static

I've been away a good bit - i had a long trip - part work, part fun - and that was very, very good.  I got caught up in a book - well - actually - a series.  Which is a dangerous thing for me.  I've cut myself off for a bit so i can re-join the world.  When i have some free time - or find some self-discipline - i'll go back and finish the series.

But - also - I usually live very much inside my head, constantly thinking, over-thinking, analyzing, jumping around 20 places at once mentally.....  Lately i find myself just doing and not second and third guessing and trying to figure it all out.  It's a disconcerting feeling for me.  Typically i would be worried about why i'm not worrying more, but i'm not.

I feel like we are with this D/s or M/s thing where we were after 5 or 6 years of marriage - which makes sense since it's been about 5 yrs of ttwd.  It is who we are - it is't going away.  It isn't all weak-at-the-knees excitement and honeymoon and it isn't the drastic highs and lows.  It is sometimes mundane, and sometimes immensely secure and comforting to fall back on.  I have stopped being afraid it is going to go away - like i think i eventually learned to accept very deeply that our marriage would survive - which allowed us both to be more honest and more vulnerable and  to take risks and deepen our bond, allowed us to consider intentionally changing it to what it is now.

I know that this mental detachment and odd plateau won't last - things will get harder, or easier, or higher, or lower, or more intense, or all of the above.  It needs attention and work - of the fun and probably also of the just plain work - kinds.  It is unlike our marriage (or how it had been) in that - i need to be pushed and challenged and also restrained and contained - and i think he needs to push and prod and stretch and exert himself - static isn't sustainable - ultimately it has to be dynamic.  It should be interesting when that hits.