Tuesday, October 28, 2014

5 years

A little over 5 years ago I stumbled onto (into?) something totally new.  The feelings and the way my mind and my body responded completely rocked me.  I know that sounds stupid: everyone these days has heard of BDSM, it's everywhere.  Five years ago I hadn't.  I did, though, have some pretty deep seated blocks when it came to sex and power and control.  I was very much closed off and unto myself.

I wanted this thing I had discovered.  No - I responded to this, and what I wanted a great deal was to respond - to him.  

He's not a prude, nor did I really think he would dismiss me or consider me sick or immoral.  But I was terrified that such a huge change would drive him away, that it wouldn't work for us and that the regrets and the failure would be too much to overcome.  

But we moved forward.  Over the past 5 years as we moved from bedroom to 24/7, I've wondered and reflected and worried and feared and thought myself in circles over things.  I know he has considered things too; though, what he shares with me generally gets summed up as, "Any hole, any time."  

The wanting isn't as all consuming as it was early on, but it's still often there and often very strong.  I want to respond to him.  The difference is that now I know I do, and I know it's not just my body - my mind and my being look to him.  It's a palpable feeling this desire to submit to him.  And when he grabs that desire and plays with it, uses it, turns it around and stretches it to his desire - it's a glorious feeling.  

I don't know where the next 5 or 10 or 30 years will take us.  I worry that this thing that we've found that seems to suit us both so well will fade away.  Can it really last with outside pressures and life changes and our bodies aren't getting any younger and - well - everything?

I haven't reached perfect submission yet.  I still find myself testing and poking and balking at surprising times.  I wish the reins were tighter here, maybe looser there, or that he would just pull out the (metaphorical) whip and really take control.

One of the few overarching, more abstract rules he has for me is that I try to be optimistic, to see the possibility and not the negative in things.  It's a rule because it's not easy for me sometimes.  The chance I took (and that he took also) 5 years ago has been so worthwhile.  I hope we continue to take the right kinds of chances.  



8 comments:

  1. First...Congrats on 5 wonderful years. Master and i have been together over 10....8 of them as M/s...so you will probably be saying the same thing in a few years. I now the feeling when you have something so good...so fittiing for the two of you...the fear that it might go away. I am learning to enjoy the day...the moment....somethings we have no control over. I bet your continued journeys takes the two of you to places you never expected.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby. I so hope you are right about the future. But also - i do need to learn to focus on the now and not the what-if's.

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  2. A very nice, round number, five...
    Go for lots more of the same!
    :-D

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  3. Greengirl,

    Happy five years!
    It's amazing how much life it's possible to live through a M/s journey.

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    1. It is decidedly more work, and the low points are very hard, but the overall, and the moments when it all comes together are incredible. Thank you.

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  4. I have every Faith in the 5 10 and 30 years. The body will age with out a doubt so there will be challenges there however typed is a state of mind more than a physical thing

    Sir J

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    1. Thank you Sir J. You are right of course.

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