Wednesday, July 16, 2014

static

I've been away a good bit - i had a long trip - part work, part fun - and that was very, very good.  I got caught up in a book - well - actually - a series.  Which is a dangerous thing for me.  I've cut myself off for a bit so i can re-join the world.  When i have some free time - or find some self-discipline - i'll go back and finish the series.

But - also - I usually live very much inside my head, constantly thinking, over-thinking, analyzing, jumping around 20 places at once mentally.....  Lately i find myself just doing and not second and third guessing and trying to figure it all out.  It's a disconcerting feeling for me.  Typically i would be worried about why i'm not worrying more, but i'm not.

I feel like we are with this D/s or M/s thing where we were after 5 or 6 years of marriage - which makes sense since it's been about 5 yrs of ttwd.  It is who we are - it is't going away.  It isn't all weak-at-the-knees excitement and honeymoon and it isn't the drastic highs and lows.  It is sometimes mundane, and sometimes immensely secure and comforting to fall back on.  I have stopped being afraid it is going to go away - like i think i eventually learned to accept very deeply that our marriage would survive - which allowed us both to be more honest and more vulnerable and  to take risks and deepen our bond, allowed us to consider intentionally changing it to what it is now.

I know that this mental detachment and odd plateau won't last - things will get harder, or easier, or higher, or lower, or more intense, or all of the above.  It needs attention and work - of the fun and probably also of the just plain work - kinds.  It is unlike our marriage (or how it had been) in that - i need to be pushed and challenged and also restrained and contained - and i think he needs to push and prod and stretch and exert himself - static isn't sustainable - ultimately it has to be dynamic.  It should be interesting when that hits.







8 comments:

  1. Welcome back....books are often my downfall also..so much more interesting than housework, etc.
    I get....where you are at. Master has been hinting...with that 'look'....that it is stepping in up time. I feel i am ready...but ready or not, it could get very interesting.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby - thanks. I wish I could manage to balance things better - read a little - live a little - but i never have been able to. I feel like all of life just keeps going faster and faster - i'm not sure how or when he could step things up - but i do know that things never stay the same forever.

      Delete
  2. It's good to see you posting.

    I commend you for being able to voluntarily step away from a series! I'm known for showing a considerable lack of self control in such areas...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks lil - i'm not sure it's commendable - more just plain desperate. I need a year off to do all the stuff i never have time to do.

      Delete
  3. Greengirl, it's good to see you!

    A plateau that brought you to thoughts and feelings of stability and comfort and trust, is not a bad place to be and despite when things get more, you know it's still there...that's kind of awesome :)

    And how...how could you voluntarily take a break from a series?! (Can we ask what series it is?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. bleuame - thank you - I agree - this is a much better place to be than a lot of other options - and really the only thing we have time or room for at the moment - life just does that sometimes. The series is Outlander - I know most people read it a long time ago - somehow i missed it earlier in life.

      Delete
  4. I agree...things don't ever stay the same. And I've been thinking that with M and I as well. We're kind of in the "old couple" stage just now...but every now and again I'll send Him a saucy, sexy text, or He'll say something when we're talking that is PURE Dom...and I get that fluttery feeling...it's good. It takes work, to remember not to "settle"...and it will help to eventually get some alone behind the doors time, to bring us back to that rush and thrill of being together. All in all, it is a good place to be.

    nilla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nilla,
      Oh, I do hope you two have that time soon. Sometimes, sometimes it all looks so easy online.... But reality tends to be more complex. Thanks

      Delete