Saturday, March 21, 2015

For Bleuame

Bleuame asked.....I feel like I have asked you this before..or it has been asked before but here it goes: "Is there anything you wish he would change/modify about your behaviour and hasn't/doesn't?"

I think i may have answered this previously - but i also think it's worthwhile to look at things over time.  I'll go looking for my previous response after i write this and see if i've changed at all.  

Initially - way back when - and for awhile - i thought it would be terribly sexy to have him involved in what i wear, my appearance, my demeanor, etc.  But he doesn't.  He has no interest in exerting control in that area most of the time.   I also wish - out of pure laziness - that he would dictate my diet and exercise and all that kind of stuff - but for a lot of reasons - that just doesn't work. Neither of us cares much to make day to day chores or things that need to be done part of ttwd - maybe just because we've juggled day to day for so long - it just happens. 

What he does care about is how we interact.  He hasn't laid out rules or codes or protocols except for bedtime - when we are alone.  The boys are always around and they see EVERYTHING.  I got a lecture from one the other day because he heard me ask my husband if he liked the dress i had chosen to wear out that evening; "if you like it it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks, you should wear it, why ask dad.....?"  Real protocols or anything unusual in our interactions would be noticed and not just commented on, i think it could be confusing to them.  

What they do see is that we support each other, we treat each other, and them, with respect, we are polite and try to do nice things for each other, we ask instead of telling each other what to do, etc, etc.  That goes both ways, for both of us.  There have been subtle changes over the past 6 years, a shift in the power that the two of us know, but others don't.  

It is evolving though, our interactions.  We try to be all of that stuff i just said, but we aren't always.  For my part, i can get hurried, short, impatient, cranky, bossy, and other even less pleasant adjectives.  Sometimes he lets it flow, sometimes he calls me on it.  I always feel badly about it, even more so though when he just lets it flow.  In fact, when i feel like i've gotten away with really treating him inappropriately, it makes me doubt the whole thing and my commitment, and whether i'm cut out for this, whether he really cares, etc.  

So - in answer to the question - I often wish he would just lay out the expectations for our interactions, spell out the boundaries and then enforce them. In my fantasy mind, that would solve the problem, I would know exactly how to act, how to sound, how to be, and that would keep me from being stressed, impatient, overwhelmed, all those other things.  My rational mind knows that's not how it works - i'm absolutely still going to be stressed, overwhelmed, short....  

I quite honestly don't know how it would work, his taking more control of what is acceptable for me and my behavior, maybe more specifically the way i talk to him.   The other day i lost it - the stress of what is going on in our home recently is very different than anything previously - and i reacted to some things very differently than i ever have before - badly differently.

He grabbed my throat and pushed me into a quiet corner and made himself clear, fearfully so. He didn't listen to my excuses/reasons, or calm down, or back off or try to see my side.  And maybe that is the part i wish he would take more control but am also very unsure i could handle.  I had a very, very difficult time dealing with his response in the moment - i wanted very much to be heard, not to be chastised.  He did eventually talk with me about why i reacted so strangely.  But i also later, and now - feel better about that interaction than many others.   I feel somehow more secure with him, more grounded and resolved, less afraid of my emotions and feelings.  I'm not sure this makes any sense at all.  I'm not sure it does to me, or to him.  But i do think there is something to it.


  1. My grasp on my thoughts is a bit tenuous but I'm gonna take a stab at this anyhow…

    I've said I love not having to police myself with him -- but he doesn't make me feel that way because he lets my extremes roll off his back. Rather, he's strong enough to call me on them. It's like he lets me be me, but still holds me to my own standards.

    I'm not sure that's quite clear but I'm wondering if something similar can account for why that interaction still left you feeling more settled in the end, even if more upset at the moment…

    But I could be just talking through my hat.
    You decide. :-)

    Your Friend,
    Fuzzy Brain

    1. I do think that's a big part of it. He knows where the extremes come from and why and when they mean something important and all that. As with a lot of things, the fantasy is fairly simplistic - reality is a bit more complex.

      On a whole simpler level - i've been holding an awful lot of stuff in recently, i have to and that just got to extend to hiding things from him also, and it all finally blew. the fact that he could handle it, that is comforting.

  2. GG,

    Apologies for taking so long to come by and comment. You answered this so beautifully and I see so much of 'us' in this post!!
    I love how you explain--its the overall picture, the power exchange can be lived and not details, or maybe he has the choosing of those details.

  3. Bleuame,
    I am moving about half speed to the world these days - i get it. Thank you for the question and for your response. He absolutely makes it fit for us, he uses the tpe to get not just what he wants, but what's good for us.

  4. I have been in the same head space... Ty for sharing your thoughts in this I have often struggled with "why does he let some things go". It is hard to be in that place emotionally and the in between when they step it up in a manner that is shocking to you.
    Thank you