Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Damn good question.....

Jz posed this question here :    Where does your submission live?


She used body metaphors: is it in your heart, head, a feeling in your gut, worn on your sleeve..... I pondered it a good bit in the back of my mind throughout the day.  I concluded that I don't have the imagination to work with her metaphor - I suppose i would have to say it lives in my head - but that's very literal and concrete and not at all what she meant.

This line though stopped me in my tracks:   My submission is a thing that centers on him, not me.

That - turned as a question - seems very important to me.

As she says, " I don't get itchy for things I want him to do to and for me. Instead, my satisfaction comes from providing whatever he wants and needs."

I know that Jz didn't write that line to be an indictment of anyone - this is her and her life and how she is - it's a beautiful thing about her in fact.  It's just one of those coincidences that it happens to be a thing for me.

I couldn't even pretend to own this attitude.  Besides the 5 years worth of blog here documenting my itchiness for what i want him to do, and my frequent lack of satisfaction, I know in my heart that my submission centers in me, maybe on me, sadly.  It is a thing, a big thing, that i would like very much to figure out how to start to change.

On some levels - I do believe he wants this - that he wants my submission.  But at the deepest levels, i think i also believe he could be happy without it as well. And that makes me insecure.  And i can see that maybe it doesn't matter - that he does like and desire my submission, why should possible alternate universes matter.  I need to believe that and learn to live it.

This blog also documents a lot of up and down and round and round - each time around learning more and more.  I've been more and less secure in it all at times.  I have a feeling that a lot of things will fall into place if i can believe it and live it, if i can truly shift the locus from me to Him.



8 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing...you (and Jz) have given me lots to think about. My first gut reaction is that my submission is too much about me...although He does get lots out of it also...Once i get some thinking time in, this may be fodder for a future post...
    hugs abby

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    1. abby - it struck me that way as well. Thank you.

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  2. It truly wasn't meant as an indictment -- we're all simply different.

    The motivation was more that being dom-less has provided me with a different, slightly more removed view of my submission... and that's been a very interesting (if occasionally disheartening) thing to examine. :-)

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    1. i know it wasn't - i meant what i wrote - i love the fact that you do see and feel this thing differently - in a way i admire.

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  3. I feel that my submission lives in my heart. When my heart softens and opens up, it is easy to submit. When the heart opens, the mind and body follow. It's an actual physical feeling. But I am sure it is different for everyone....

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    1. That's a beautiful image of it i think.

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  4. "This line though stopped me in my tracks: My submission is a thing that centers on him, not me."

    That is beautiful answer ... greengirl !

    I wished I could say the same ...

    Opium ~

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    1. Opium,
      Jz does have a wonderful take on this thing. It gives me a lot to consider. Thank you.

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