Wednesday, September 10, 2014

communication

Not a title likely to draw readers in droves - booorrrring, I know.  Ultimately, i write here for him though, and the state of us depends more on the hard and un-exciting stuff than the fun stuff.  

This first part is fairly woowoo - which is fairly unlike me - but so it goes.  

We don't have formalized speech or other overt signs of our respective positions, but there is something between us, a current maybe or a back channel, that we both feel and communicate through. Probably most people who spend long enough together have the same kind of thing - i don't know.  It's like eye contact: you can stare at someone's eyes forever, they may appear to be looking directly at you even, but you know without a doubt whether they have made eye contact with you or not.

I know he's there at the other side of that current, he know's when i am, and we each know the other knows.  It's a different thing than any of our other interactions.   When we get out of sync, it doesn't flow well, the communication through this channel is ineffective.  Or maybe, when it doesn't flow well, we get out of sync.  I know that sometimes I ignore that channel and pretend i can't hear what's coming through, or i doubt it and pout and deny it.  Like avoiding or refusing to make eye contact when you can feel the other persons eyes burning a hole in your skull.


On the other, less 'out there,' but more mundane and more difficult side of things, is the explicit, plain old, tell the person how you feel kind of communication.  It takes words.  And active effort to listen without defending yourself in your head at the same time.  And it takes (me) a lot of effort to tell him how i really feel sometimes.  Sometimes i'm ashamed of my feelings, sometimes i'm angry or critical of him, sometimes it's a place we've been before and i just don't necessarily think more words are likely to change anything.

It is tempting, easy, to spin things as they come out of my mouth, to put myself in a better light, to avoid admitting i was wrong, or to avoid needing to tell him that i think he was wrong, or that i'm disappointed in something he did or didn't do, or that my needs aren't being met.   The first two are only natural: no one likes to 'fess up to making mistakes, or being in the wrong.  And i still am not so comfortable with some of my desires that i share them easily.  But that's part of the bargain - I need to be open about those things.

The second part is harder.  The 's' isn't supposed to critique or be angry, or put her feelings in a position of importance.  Except that isn't sustainable long term - not for me.  And he has demanded this side of my being open as well.  Sometimes he is in the wrong - sometimes in things that matter enough that something has to be said.  And there are areas in which we aren't in sync - we aren't perfectly matched in all our interests, desires, styles, kinks, whatever you want to call it, and it doesn't feel right at all for me to talk to him about those things.  It feels like complaining, or asking him to change, or criticizing.  But we didn't get this far by my burying my feelings or hoping he would read my mind.




14 comments:

  1. Loved this, often times trust is considered an important part, if not the most important part of ttwd, or any relationship come to that, but i think even more so is communication.

    I do confess though, i am guilty, especially if its something thats concerning me, of burying my thoughts, he doesnt like that, and i appreciate why, im better than i was though, and im ok with expressing my feelings, its just how i express them that sometimes is the issue lol

    We have, from the beginning set aside an evening (usually sundays) where it is talk time, its an opportunity to sit down and talk about us, of course we do other times, but having a time set aside is useful, i find it helpful because it gives me time to get things off my chest about perhaps something that has gone on in the week.

    sorry i have rambled on, havent i lol

    But your last sentence really sums it up.

    x

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    1. Ramble on - it's worth reading. This is the non-sexy part of the whole package - but nothing else works if this doesn't. I couldn't communicate with him this way - i could never be open if i didn't trust him, and probably vice versa. I like the set aside time - we try to take walks in the evenings to talk - but it doesn't work out as often as would be nice.

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  2. Gosh, aren't we all guilty of this? But the part about not getting this far by mind reading is so true, and that's probably the biggest lesson to learn (not to mention, the hardest)).

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. That one did come and bite me in the butt an awful lot. I think i know it now - but still have trouble opening up at times. thanks.

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  3. Yes the second part is indeed the hardest. Of course sometimes its easier to push those negative feelings aside than others but often it seems if they do get pushed aside it's only temporary.

    The shame of these feelings is often the worst part. Being able to vocalize those feelings (after the intensity of the anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. wears off a bit) calmly helps immensely. It's just getting to that calm point and then having to rehash it....well it's easier to avoid. It is something that we have to continually work on but it seems once we talk about it that is when that peaceful deep mindset is at it strongest.

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    1. Good to see you. that's exactly it - whether i'm right or wrong, and whether he makes any changes or not - i need to express how i feel or it builds resentment. And you're right - even when he doesn't make any changes or seem to act on what i've said - sometimes even especially then - it does lead to a much more peaceful mindset.

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  4. Greengirl,

    For me, emotions are everything. So, when it comes to communicating them, I don't find it hard. I find it challenging not to.
    However, for me it's always the lines of giving voice to how I feel, in a respectful manner, without making it sound as if I am questioning him.
    He demands transparency, and that means coming out with it all. I do struggle with the importance of my feelings--because they really are secondary, they matter but they really don't, other than as sources of information to him.

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    1. I am the opposite - I live in my head and emotions are confusing and overwhelming to me. I don't manage them well. I would say that he cares very much how i feel - as a source of information yes - but also because he only likes to see me in distress if he has intentionally put me there. Most of my feelings don't need or want any action by him - even if in the heat of the moment i feel like they do, but yes - whether to act or not based on my feelings is totally up to him. And transparency is damn difficult.

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  5. That is the hardest part. I feel I owe him my mind, I mean to say, that if something is in my mind that could help him, I owe him to say it in a respectful and not blaming way. Otherwise, it is going to fester there and create soreness, I think.

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    1. Fester is it exactly. I think that finding the not blaming way is hard. I don't want to point out things that feel like criticisms, so it is often much easier to swallow something than to try to express it. We are two people, and we both make mistakes and we both do things that unintentionally hurt the other - M/s or not - we can be more deeply connected if we take on the hard stuff too, not just keep everything at a surface level.

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  6. I love this post...it rings so true.....but it is late, and i am exhausted....thanks for writing... i need to come back when things calm down so i can read it again.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby. I hope things calm down for you - I know how exhausting it is.

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  7. Great post. This is a hard one in my relationship as well. My husband is trying to become more dominant so he has specifically asked for feedback. It is hard to be critical and submissive at the same time. But I think if it is done from the right mindset it can be a very good thing for both.

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    1. Thank you - not an exciting topic - but the rest doesn't happen otherwise. i struggled/still struggle so much with giving feedback that isn't all positive - but no where in life is false praise useful.

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