There - I said it
I was talking with somone who I know in a very specific context the other day and dropped a rather tame but obvious sexual reference into the conversation. He mentioned that this was a little out of character for me, which struck me as funny. But, in thinking about it, I really am comfortable making any sort of innuendo with a very few people. And speaking about sex directly is very difficult for me. I said so in my introduction to this blog, and in conversations with this gentleman, had never ventured this direction before. So, of course, I needed to figure out why this is and if it is an issue - or just is. I came to a few conclusions, but certainly have not fully figured it out.
A few factors are easy. First of all, it just plain isn't an appropriate subject all the time or everywhere, period. Also, there are people who are able to write about the desire, the acts, the feelings, the whole thing in beautiful, or ironic, or humourous ways, and these are a pleasure to read. Then there are the writers for whom the same subject matter becomes high school locker room or college frat house. I have no confidence I would be able to avoid sounding like the latter. I write technical writing in my world, and am far too self conscious to bridge the gap yet between the mechanical and the emotional/erotic.
My discomfort with discussing sex one-on-one or more publicly also has roots in my past, and of course stem from discomforts with the subject itself, not just the discussion of the subject. I have consciously, un-consciously, and with most every fiber of my being resisted letting anyone have power over me, including and especially when it comes to sex. This has of course led to lots of thoughts about how I suddenly end up as the 's' part of the D/s equation. (A post for another day, oddly enough it involves vampires).
I have learned over and over again that everyone has a story, and truly, "comparisons are odious." I am really awfully fortunate and also, all things considered, fairly unscathed. I avoided many of the possible tragedies that frequently end such stories. Most importantly, I did not marry the wrong kind of man, I married exactly the right man. And now I have become able to relinquish this power to him, as long as he doesn't want me to talk about it in any detail that is. But I do have trouble talking about it with him, and this is where the whole thing probably qualifies as an issue. He is taking cetain steps to encourage me to be more comfortable expressing myself, and, not to put too fine a point on it, I am discovering I really like the doing, so the discussing is getting easier.