Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The flip side

Literally and more figuratively...

When he wants to play with pain, it usually involves my backside, and usually involves impact - which - well - i happen to be all on board with.  It often progresses from there and the front side eventually gets its attention too, but there is something very primal about being face down - whether tied or just ordered there.  I can't see him and i know he can't see my face, i'm disconnected from him a bit, there's the edge of objectification vs. a face to face struggle.  I have to listen more, but my mind can float more easily being not tethered to him so directly.

This time though he tied me on my back and blindfolded me - the blindfold was important i think.  I had no idea what was coming - the same kind of impact he usually likes - my ass, my back, even my thighs can take that - but i'm not so sure at all about my frontside parts surviving that.  I suppose that's why the instinct is to curl up and protect the soft underbelly and let the back take whatever's coming.  This felt much more vulnerable   I also couldn't see his face to gauge what he might have in mind.  I was facing him, i wanted to connect with him, i should be connected to him in that way in this position.  It kept me following him with my mind, attending to him rather than floating off - well, that and the fear.

Instead of impact though, he focused on other sensations - lots of clothespins, clamps, and the prickly wheel thing that mixes tickling with pain and makes my skin crawl  - evil.  Slow and methodical, every part held open and unprotected.



A few days later a lot of pieces of things that had been floating around in my head, things just out of my awareness i think, came together.  I came to bed wanting him very much, and without the self-consciousness that usually tinges my bedtime routine.  Actually - I didn't just want him.  I very much wanted to give myself to him, to open to him, to be his.  It occurred to me, as i climbed into bed, then tried to crawl inside his skin, as I melted completely into him and felt him reach out and envelope me, felt him accept my surrender to him, that being his is all the pieces of our lives.

It's not just the things that seem M/s, the things i often think i am missing or need more of, that bind us this way, though they are absolutely part of it all: service, obedience, expectations, use...  We didn't have this kind of intimacy or depth, i never knew this kind of wanting existed, until we figured out what it really means for him to own me, for me to surrender to him.

But, the flip side, part of the thoughts just out of reach in my head, is that we have this because of the day to day also.  We work towards common goals, we struggle together, we are patient with each other, we lose patience with each other, we hurt with and for each other, we celebrate each other, we joke and tease each other, we dream about our future together.

The fantasy of the detached, somewhat cold and harsh, demanding and stern Master, and the slave with the edge of nervousness and eagerness to please, the dynamic that is pure Dominance on one side and pure submission on the other - that fantasy works really, really well as a fantasy.  But it would never engender the complete desire to surrender all that i am to him that we have now.  

16 comments:

  1. WOW..powerful...and i absolutely agree..with all of it. I have difficulty when He decides to start with me wide open on my back. I am much more sensitive, and concentrate on what i am seeing, rather than what i am feeling and letting go. Think a blindfold might be the answer......Lovely post.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby. They are good at setting it all up to get the effect they want it would seem.

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  2. utterly gorgeous post.

    'we have this because of the day to day also.'
    absolutely, yes.

    'The fantasy of the detached, somewhat cold and harsh, demanding and stern Master, and the slave with the edge of nervousness and eagerness to please, the dynamic that is pure Dominance on one side and pure submission on the other - that fantasy works really, really well as a fantasy. But it would never engender the complete desire to surrender all that i am to him that we have now. '

    OMG this, every single word,so much this!

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    1. I get greedy and find myself wanting the fantasy sometimes - whether as escapism or just laziness, depends on the day. But i'm starting to learn.... thanks.

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  3. Yes! I'm sure I don't emphasis the lovey tenderness day to day as much as I could in my writing, but it is there, no mistake. Also the laughing and fun, but I think I do write about those parts. Rarely about the struggles with patience with each other, though that happens too.

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    1. I find myself being careful not to air the struggles between us here - i guess i don't think it would be constructive - i can talk about my internal ones (all day long apparently) or the things we both face together (sometimes). I have always been very careful not to diss him to other people - in any setting- but i also don't really believe that two people can live closely together and never be frustrated with each other. And i love the laughing and fun you portray - the joy shines through.

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  4. what an incredibly beautiful post. i'm glad to have found your blog today. i especially love the "few days later" paragraph. i know exactly what that feels like....a few minutes or days later when you just want, no NEED, to melt into Him.

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    1. Thank you tami, and welcome. That's one of the best feelings!

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  5. Terrific post, as all the comments have agreed.

    greenie (hope you don't mind the nic-name), there is so much in this post that hits at the heart of what D/s life is like in the real world we live in. Without the day to day, we would not have the safety and trust in our owners that we do. The love and respect is paramount when you choose to allow yourself to be open (tied or otherwise) and given to another.

    Great post!!
    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Pearl - irl and here- i'll answer to just about anything - don't mind at all. i think you're right - that's where the trust and respect, and joy, come from. Thanks.

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  6. loved this gg

    I do wander sometimes if i do portray my Master as being always, harsh, demanding and strict....and he is all of these, but he is so much more as well, perhaps i should let some of his other sides out lol

    But, yes the reality is there does need to be balance, and although the M/s is always present, there are perhaps more vanilla moments then there are D/d in reality.

    x

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    1. tori,
      Thank you. I really assume that people who have been together a long time, who write openly about ups and downs and life, have a deep relationship that includes a lot of everyday. I guess i don't believe two people can live exclusively the D/s parts, all the time, every moment. There is so much more to it all. I often feel like i write a marriage blog and not a ttwd blog - i perhaps write too much about the everyday and am more reluctant to talk about the M/s that is also always there.

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  7. It's a bit of mixed bag, blogging....at least mouse has found it. Yes, there are times Omega makes mistakes or just pisses mouse off and it comes out in the blog. Sometimes the idea of something totally has backfired on him and that's come out in the blog too.

    But the love, the tenderness, the play, the good times and not-so-good times that mouse feels completes the picture.

    Surrendering can be easy...it can also feel impossible.

    Your post was lovely!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Thank you mouse. Blogging is absolutely mixed bag. And such a small, tiny glimpse into peoples whole lives i think. Surrendering is sometimes so hard - and it seems to be the small things that get me stuck. But it feels so very right when i succeed.

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  8. A well written musing. I wanted to comment on the front side bit. The other day, I was receiving a flogger and I kept spreading wider and wider and wishing he would hit the lips and my breasts. Then I read this, which matched the fantasy. H is also a fan of the back side, but I like the front side too.

    Anyway, thanks for taking the time to put up a quality post.

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    1. Thank you Kitty. Isn't it amazing when it's just so good and our bodies reach for more without us even thinking about it?

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