - or at least moving on to more constructive angst - what can we do as people in the world to try to prevent this kind of thing, how can we be more engaged? I don't think i have answers - but they feel like better questions anyhow.
I get this. But when you choose - you choose to let him decide what you do, right?
ReplyDeleteOr did I read that wrong (to fall back on "I will do whatever - but only because you say so," is a form of closing myself down to him).
I am confused - not at you, of course not, but at the idea of saying yes, but still retaining control.
I have to think about this more. (As usual.) :)
Kitty,
DeleteIt sounds so contradictory when i try to explain it - yet it is something that has finally clicked in my head. It is both - as much as that makes no logical sense. On little things - yes - i choose to let him decide because that is what i have agreed to - they are things that don't have a right or wrong - just his preference - so i fall back on "i'll do whatever." It's kind of a cop out - it's not always (by a long shot) a matter of me sincerely wanting to put his desires ahead of mine - i'm not that virtuous by far.
In bigger things - things that are a struggle for me - things where i feel threatened or uncomfortable (more mentally or emotionally than physically - but there too) - i have to choose to trust him - each time - it is work and effort. It would be easier for me to just abdicate all responsibility - do what he says automatically - but, for me, for us, that isn't me really giving myself - that's me checking out, closing down.
Like i said - i don't think i can make it make sense in words. If i can say no, i must retain the power - i can't argue with that statement. Yet in my head - and in our reality - that's not true.
Hi there! I'm a new visitor, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. "Choosing each time - leaves me free to move around the whole world, out of the box and off the chain, but always as His." I've been reconciling my desire to be in a D/s relationship with my somewhat strong independent streak and I'm realizing that, I probably can't have both--at least not as they are. :) I really like your quote here... because it's that beautiful shift in perspective that I need to pursue. :)
ReplyDeleteAnne,
DeleteWelcome. We struggled - a lot - with the duality of it all - with what looked like the contradictions. But it works - we are still figuring it out. But it is working. thank you for stopping by.