I have a million thoughts in my head right now.

You asked me to write about what i want and what i want to try and what I want you to read, etc....

I will add a list of things I would like to try, at least I think I do - hard to know what I will really like. I have put a list of the blogs that are (to me) worth looking at - some for thinking about this kind of dynamic some are just plain good erotic reading.

What I really want though - is to know what you want.

This whole thing - looking from the outside - is terribly weird looking: it looks either like gaming/Dungeons and Dragons or something like that - or like ultra right wing "because the bible says so." I don't have much stomach for either - although I realize I have more ability to work around the gaming/fantasy thing than you do.

But I see this as a way we can modify the dynamic of our relationship (too new age?? too psycho babble??) For me it boils down to - in our sex life - I was in charge simply because i said no all the time and you respected that, and that was wrong and I knew it but had no idea what to do about it. Giving you that decision making power was indeed the cure.

There are a lot of other small areas where i feel like you have acquiesced over the years simply to avoid conflict. Not big issues, but a lot of small things. At this point - I really just want to know what you want - what your preference is. I'm sure that there are things for which you truly have no preference, or not enough to bother thinking about it. Sometimes i think you do - it would probably be easier for me to believe you when you say you truly don't care if in some areas you did. And - believe it or not - and all evidence to the contrary - I like (occsionally) being able to make you happy - which is easier to accomplish if you actually care about something one way or the other in the first place. Or even just for you to say - I think i might like this -so could we/you try it and I'll see.

This all applies to sex - but outside of that too. I am certainly not looking to abdicate responsibility - or shift more burden to you. I am not going to turn into a blonde bimbo unable to make a decision or function on my own and I don't think you are ultimately responsible for my successes or failures - any more than I am for yours. So - no - I'm not exactly sure what I do mean for it to be - maybe it really should stay only in the bedroom (or basement/3rd floor) but maybe there are other areas where you would like/would find it easier/would maybe even enjoy having me go along with your decisions or sugesstions.

So i get the impression that you would really rather not discuss any of this any further - that you would be happy to just go with how things are going. The problem is that I'm not - I think I have gone as far as i really can or want to with reading and researching for now and I would like to start doing something. So even if it is nothing more than us talking about it - even if just for you to say that it's ridiculous, no way, too much work, too silly, we're too busy, whatever. But I do think that if it is just left hanging - I will be resentful, and that will undermine any of the goodness that has happened.


I guess ultimately iwhat i really want right now is to know if YOU want to explore this all in any depth, or if you would just as soon not really but you will because I seem to want to, or you feel like you would really rather not at all.