where i am

 there are so many parts of my life - that all move in their own way and their own time and their own cycles

and they swirl around and ebb and flow and i direct them or they carry me - depending

and then some them insist on being in the forefront - on being attended to - a riptide i have to go with

and that is where i am now

and have been for a good bit

may parents' situation isn't getting better, it isn't leveling off, it isn't lending itself to a plan - it is dire, and in constant flux, and unknown and unknowable  - and it insists on being attended to

and when i am sick, or my kids are sick - that insists also

and work would really like my attention also

and it's been forever i think since my husband and i have had any us time together - and precious little time or geography in common at all

and i can handle it - until i can't

and then i doubt everything - but especially i doubt if being open and vulnerable and dependent on him is really good for me - because it feels so risky, dangerous, un-protected and unwise

it is very much harder to keep myself going, to absorb it all, to function and be the source of strength for so many others if i'm open and bare and without any armour

when things happen to prevent him from providing what i need, from taking care of me, then i feel an overwhelming need to protect myself, but that involves shutting him out.

and then it seems obvious that this is all a really bad idea, what was i thinking?

and he asks me to wait, to hold on, to trust him, to stay open to it

and then everything else amps up once again - and it doesn't really matter because "us" again disappears in the swirl and is overtaken by other currents insisting