Tuesday, November 12, 2013

visuals

He's out of town again - awhile this time

When he's gone, he asks for pictures.

I have incredibly mixed, and mixed up feelings about this.  Some of them, very negative.

I'm writing this, and i know he will read this, and i know he knows most of this, maybe all of it, but i also know he uses what i write here to gauge my mental state, get a different kind of glimpse into my brain, and there is the risk he will change his behavior based on what i write.  Or  not - no way to know.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with being honest with him and especially how that isn't manipulation; he doesn't let me top, he does want to know what i think and feel.

I don't want to influence him to change - i want me to change

I don't like the way i look.  And that's all there is in a picture- looks - especially the kind of picture he wants.  I'm middle aged, and a real person - no airbrushing, no surgery, no artistic lighting....I'm not a girl from a magazine, or TV, and I'm definitely not a girl from porn. We'll just leave it at that - you don't need the list of how i diverge from the ideal.

Sometimes i'm happy to send pictures - happy he wants me, happy for the connection from a distance, happy he likes my looks...

Sometimes i'm not happy about it, but i will do what he wants because he wants it, and doing easy things for him isn't much, doing things that are hard because he asks - that is worth something to me.  

And sometimes it puts me in a tailspin.  

There's no way for him to know which way I'll go with it - i don't even know.









24 comments:

  1. Just try to relax. Your husband wants YOU, photos of YOU. Of beautiful YOU. That is great! Who ever looks perfect? I don't, to start with. But I am comfortable with it. I think I have successfully persuaded my wife to think the same way.
    Please relax.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. David,
      That is pretty much what he would say to me too. Sometimes i can manage relaxing and knowing it's what he wants better than others. Thank you.

      Delete
  2. ' I'm middle aged, and a real person - no airbrushing, no surgery, no artistic lighting....I'm not a girl from a magazine, or TV, and I'm definitely not a girl from porn.' - you've just described me, and probably many others too. I don't like having my picture taken either, I turn away from cameras. I would not find it easy.. He wants to keep you in his thoughts and him in yours, that is the most important thing.
    hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. DelFonte,
      You're right of course, that's exactly why he wants the pictures - and maybe that's part of the issue sometimes - i don't wan't 'that' image to be what he has in mind. Apparently he does though.

      Delete
  3. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I hate hate hate pictures of myself. My former D use to insist on them & then get all "proud" of me etc .. which actually caused me to feel even more embarrassed. But it did help ... weird. My last D, never asked for pictures (well he did once, near the end) and I found myself taking little photos here & there, nothing graphic or of my face but suggestive shots of completed tasks.
    Anyway, maybe your Husband is on to something? We are after all our own worst enemys, aren't we?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. geekie kitty,
      We are indeed our own worst enemies. And yea - i've never, ever liked to have my picture taken, in any context. This just ups the ante a lot.

      Delete
  4. I crop like the dickens.
    just mentioning...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jz,
      Is it odd that cropping never occurred to me - and really - i'm not sure there'd be much left if i cropped out the stuff i don't like. This issue waxes and wanes - so it will calm down again soon. Ain't it grand to be female sometimes...?

      Delete
  5. I can so identify with your feelings on this....i also have to remind myself...if it is always easy, always what makes me comfortable it is not submission...and send the darn pic.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abby,
      Thank you. I always send the pictures - i can't even imagine refusing, but sometimes it affects my mental balance poorly. It makes me upset for awhile. But yea - it's absolutely not about doing just what is easy.

      Delete
  6. Lol@ Jz, couldn't help it.

    Pictures are completely outside of my comfort zone too. Pretty sure I'd feel very much the same...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently we are so very not alone.

      Delete
  7. Green-girl
    The tasks that are the hardest for us, in my experience is the ones they roll out as if challenging us to overcome.
    Try to see yourself through his eyes.
    I like to break down what I find hard in little parts....can you start by sending him a photo of your favourite "part" so to speak?
    A pic of your hand with your wedding ring, a picture of your hair, your smile and as you focus on the parts..maybe work up to the whole task?
    This has worked for me, when I've been requested to send photos.
    I hate photos so much I didn't even want wedding pictures (thankfully, I lost that argument), so I so relate to how you are feeling here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleuame,
      I do send the pictures, this is one where refusing or balking aren't really options. And it's funny - i tried hard to really limit pictures at our wedding also - and lost that battle, and I'm glad.

      Delete
  8. Why don't you make it more of game ie something fun. Get something sexy to wear and take a picture of just the new items. Then a picture of the outfit and your favorite toy strategically placed. Almost tell a story with pictures. I think it would be fun to receive each and wonder what is coming next.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mellie,
      That is a really good idea - but my husband is odd in that regard - he is not so interested in sexy clothes - he's more interested in no clothes - lingerie go pretty much completely unnoticed, they just come off. The toy though - that might have some interest. Thanks.

      Delete
  9. Right there with you! Except, I 'always' hate taking pictures and my clothes are on lol

    ReplyDelete
  10. I've been there and I won't say I'm completely to the point of liking taking pictures, but I have come to realize that with distance it seems to make him happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YTLG,
      That is the key - he is far away and wants a connection and i need to work with that. Thanks.

      Delete
  11. You said " you don't need the list of how i diverge from the ideal."
    nilla says...who's version of "ideal" is that, anyway?

    I saw a thing on facebook last week. It was fucking *shocking*. The girl was normal...hips, thighs, pretty face and all. They added make up, a wig or haipieces and she was even more visually attractive.

    And then came the photochopping. I say that rather than the more popular term as it is really "chopping"...they carved away hips, butt, thighs and belly. They l-e-n-g-t-h-e-n-e-d her legs. they took her eyes, pulled them apart a bit and made them bigger. At the end, the girl in the picture was NOTHING like the girl who started. It is like 25 seconds or so, watching the transformation but it is...well it had an impact on me.

    Most of the time I like myself. After a summer of no walking and some belly growing as a result, I'd be lying if I told you I was thrilled with my appearance because I can look "better"...but Master? he likes the me I am all the time. He may chide me to lose what I put on this summer, as I am not at a healthy weight just now, but it won't be nasty.

    Once he said to me "You're of no use to me skinny." "I like you as you are."

    healing there. a lot of healing. It's *me* he likes, and my body is just a toy.

    sending whammies and energies as you take your required pix...

    nilla

    ps apologies for the rambling long reply. I think it's a hot button for me (ya think, right?!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nilla,
      It is a tough issue - a big one for me, and certainly has roots in a lot of sources outside of me too. He has told me forever that he finds me beautiful - i am just sometimes more successful at believing him. The 'body as toy' thing has been very healing, it helps, and maybe that's part of it - i'm much better with touch, play, contact - it's the visual i get caught at. Thank you - and never apologize for your kind words.

      Delete
  12. I'm fine with the way I look, but the reason I won't send pictures is that he'd probably show them off/send them to his buddies, and a couple of them work at my place of employment, so . . . no way. Besides workplace humiliation, they could end up online. Nope. Not happening.

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    Replies
    1. that's not a worry for me - thank goodness.... although - i do send a word text first to warn him thj picture is coming in case he is somewhere where someone could glimpse his phone when the picture comes through.

      Delete