Thursday, May 28, 2015

maybe: a not very D/s and somewhat touchy subject.....

But i don't have another blog - so this goes here.

I was raised Catholic and moved away from that to a more liberal, inclusive flavor of Christianity.  But, as i see it (feel deeply in my bones,) Christianity in the US has been hijacked by groups who are the very antithesis of Christian.  It is becoming very difficult for me to willingly accept the name, which should be causing me great concern and angst...crisis of faith and all that.

Except - it isn't - i worry that i ought to be feeling some crisis, but i actually feel kind of more at peace.

I find myself feeling more sure of what i think is right and wrong, what i feel i personally should and should not do for myself, my family, others, the world...and I'm sure much of this -  my conscience i suppose - is rooted in my upbringing - because i do feel that i am obliged in many ways to serve others - not out of guilt, but just because it's what is right.  I also feel more sure that religious institutions offer some good ways to serve others, but for me, a poor way to worship or find faith.

At the same time - maybe related, maybe unrelated - I feel myself changing.  And i have such a hard time explaining it - it feels like my soul changing maybe.

It's springtime and i do plants - but this year the pull to plant and tend and grow has been especially strong, and oddly specific.  Some things in our circumstances have changed and we now have access to a fairly wild piece of land and i am feeling something waking up inside of me in response to it.  I am just waiting though, waiting to see where the feelings and pulls and nudges lead me.

Maybe i'm sliding into crazy.  Maybe as i get older, the crazy is just freer to come out.  Maybe it's just a need to unplug - there's plenty in my daily life that is way too plugged in.   Maybe my soul has just reached a limit of being disconnected from what it really needs.

Like i said - not D/s - maybe crazy - but what's in my head a lot recently.....


  1. Or perhaps you are simply at a point where you are very content in your life and are embracing whats important to you and your family and letting go of what isnt?


    1. tori - that is a great way of looking at it, and pretty close to the truth i think. thank you.

  2. Feeling rooted, secure and content are good things, even while observing the chaos. You can observe and not join in. You can observe and be bothered by the issues of the scandal, without joining in/becoming entangled.
    Joining in, would be to suddenly change faiths because of what some other people over there are doing.

    1. bleuame - rooted and secure are good things - though i feel like i'm rooted differently than i have been ever before, but at the same time, it feels more real. You are right about not basing my faith on what other people are doing - either to join in or simply in reaction to... I need to be honest with myself and careful to avoid that. thank you.