It all isn't over, but i've had some room to breath: the past few days have been, by comparison, much easier. And i am very thankful for that - I need my strength back.
This post is for gratitude. My husband has supported me so that i could support the ones who need me. He has let me fall apart so that i can be the strong one for them. He has taken decisions out of my hands so i can be the one making the hard choices for others. He has adapted our dynamic so that i could manage all the other roles I need to fill. He has pushed me to do the next hard thing, and the next, and the next. He has even gone to fill my place when i was too sick to stand up.
And as i move in and out of my life here, in our home and our family, and in our dynamic, he has let it ebb and flow in a way i can handle and which feeds me. Now he has started to tighten things back up, as i'm getting my strength back, so to speak. I am working to cooperate with it, to go along His way, to shift back; not just that even, i am trying to shift my focus off of me where it has been for so long.
With this time to breath again, has come desire again: a little, mini sub-frenzy all over again. I am overcome with wanting to feel Him. I have intrusive fantasies of pain and use and domination. I would sit and read or watch porn all day long if i could. I poke at him in subtle or not so subtle ways hoping to provoke a more vigorous response. I am aware of a palpable space around myself, a space i can move in that feels too large and too open. My skin, my body, my heart, and a very large portion of my brain want to be bound much more tightly, much more aggressively to him. I'm not sure i could get enough, I'm not sure it wouldn't be dangerous.
Partly it's escapism - a desire to lose myself in things i crave, and to leave the inexorable worry and the impossibility of it all behind. I recognize this. But it is also me, it is who i am, these desires and wants. Some small part of my mind knows i should be grateful for this too - that he keeps me, keeps us, in the real world. That he makes me focus myself, control myself, be responsible for myself. That he won't let it be dangerous - not in that way. That i get what he gives, not what i think i want.