things i'm not allowed to get pissed about, but still do

Well - one thing for today......

You know - those things that used to be acceptable ways for men to treat women, but then people got enlightened and they were no longer acceptable**

But since i've voluntarily, essentially moved backwards several hundred years - not really - but there is no longer a "society says" that this or that is or isn't actually acceptable in behavior or interactions...  It's fuzzier - it's all up to Him, and while He is not interested in anything that makes me less than - there is the fuzziness of things done to reinforce our respective positions - which ironically - don't make me feel less than, they make me feel secure, but..... anyhow, told you it was fuzzy

Fuzziness aside - there are still a few things for which my impulse is to shake him and point out how unenlightened and old-fashioned and inappropriate he's being.   Things that frustrate me instead of making me feel secure - even though i tell myself it's his prerogative, and that helps a bit - still - not entirely.

Today's frustration is brought to you by that ancient curse - my period.

I've been gone, he's been gone, the kids have been way too present way too much, etc., etc., We haven't had time together in too long.  He comes back today, and of course my period also showed up - early - of course.

So there's the disappointment and frustration of knowing it will be that much longer.

But also - there's the underlying feeling i get from him about it all:  he won't have anything to do with me during.  He has always been this way - he's just simply not interested in going there.  He may demand i service him - but even that is less.  It isn't quite shunning - but decidedly less intimacy.  It just flirts with the edges of feeling like he blames me or is upset with me for it happening.  I know he doesn't, but....

There's the little bit of mind fuck for me in it - and not necessarily in the good way - it's his right, his control. He doesn't do humiliation much and not outside a context in which it's pretty clear what's what.  So this isn't a control through humiliation thing.  But i'm not so sure it isn't a 'because I can and this works for me" thing - which i should find hot, or at least reassuring, but most often i can't.



** I'm NOT talking about past and present day, all too real, inequalities and human rights abuses - just to be clear.