He's out of town again - awhile this time
When he's gone, he asks for pictures.
I have incredibly mixed, and mixed up feelings about this. Some of them, very negative.
I'm writing this, and i know he will read this, and i know he knows most of this, maybe all of it, but i also know he uses what i write here to gauge my mental state, get a different kind of glimpse into my brain, and there is the risk he will change his behavior based on what i write. Or not - no way to know.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with being honest with him and especially how that isn't manipulation; he doesn't let me top, he does want to know what i think and feel.
I don't want to influence him to change - i want me to change
I don't like the way i look. And that's all there is in a picture- looks - especially the kind of picture he wants. I'm middle aged, and a real person - no airbrushing, no surgery, no artistic lighting....I'm not a girl from a magazine, or TV, and I'm definitely not a girl from porn. We'll just leave it at that - you don't need the list of how i diverge from the ideal.
Sometimes i'm happy to send pictures - happy he wants me, happy for the connection from a distance, happy he likes my looks...
Sometimes i'm not happy about it, but i will do what he wants because he wants it, and doing easy things for him isn't much, doing things that are hard because he asks - that is worth something to me.
And sometimes it puts me in a tailspin.
There's no way for him to know which way I'll go with it - i don't even know.