Tuesday, June 17, 2014

the more things change....

I guess the patterns are the same - but change is change - and as much as i am not someone who hates change - i also need some time to learn the new world order when it happens

I've always had body-image problems - as in - i really don't like my body.  My husband loves my body - i actually do believe that.  That's one area that D/s, M/s, ttwd has really helped - i believe him when he says that.

But last week it all took a nosedive and it was so bad that i didn't want him to look at me or touch me or be physically near me.  This wasn't just a casual wishing i were younger/firmer/prettier - it was a deep, visceral feeling that i couldn't overcome and couldn't hide from him.  As you can imagine - that didn't work for him.

He neither forged ahead without any consideration of my distress, nor did he back away or coddle me - any of which i think would have destroyed me at the time - He listened.  He demanded service - but he tolerated my detachment from him during.  He caned me as hard as he has in a very long time.  And he made it clear that when he gets back into town i need to be back on track in a number of areas.

I've been stressed, haven't been sleeping well, not eating or exercising as well....All of which are factors I'm sure.  I'm also a woman of a certain age - though he has forbidden me to use the M word - he's going the ostrich route with this one.  I'm nevertheless occasionally overcome with moods and funks that don't make any rational sense.

So this week i'm working very hard at eating better, moving more, trying to sleep (still can't seem to force that one), and working to figure out how to manage the changes, or adapt to the new world order.

I get to go away soon - for two whole weeks - part of which He will be able to join me and we will have an actual vacation together - somewhere cooler, with lots of activity and movement and scenery and Us time. All good reasons to get back on track - that - plus the fact that he told me to.


14 comments:

  1. "...figure out how to manage the changes, or adapt to the new world order." Ok, this makes me laugh and cringe at the same time. For my own set of hormonal reasons, I have busting my but trying to 'adapt to the new world order' (the way you said this really just makes me laugh!!). It is quite a struggle sometimes. I would also agree that this dynamic has made me feel beautiful in ways I never would have! Good luck getting back on track!! XOXO Pearl

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    1. I suppose i'm being just a touch overdramatic about it all... I am, overall, much better in this area than i ever was - i just had a tough week i guess. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  2. Hmm..I could have written most of this. It is wonderful that we have someone who accepts all of us, and for the most part has thought us to do the same. I have been through the 'new world order'...getting to the other side is not easy....but once you are there it is much better. That vacation vacation sounds like perfect timing!
    hugs abby

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    1. It is wonderful - and that's part of why i'm upset - he really doesn't deserve the way i'm acting - that's the new/change part - it didn't feel like me. It's good to know that things are better on the other side. I am very much looking forward to this vacation. My father's illness kept us from doing much last summer - so it's been awhile since i've had a vacation - for my husband too.

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  3. I feel this too- although I am very active, eat extremely healthy and run a gazillion miles a week - entering that "new world order" means even that is not enough. For me gaining even 3 lbs is distressing because I am so damn short. So now I am at Day 7 of Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred. (You Tube for free). It is kicking my butt but I feel great. Just a thought- sometimes it takes something new to jump start us :)

    Vacation sounds perfect too!

    ~faithful

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    1. Yup - i'm also very short - and i should run more - and i used to - that has been very difficult to get back into - part of my upset actually - my body just isn't responding the same way. And that's a good idea - something totally new - thank you.

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  4. Are you going to be surprised to hear that I've always loathed my body? (I was going to say, "too" but I don't want to put such a strong word in your mouth...)

    Truthfully, SP is the only guy I've ever been with who's been able to make me actually see how he appreciates it. (Which is funny, since he's also the only one who's ever informed me that my body really isn't the type he goes for -- he likes small boobs.) ("And you're here, WHY, again?")

    It's lovely to be able to truly believe that they feel that way... and harder than heck to get your own mind to see what they see. Personally, I've given up -- but I have the luxury of being able to do that.
    I'll send my unused positive thoughts your way, how's that? ;-D

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  5. Greengirl,

    *Try* not to beat yourself up too much over learning the new world order and getting back on track and adjusting to all these changes....all of that does take its own time.
    It's always wonderful, when they see us in a better light than we see ourselves in.
    Hope you have the grandest time on your vacation! :)

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    1. It does take time - and i will learn and adjust - just when i was feeling like i was starting to figure it out - it changed - which is all very dramatic - i just need to get over myself. Thank you - i think we will.

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  6. The most beautiful part of this post is that you believe your husband thinks you are beautiful and sexy - because at the end of the day being cherished and half the battle is already won ... a small hop, skip and a jump and you can see what he sees :) ava x

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    1. It has been a long road - but ttwd has been very good for us in that i do believe him and feel cherished. It helps - enormously. Thank you.

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  7. That word that may not be spoken? Should be. It needs to be out there and discussed and dealt with. It's a moody-assed time. Sometimes horny as shit, sometimes sexually dead. Moody, sad, ebullient, tired (o, so fucking tired)...it's all a natural and normal part of it. I'm still prone to moody/depressive issues. I take St. Johnswort to help when the mood is very grim, but mostly just keep plugging onward. It is NOT something you can control (and you even *know* when you're being unreasonable but can't stop it...) Research, talk to your Dr/OBGYN and (imho) try to not take hormone suppliments (there is a lot of bad side effects but you do what you must--just saying...be careful!)

    And ...you know...it's not a bad place to be "because he said so"...after all, that's why we DO this stuff, right? :D
    (and yeah. Sometimes that just *sucks*....and is hot. Dammit!)

    hugs...

    nilla

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    1. nilla,
      We do need to discuss it - for real. I'm hoping that this event occurs slowly enough to allow him time to catch up, he always has so far - though pregnancy was a bit fast for both of us. I am due to see my midwife soon - so i can discuss anything i ought to be doing/knowing. I have been lucky to this point in my life and have been able to avoid taking any regular drugs - so i definitely appreciate your advice on herbals. And yea - 'he said so' is in fact good in so many ways.
      thanks

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