Friday, October 16, 2009

Shifting Sands

I feel like I'm walking on shifting sands. The way we used to interact is gone, but whatever it is morphing into is still morphing, it isn't solid or yet dependable. I'm not sure quite how to act, to respond, to react to things. I don't trust my instincts to just be and do.

Not that there is ever an ideal time for tectonic shifting of a relationship's foundation, but this is a time of confluence of several major stressors for each of us. We knew this would be coming, so we don't also have to deal with the element of the unexpected (knock on wood), but there is no way to avoid or minimize what each of us has to do, or to assist each other in any concrete way.

Many days I feel like we are handling this much better than we would have previously; we aren't as short with each other, we have more patience and forbearance. We are also more affectionate, it sounds silly, but previously I would have completely walled myself off for the duration which induces its own tensions.

Other days though, when circumstances conspire, I do feel adrift and this causes a sort of hyper, unfocused restlessness and a palpable knot in my chest. It colors how i perceive everything and how i act. I don't really expect there to come a time in my life that I move beyond this kind of emotion and self doubt entirely, but i do wonder which would serve me better right now - the tried and true, or the still unformed potential.


  1. I am sure you know this but the problem with change is we cannot go back. Whatever the tried true was it is not now. I am not saying you can't alter your current course, you can. However what it was six months ago is in the past now.

  2. I guess it does no good to wonder if something would be good and useful if you can't retrieve it. Which leaves me with nothing left to wonder!?

  3. There's always the future to wonder about!

    Even if you hesitate over what approach would serve you best at this moment, do you really question what will serve you best over-all? I kind of don't think so.

    It's scary but you're already seeing such a positive impact in how you relate that I'll bet you're actually wondering how much farther you can take it! :-)

  4. How come you can see this and I didn't? You're right of course. I'm having a litttle trouble iwht the bigger picture right now - a little focused on the trees in front of me. Thanks for the perspective.

  5. You know... when things get shaky like this, it's usually a good sign. Change is always good and when it settles, things will be much better than they have ever been before.



  6. Spirited,
    You are one of the rare few who embrace the "change is good" philosophy. It is good to hear from people further along the way than I that it is a good journey.

  7. Walking on shifting sands? Tectonic vibrations?

    Yup that's me. My question is always am I walling myself off or am I a being walled in by circumstances I have little control over?

    Thanks seriously for writing this.


  8. Mouse,
    Yea - I'm not prone to panic, and I'm good in emergencies, things requireing sudden shifts or responses. But when things build up, I fall back on old patterns, and if they don't hold up - I get seriously unsettled.

    I'm not sure which frustrates me more - knowing I'm the one building the walls - but being unable to change things, or just butting my head against something not of my own doing.

    Your welcome.