Monday, May 11, 2015

on my mind

He often asks me what I'm thinking about.  Yesterday was a particularly all -over-the-board kind of day.  I'm missing probably 90% of it - but this is the remains that was still swirling in my head as i tried to fall asleep last night.

Is my mom going to continue to be able to live on her own and be safe and enjoy her retirement and freedom?

I got a profile on fetlife and poked around out of curiosity - mostly I realized I'm old - am I too old to be kinky?  Will I be soon?

Are the engines in ATV's fairly simple - simple enough that we could do basic maintenance, or are they more complex?

How would i change the dish i made for dinner last night - it was ok - but could be better.

Since we've gone far past the mini-van stage, does it make sense to trade that in for a different car - with all the other changes coming at us?

What about what comes next - two more years till both boys are off to college (all fingers crossed) - what does that mean for us - what should we be doing, what can we do to prepare?

Can we really kinkify our home at all - in any way?  How will things in our daily lives change - or will they?  Will it still be something that waxes and wanes with the demands of everything else? Am I just too old?

Why in the hell is it 87 degrees in early May - it doesn't get that warm in August here where i live?

What's up with the dog?  He's not old enough to be slowing down like this, is he?  Wonder how old he really is?  Should i take him in to the vet?  Is it just the heat?

Can we really impact climate change - or is it much too late?

I should move the roses there, and the rudibeckia there, and pull out the pachysandra, and finish the kitchen garden here......

What does my son's future look like?  Is he really doing what he needs to be doing?  What about the other one - is he alright or not?

Need to remember to hang out the laundry tomorrow morning before I go to work.

Work - oh crap - there's so much going on and so much i need to do I can't even let myself think about that tonight.

Why does he forbid me to touch his nipples?  And why do i always feel compelled to try anyhow?

If we do get a different car - it should be a stick so the boys can learn to drive a stick.  Plus - I miss that.

Getting divorced sucks.  I wish I could help in any way.  I don't know what either of them needs.  That loss of intimacy - physical, emotional, all around - must be devastating, i just can't imagine.  Although - maybe that intimacy hasn't been there in any case....

I should have bet something fun on the basketball game tonight.  (I don't care a bit about basketball, but we happened to root for different teams this time)   Abby has fun with it - i should think about that.

Why do i sometimes crave really harsh treatment and subjugation so badly, and other times i really want to turn the tables and be able decide what i want and when and how.

How do we get more involved and engaged in our community as our time frees up a bit in the next few years.

Isn't it possible to build a bed that doesn't squeak in any direction?

All the small and subtle signs of aging in our parents over this past weekend - what does the research say about successful aging - physically, but mostly mentally.  What do we need to be doing differently?

Since there was cock-worshipping going on tonight - will he still want me to be available tomorrow morning?  Or should i plan to go to work early?

Can I get away with not shaving - no - i suppose he does expect me to shave either way....

Since I'm in one of those 'want it - but not really sure i'm metally prepared for it' frames of mind - maybe it really is better that it's up to him after all.

Could i get into the right frame of mind?  Maybe a good beating would help with ALL THIS NOISE IN MY HEAD


  1. Oh gg, lots of thoughts going around in your head, i really want to say to not stress about things that you have no control over...but being as im guilty of this myself i wont....well i shall just leave it as try not to..but i think when it comes to ones children, as we ever stop worrying about our children?

    It's funny you mention about the feeling of being too old to be kinky....the bossman and i were talking about a similar topic the other evening, on the lines of is there a point where rather than us getting to old for kink...does the kink itself become old/just not as appealing anymore.

    and yeah a beating might help :)


    1. I know it's useless to stress and worry - especially about things i can't change or fix; somehow it feels irresposnisble to let go though, especially about family, and esp our kids. But that night was too much and i did need to let go of a lot. The beating helped - hopefully it will stick for a bit. I can assure you that kinky is still strong at our age - so you have a few years left at least :)

  2. Not sure if this helps, but you are not alone. I get all those varieties of thoughts going on...and then if i am still not asleep, i re-examine yesterday...or anticipate the days ahead. I agree with tori...a beating usually helps.
    hugs abby

    1. It's funny how finding more to worry about doesn't really help with sleeping..... And it was a beating to stick with me for a few days - and it has helped. thanks.

  3. I won't say that this doesn't apply to all women, because it very well may, but in my experience over the years I have seen that smart, intelligent, submissive women to tend to have a thousand tings running through their mind and have trouble clearing it out and letting go of it all. They over-think everything to the point of worrying themselves to death. They develop a never ending list in their heads of things just like you mentioned, and only a few of them are really important, yet in your mind they are all important and add to the frustration and mental exhaustion. I'm saying that any of this is bad or wrong, just that it's not out of the norm by any means.

    I think this is why a lot of submissive women find the true need for their submission, because there are times and ways that engaging in that helps them release all that have in their heads. It helps them forget everything else and just be who they are. It's the release from all those thoughts and just being in the moment with their Dom.

    Nice post! It's a good view of what many others go through and deal with daily.


    1. It has always amazed or befuddled me when my husband and other men i know say that they don't have this kind of constant noise in their heads - It is hard for me to believe or imagine what that could be like or how it could be. And it is interesting - i haven't taken a large poll - but i do think many women do. And it is absolutley one of the beautiful things about submitting, not just in the moment, but he is able to help quiet things for awhile. Thank you.

  4. GG,

    Oh my gods.
    I get this so much :-)

    And no!! You aren't too old for FL or kink.
    I know many kinksters who are having a kinky blast in their 50s and above!

    1. Thank you - we certainly aren't too old at this moment - i do sometimes wonder about the future though. This moment was the future or 7 years ago though, and i wondered the same thing then. thank you - i will keep poking around there to see what i see.

  5. ah, I relate to this!

    especially - 'Why do i sometimes crave really harsh treatment and subjugation so badly, and other times i really want to turn the tables and be able decide what i want and when and how.'
    with the addition - if I get offered the chance to decide, it seems to make me miserable. What's that all about?!

    and the bed squeaking thing - oh yes!

    as for being too old...There's plenty of 60+ers on fetlife. yes there's some who lie about their birthday and appear to be 95 for privacy reasons I suppose, but there are some genuine over 60s, still kinky, finding ways and means to get round various physical and health issues as needed.

    1. I really hate when that feeling crops up - the feeling of wanting to say no, not now, maybe later. It means that overall i'm not in a good place with things. We are still in good health - it's not a matter of physical limitations at all - just a wondering i guess, maybe just falling into sociey's views about sex being only for the young and beautiful. thanks.

  6. yup
    sounds about right... ;-)

    1. Do wish i could make it not so common - oh well. thanks.

  7. I'm sorry, but lol! I'd swear you were poking around in my nighttime brain...It's really awful sometimes to have so much noise!

    1. It really would be nice to be able to empty it out at will. I'll add that to my list of things i need to learn. Thanks.

  8. A big ditto to all of it here. Not the thought details, although those are similar, but the big ol' enormous pile of racing thoughts. I've let go of a lot of my want for D/s and kink, but I think I miss that small quiet place too much to let the idea of it go completely. W could do it with physical action, and David could get me there with a word. It was the only time my head was quiet. Meditation helps, but it's not as thorough as a good D/s session with your Dom.

    1. Thank you for coming by. That small quiet place - a perfect description. Rarely are just words enough to get me there; David really must have been very wise and very attuned to you.

  9. Hello greengirl ....there is something else to help quiet your brain and relax.....Vitamin B6 does magic.
    It cant be part of B-complex pills...just B6. You will feel it working in just few minutes.

    1. Thank you - i haven't thought at all to look into nutrition about this kind of thing. I wonder how it works?

    2. You will find lots of info online ...if you look ...I picked this one to show you it explains how it works.
      I am taking it myself it helps me in many ways...

    3. Thank you - i will look into this.