Friday, November 29, 2013

connections

I am at a hotel, nearby the house where I grew up, where my parents still live, actually - where my mom still lives.  My father passed away last week, or this week, time has been enormously distorted here.

We, his immediate family, spent his last 72 hours at his bedside, taking turns overnight, just being with him, talking to him, praying, blessing him, watching him struggle to breath, watching his spirit go, and then his mind, and finally his body.

We welcomed so many people who came to sit and be with him as well, or who came to lend their strength to my mother.  They sit awhile and bring a new, quiet energy, an outside breath of air. We have been swimming is such a private, intense and overwhelming sea of emotions.

They have come even after his passing.  Some to sit and visit.  Some who help with the necessary work, or the tasks we do because my mother is a doer, not a sit and just be person.

Her sister came and has stayed, her sister who has always been her advocate, with no conflicting loyalties, squarely and solidly in my mother's corner. It's a support she needs, someone to assure her needs are not ignored as she is forever, first and foremost a caregiver.

The visits, the calls, the notes and emails and relayed messages - all help buoy us, they add needed energy. This surprises me a little.  As a family of introverts, we are each accustomed to retreating and re-building ourselves.  The connections each of us has made over many years are coming back to us.

Finally our families arrived, mine and my sisters.  We are depleted and our own families renew us, strengthen us, and my mother as well - she soaks up the love from the grandchildren, the family together holiday, the full house.

Alone in the hotel room, my husband blindfolds and binds me.  I am screaming in protest in my head; this is the wrong time, i'm in no good headspace, please no.  But he uses the binds to force me to accept his touch, to allow him to hold me.  He wraps himself around me and holds on until i start to melt. Until I can let go of the control I've been holding onto so tightly.  I'm the oldest, the strong one, the one you want in a crisis, the rational decision maker.  But that's not His me.  He wants to hold His.  And so He does.



It seems odd to me that i feel compelled to write here in such a time as this.  I can't talk right now though - this allows me to measure my words, express myself without completely releasing my grip on the control i need.  And it gives me the quiet escape the introvert i am needs.

24 comments:

  1. I cried. I'm sorry.

    These same kinds of days will always remain among the most intense of my life. It is a strangely beautiful thing isn't it? Those connections that appear in those moments, the way we each sit watch in our own way.

    I wish you and yours the best gg, I really do. Peace is a good thing, and those of us who remain...Well, we make our own kind of peace each day.

    Death is beautiful, and sad, and intense, and heart-wrenching, and moving...It is one of those experiences, I think, that becomes part of who we are, who we were meant to be.

    I haven't had coffee yet, so I apologize if this comment is inadequate, incomplete, poorly thought out, or otherwise crummy. I saw this post first thing, and I just wanted you to know that I know what this feels like, and you truly are in my thoughts.

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    1. lil - it's a beautiful response - I thank you.

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  2. I think you feel compelled to write because this is both connection and stability. When things are confusing and we lose what we were able to take for granted, we reach for what will make us feel safe. For me, that's writing. I'm glad you were able to reach out here.

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    1. Anastasia Vitsky,
      That's a good point, this has become a part of my life. Thank you.

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  3. This is YOUR place, to express your emotions, the perfect (and safest) place to let go of the strength & just be you. To hurt & to cry. We will all shed tears with you and for you. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so difficult and so draining, emotionally and physically. I am so glad that your husband was there for you and gave you exactly what you needed. You and your family lean on each other thru these next few difficult days as you have for the past few. It is never easy, to say goodbye. We are all with you & we will be here for you, to bolster you, and to lend you strength. (((hugs)))

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    1. geekie kittie,
      thank you - the support from all corners has meant so much. I appreciate it.

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  4. Replies
    1. Jz,
      He is - he's not perfect - but quite often he's perfect for me. Thank you.

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  5. I'm so sorry for loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. Serenity,
      thank you - that means a lot.

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  6. many (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad your family could come together and that your husband can find ways to look after you xxx

    (the artist formerly known as mamacrow)

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    1. mc kitten,
      thank you - the people and the caring and the love all around was so good. i will stop by and see your new place as soon as i can breathe again.

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  7. I'm so sorry, gg, for your pain. I am so glad He could help you back into that part of you again. My thoughts are headed your way.
    Saoirse

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    1. Saoirse,
      Thank you. He has been so important to be the last week - more than i could have imagined. I appreciate the thoughts.

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  8. I am so sorry to hear of your dad's passing, my dad died almost 3 years ago. Sounds like He knew just what to do to help You....they always seem to. Know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby,
      I am sorry about your father. Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers, they are appreciated.

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  9. GG: It's pretty special that you could all be there for him at the end of his life. I know what you mean about feeling you have to stay in and under control. It seems the right thing to do and it is necessary as well. So,when the opportunity comes to feel contained in this way with your husband, that's a great gift at a time like this; restorative. It's a good example of how these measures really work for us, most especially in tough times. My best wishes to you at this challenging time.

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    Replies
    1. Vesta,
      Thank you. You are absolutely correct, it is a gift and i am oh so grateful.

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  10. i'm glad you all were there for him, and glad your husband is there for you.

    love,

    sofia

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  11. sending love and peace your way, greengirl. the end-of-life-passage...the afteraffects of it...are often so hard to bear. you wrote in a later post "the only way through is through" and you are right. Your post made me cry...that your husband gave you---and took for himself--what you both needed.

    Sending you both coping energies as you move through the process of grief...it isn't easy, but your family seems to be in it together.

    Hug,

    nilla

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  12. Gg, I am so sorry to hear about your dad, but I'm glad that you were able to be here with him at the end

    Ally <3

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