Damn good question.....

Jz posed this question here :    Where does your submission live?

She used body metaphors: is it in your heart, head, a feeling in your gut, worn on your sleeve..... I pondered it a good bit in the back of my mind throughout the day.  I concluded that I don't have the imagination to work with her metaphor - I suppose i would have to say it lives in my head - but that's very literal and concrete and not at all what she meant.

This line though stopped me in my tracks:   My submission is a thing that centers on him, not me.

That - turned as a question - seems very important to me.

As she says, " I don't get itchy for things I want him to do to and for me. Instead, my satisfaction comes from providing whatever he wants and needs."

I know that Jz didn't write that line to be an indictment of anyone - this is her and her life and how she is - it's a beautiful thing about her in fact.  It's just one of those coincidences that it happens to be a thing for me.

I couldn't even pretend to own this attitude.  Besides the 5 years worth of blog here documenting my itchiness for what i want him to do, and my frequent lack of satisfaction, I know in my heart that my submission centers in me, maybe on me, sadly.  It is a thing, a big thing, that i would like very much to figure out how to start to change.

On some levels - I do believe he wants this - that he wants my submission.  But at the deepest levels, i think i also believe he could be happy without it as well. And that makes me insecure.  And i can see that maybe it doesn't matter - that he does like and desire my submission, why should possible alternate universes matter.  I need to believe that and learn to live it.

This blog also documents a lot of up and down and round and round - each time around learning more and more.  I've been more and less secure in it all at times.  I have a feeling that a lot of things will fall into place if i can believe it and live it, if i can truly shift the locus from me to Him.