Friday, May 17, 2013

where i am

 there are so many parts of my life - that all move in their own way and their own time and their own cycles

and they swirl around and ebb and flow and i direct them or they carry me - depending

and then some them insist on being in the forefront - on being attended to - a riptide i have to go with

and that is where i am now

and have been for a good bit

may parents' situation isn't getting better, it isn't leveling off, it isn't lending itself to a plan - it is dire, and in constant flux, and unknown and unknowable  - and it insists on being attended to

and when i am sick, or my kids are sick - that insists also

and work would really like my attention also

and it's been forever i think since my husband and i have had any us time together - and precious little time or geography in common at all

and i can handle it - until i can't

and then i doubt everything - but especially i doubt if being open and vulnerable and dependent on him is really good for me - because it feels so risky, dangerous, un-protected and unwise

it is very much harder to keep myself going, to absorb it all, to function and be the source of strength for so many others if i'm open and bare and without any armour

when things happen to prevent him from providing what i need, from taking care of me, then i feel an overwhelming need to protect myself, but that involves shutting him out.

and then it seems obvious that this is all a really bad idea, what was i thinking?

and he asks me to wait, to hold on, to trust him, to stay open to it

and then everything else amps up once again - and it doesn't really matter because "us" again disappears in the swirl and is overtaken by other currents insisting






12 comments:

  1. This to shall pass and become part of the fabric of your life, until then you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. Thank you Sir - that is much appreciated.

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  2. "and then i doubt everything - but especially i doubt if being open and vulnerable and dependent on him is really good for me..."
    It's good to depend on him, to submit to him. But it's also ok to know you can stand on your own 2 feet.
    But don't take my opinion. I'm on cold medicine and the whole D/s, DD, TTWD, is so new to my relationship it practically doesn't exist and I really don't know what I'm talking about :)

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    1. Sarah,
      It is good to depend on him, he has proved that over and over again. And it is what i have agreed to trust, what i have submitted to. And - I think that there is always more to learn, that no one is an expert on anyone else's relationship, and that everyone's opinion has merit, new or not. Thank you for your comment.

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  3. Sorry this has been such a tough cycle. It's very easy to shut them out when we we aren't getting what we need, even if it is not of their own doing but in the end shutting them out hurts you both. Keep plugging away, he is ther even when you can't feel it and at the end of the day that's what keeps you going.

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  4. It's very difficult to be submissive when so much of life demands you to be very tough. Perhaps even lightly holding onto it will be the lifeline that will see you through until things can be given more attention.

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    1. Serenity,
      That is a good way to view it - thank you.

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  5. i'm sorry you're having a hard time. Hope things can ease up, and you two can find your space again.

    sofia

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    1. sofia,
      Thank you - i hope so too- i'm sure we will - and until then - we will just do what we can.

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  6. The subtle balancing act that we ask ourselves to undertake as we move between submission and work, devotion and life, is unsurprisingly challenging ... I hope you find space to reconnect soon. ava xx

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    1. ava grace,
      thank you - eventually it will come, and we will have learned even more.

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