Friday, October 2, 2009

Big relationship decisions

Following the vein of trying to answer the deep, important questions about one's relationships, I'm going to dig into a very important issue between my husband and me.

It gets pretty cold here where we live, all due deference to those of you in Canada of course. And, since we refuse to pay the local gas company any more than absolutely necessary, our thermostat rests firmly at 62F (~17C) when we're up and about and at 58 (~14C) at night. That is, once we finally break down and turn the boiler on, never before November.

We are still very much in the process of figuring out how his dominance and my submission should work, or in which general areas. At this point, the only concrete structure in place is that he is completely in charge "in the bedroom" and elsewhere I work to be more respectful and to follow his lead unless I feel there is a very strong reason not to.

So what does this have to do with winter weather? Well, (and here's my foray into TMI) since we were married, he has never let me wear pajamas. And the sheets are damn cold on bare skin when the room is only 58 degrees. But we have these deliciously soft, WARM, flannel sheets; the perfect solution in the winter. However, he really dislikes flannel sheets, and contends that this agreement to submit "in the bedroom" should apply, quite literally in this case, to the choice of linens on the bed as well. I'm just not quite sure I see it this way.

** I think i need to put a clarification or two here.** The thermostats are set by me - I didn't think they were all that low - but judging by the first several comments, I'm wrong. I don't get cold very easily when I'm up and moving around, so, I'm either hot blooded or well insulated. We have a very warm down comfortor on the bed - so once the sheets warm up - it's plenty comfy. I would still prefer flannel sheets - but the actual suffering happening here is in fact minimal.


  1. one of the things D. was vigilent about whenever we were in a scene, was the simple reality of my physical comofort; i.e. whether the restraints were comfortable enough for an extended session and VERY IMPORTANT, the temmperature of the room! Hanging naked loses a great deal if your skin is goosepimpling and you're mind is focused on the reality of being COLD and not on what is happening ...

    the other issue is that a D/s is a dynamic - and a dynamic requires give and take - yeah, even in a master/slave one - because a submissive is not merely flesh but a person whose ideas, needs and wants should be listened to and her opinion respected (even if in the end the dominant's will prevails).

    perhaps other sheet types can be looked at (jersey can be quite warm); to me, I would resent being denied warmth and comfort for sleep; If you are not in positive sleep mode you'll end up sleep deprived and resentful on top of that; that's the reality.

  2. I'm with selkie on this one.

    I'm kinda going through the same thing so I might be doing a post on it.


  3. Selkie,
    Thank you for your comment. We are such a long way from getting this all figured out. At this point, we have the normal give and take of any marriage. And, honestly, in general, it has been more like my husband to give up his comfort than vice versa. The sheets issue pre-dates any of this; he just saw a golden opportunity to apply the letter of the law, as it were.

    When he's home, he lets me burrow in close to warm up, and when he's not - i cheat and wear flannel PJ's. When my husband read this - his response was that if this is the biggest issue we ever face, we'll be doing ok. On that count - he's right.

    It is interesting that you should mention the room temperature though - because he does often send me off to wait for him somewhere - naked. I don't get cold easily (except for the shock of cold sheets), but this waiting always leads to shivering. I really haven't figured out yet if it's cold or nerves, and whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. As it gets colder - I may need to make up my mind.

  4. being one of the aforementioned Canadians I can tell you that our furnace has been on for a week. Flurries are in the forecast for Wednesday. Our house stays around 22 degree Celsius and about 19 at night.

    Although I understand the need to manage expenses and there can be different levels of comfort when it comes to heat I will agree with Selkie as well. What I would say to your husband if he asked (I realize he is not) is a sexy and available submissive begins with her basic comfort, once that is achieved you can start adding the oh so delicious discomforts.

  5. I'll pretty much be singing with the chorus here. I've tried and I can not imagine what your husband is trying to accomplish here, unless it's to get his naked little wench all curled around him. If that's the case, I have to wonder what convinced him attempting to freeze her to death was the best choice. One of my Ladies is sensitive to cold, and I never let the house get below 72 degrees (F).

    I don't mean to pry, but is there something more here? Is he sensitive to heat or something associated? I knew a guy once that had some kind of breathing problem, and being cool helped. He's got to be the only person in the world that ever moved to Minnesota for the weather. If it's just a matter of money, are you on that tight a budget? Maybe you could offer to give up something else instead?

    In one way I have to side with the hubby on this one. If you said he's in charge in the bedroom, then he's in charge in the bedroom, although why he'd use his authority this way escapes me. It occurs to me that if you were willing to be devious and he wants to play the “Letter of the law” game, you might point out the thermostat is not actually in the bedroom really, so…………………………………

    Still, assuming he won't budge on this one, I would suggest a bed warmer of some kind. You can get an electric kind that works like the old brick-in-a-cloth idea. Or you can still get the soapstone kind that you actually do wrap in cloth. These would be something you stick under the covers and then remove after a bit just before getting into bed to preheat it. Another idea that I plan to try this year is to use this heating pad doohickey we have and stick it at their feet. I don't remember the company that made it (I can get it if though want me to) but it's some kind of liquid with a small metal disc in it all in a heavy plastic cover. The disc is concave, and you sort of "Pop" it with your fingers to turn it inside out. Somehow that makes the liquid crystallize (It takes about 15 seconds) and as it crystallizes it gets hot. This thing lasts several hours and can be reused. You just boil it and it liquefies again. I imagine you could pull off the same effect with an old fashioned hot water bottle or even any of those microwave corn-rice-cherry pit filled bags that are on the market. You can likely get directions off the internet to make one of those if you’re crafty. I plan to stick it under the covers a bit before bed and leave in the bed all night. No electricity or anything to start a fire, and they don’t get so hot as to burn you if you touch it with your tootsies at night. Hopefully one or more of these ideas will help you.

    Now, let’s discuss something else. I’ve read here on several occasions about how you’ve been married a long time, but are now exploring submission, it’s all brand new, yadda yadda. And THEN I see this…

    “…..since we were married, he has never let me wear pajamas.”

    Since you got married? A long time ago? So I gruess this is submission stuff isn't totally new to you after all is it? Apparently, you're just expanding the rooms where his influence travles ;)


  6. Wuss! Your house is 2 degrees warmer than mine. ;-p

    I feel your pain about cold sheets but I find that flannel gets too hot after about two hours of sleep. selkie's right about the jersey. It makes a nice compromise.

  7. Ack!

    Having just re-read my last comment post I wish to apologize for the horrid spelling. I was hurrying so I could get the Ladies off to yoga. I especially want to clarify that what I meant at a certain point was that if you want to know where I got my chemical heat pad, I can go get it out and look, it's listed right on the plastic case. You can order them for home delivery.


  8. Jz,
    How did I just know you would be able to one-up me on this one. Maybe we'll try the jersey.

  9. MC,
    I am very sorry to have given the impression that things are so bad here. I've ammended my post: I set the thermostat, not my husband. He likes the savings, but wouldn't mind it a few degrees warmer. I keep it so low out of pure stubborness, not (thank goodness) economic necessity.

    I am a very atypical girl in many respects and this is one - I really hate hot weather and I really like the cold. I love all of your suggestions for staying warmer, and for getting around the letter of the law. Thanks.

    As for the PJ's. You will just have to believe me. Every marriage has compromises, whatever flavor it is. The(very long running) joke is that this is the only thing I had ever given in to him on. It's another story in and of itself - maybe some day...But D/s is only less than 6 months old here in our house.

    Thanks again for the suggestions.

  10. Since I've never posted here before, I will take this opportunity. Hiya Honey!!! Chilly CD can't get her little engine to go vroom vroom, lol, sorry. And as for you Canadians and Jz, what the,,,? Me has to be warm for everyone to be happy. As much as I like traipsing around in lingerie, that turns into layers of flannel and sweats in the winter. For the most part, I sleep alone now, but I remember having to burrow deep to keep my shoulders and my nose covered. I get very cold, very quickly. I would be miserable if I had to be chilly to show submission.

    Aaack, it just crossed my mind - the anemia probably makes it take longer for me to warm up again, who knows. And what is it with men and needing women to sleep naked anyway? Hmmm, I feel a blog post coming on :) CD

  11. CD,
    Welcome! I know - I am atypical -and that's putting it politely. I wither in the heat, even with the short summers here, and don't mind the winters, while most people around here curse them. Course - there's no lingerie traipsing here - another girl thing I never figured out, so lots of sweats, fleece, and woool in the winter.
    Stay warm.

  12. Ahhh, so I need to send you links to the correct lingerie sites so you too, can traipse :) And being a woman, you will show Him and say look what that silly CD sent me :) Lolol. I know what you're getting for Christmas :)

  13. CD - that would be a whole new level of torture for me - one of us might thank you, one of us is likely to mutter not so pretty words under her breath.

  14. OR--
    You try it and decide you really *like* that look in his eyes...

    (Trust me on this one, sister! It *could* happen to you, too!)

    oh, and CD? Me likes warm, too. But me likes electricity and internet and, oh, yeah, FOOD, as well. (like, say, brownies)

  15. Gosh! You Canadians really take your heat issues seriously! LOL

    I loathe pjs so it really wouldn't worry me at all if he said no jammies. As a woman whose body temperature can rise fast, I can only sleep in a teeny tiny thin nightie. I turn the electric blanket on before I get in and then turn it off once I get in.

    Would an electric blanket with two thermostats work - one for him and one for you, so you can each regulate things?

    If the room is cold and I am shivering, I'm really not that much fun to play with. You are probably not either. I think that's the message for him here.

  16. JZ> dark side indeed!

    Vesta> I am too stubborn to turn up the thermostat - so an electric blanket is out - but in the end, he is having no trouble keeping me right where he wants for play.