from the island of misfit girls

I am one of those people who just never seems to fit in. As a little girl, I never had 'girly' interests. This made me ok with the boys - but not 'ok' in the way I really wanted to be ok with them come puberty. In high school, I excelled at subjects girls weren't supposed to, and I couldn't begin to manage the social intricacies that girls were supposed to be good at. The disconnect continued throughout college - although less so, and in my career (in a fairly male dominated world over the past few years).

I have come to really accept this about myself. It just is who I am, I can't do any other way, I know this from times spent trying to fit in 'the right way.' But I do have spells when it strikes me harder. And I've had one of those times recently.


The community in which we currently live is fairly small, conservative, and blue collar. By and large, women don't work and there is a strong sentiment that the mom should be home with the kids. I've tried staying home and, frankly, I suck at it. I was a failure at it, so, I work.

On the other hand, most of the people with whom I work are single - either never married or divorced. I want to be married, I very much want my life to balance out in such a way that I can succeed at work; but moreso, I want my marriage and family to succeed.

Ironically, even among the fairly conservative, traditional people in our community, I would still never be able to talk about the structure of my marriage. In many ways, it aligns more with their way of viewing things than not. Nonetheless, i can't discuss it openly.

In this world of blogs, where I can discuss this type of relationship openly, we seem to not quite fit in either. The structure we have has been decided ultimately by my husband. I brought him some strange feelings and yearnings, an awful lot of ideas, and plenty of feedback about what does what to me and for me. But in the end, there is only going to be what he wants. But the way we work doesn't fit nicely into any of the abbreviations out there, or line up to look like one model or another. It's working for us, and we are growing with it, but i'm sure plenty would look at it and decide it isn't recognizable and thus just doesn't fit.

The thing that struck me the most recently has to do with looks and appearances. Emphasis seems to be placed on these a lot in this realm, either through pictures or descriptions of the people involved, or talk about what is expected of a woman as far as her appearance goes.
My sister got the looks in the family; me, not so much. However, brains aren't emphasized or even discussed much hereabouts. Maybe it is just counter to the whole notion - as a sub or a slave - maybe thinking for oneself is not quite the point of it after all, so it doesn't get emphasized. I have to believe though that the people in this corner of blogdom, particluarly the female subs/slaves/wives, are really quite bright and have plenty going on in that department, especially given the variety of ideas and insight and writing. But intelligence (creativity, etc...) just isn't talked about. I often wonder what my husband has ever seen in me - visually i mean. But I am glad that he isn't one of the 'most men' referred to in the picture above.

three C words

I wrote previously about containment and control.  At the time I wrote this, the two ideas appealed to me a great deal - moreso than I was completely willing to admit. I'm still not sure i fully understand them though.The idea of control especially seems to mean a lot of things: turning over control of our household or most/all decisions about our lives; control of my actions/behaviors - as in - my obedience to his way; and the kind of control i fantasize about - being controlled physically, sexually, even to the level of his manipulating my feelings and emotions. Containment I think I may understand a bit, I'm not sure. It seems to have to do with reining in, calming down, self reflection, re-focusing in a more appropriate, more effective way.

Both of these still appeal to me, a great deal, more than ever before in fact. But, there is a third 'C' word that I think my husband finds more important. He challenges me. He pushes me to do my best, to be my best, at whatever I do. He encourages me to take on new challenges.  He expects me not to settle for half-way efforts, in my work, in my parenting, in taking care of myself.  He knows what I'm capable of and isn't interested in this dynamic being an excuse for me to stop thinking and acting and doing and pushing. He has taken advantage of the dynamic to hold me to expectations and even to raise them. 

It has taken me days to write just this simple post, mostly in ten minute increments before I crash into bed at night. There is so much going on and such a huge list of more to do and deadlines and worries and concerns right now that I can't seem to focus my mind on anything.

I dream of containment and control these days, literally. I can think of absolutely nothing more appealing than being made to stop, reflect, re-focus. Or having him step in and take over, tell me exactly what to do, allow me to not think and just do would be lovely also.

It makes sense that the times we are both very busy with less time to focus on us are the times that I want/crave more control and more (any) containment. I know that what i really want is more time, more focus on us, escape from the stressful tasks, more of him and less of the world.

But this is when it is most challenging. However you want to frame it - as the mother in a family, as a wife in a marriage, or as the submissive in a D/s dynamic- this is what is needed of me right now. It just can't all happen if I'm not contributing. So, for now, this is the way I serve.

sex as metaphor

Almost a year ago - I wrote this:

i woke up again at 3 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep
i lay there thinking about you - imagining/remembering your hands on me
your hands feeling me, making me feel,
moving my body to where and how you want it
i ached to have you there and not imagined

this is something very new
previously i cringed at the thought of what you must feel touching me
so i never really experienced the feel of you on me
and i don't think you felt right to take command of my body

i never had this kind of aching before
now i can't imagine going back
i think you feel the right of it now
i hope it is pleasing for you
i hope it becomes part of you


It was at the very beginning of us changing our dynamic. At the time that I wrote it, I was in the beginning of a phase of unbelievably increased sex drive, my husband was out of town, and I was aching for him, physically. Or - that was my impression and understanding at the time.

Last night I came to bed. We were both exhausted and preoccupied; I expected that we would both just say good night and try to find some very elusive sleep. Instead he reached over and played gently, idly with a nipple. (He seems to like to do this, I'm not allowed to stop him - it is one of the very few things there is a punishment for) Then the other. Then a little more pressure, and harder. Very soon I was covering my own mouth to stifle the noise.

He switched gears - he pinned my arms with one hand and traced my body with the other, as he traced my face and lips and into my mouth, he wouldn't allow me to move my tongue in response, or what i so wanted to do - to suck on his fingers. Then he repeated this with his cock - over my breasts, my face, my mouth - my mouth open but not allowed to taste or to reach for what it wanted. Then the biting. Him taking me into his mouth. All over. Hard. Much more stifling of cries. His need to have his mouth engaged and stimulated every bit as strong as mine, but harsher. Eventually he used my mouth, not - allowed me to use my mouth for him -he used my mouth. Then we both found very good sleep.

He controlled, I allowed. He released a building tension and had an outlet for days of stress and worry. It has become part of him. But it isn't just my body, and it isn't just sex. It is throughout all of both of us.

moving

Our household will uproot and move across several states in three weeks. Three weeks after that the kids start life at a brand new school and I dive into a new career. One of the tricks of this online thing is that the virtual me remains constant no matter where the physical me goes. By the same token, the greengirl me here has a fairly static being, no matter how frenetic and chaotic the life swirling around me may be. Of course this is just as true for everyone else, all of you; I think it's good for me to remember that sometimes.

The thing that happens when life gets this crazy is that I run out of time in my days and in my head. We literally don't have time for things to go badly between us, or to go particularly well, things just have to go. I guess that on some level, the fact that they do keep going is a good thing. I have to remind myself of that sometimes: just because we aren't in a phase of deep turmoil or serious angst, or of exponential growth or googly-eyed bliss, doesn't mean our relationship has ceased.

Oh- and just to make sure we don't get too complacent with the chaos, we adopted a dog this weekend too.

What would you write?

My husband sent me a link with a suggestion for a topic for this blog. He had heard (on NPR - sort of the US version of the BBC) a story about a college age blogger that had intrigued him and which he thought would make an interesting topic for me to consider. This woman had reached out to her fellow bloggers for advice by asking them to write letters to their 20 year old selves. The responses were interesting in themselves, but the process of looking back to try decided what you might have benefitted from knowing at that age demands some real soul searching and soul baring. Specifically, my husband asked me to write a letter to my 20 year old self about intimate relationships and my sexuality.


My first impulse in trying to do this was to argue about how tinkering with the past would inevitably alter the present. This isn't just a cop-out arguement. I like my present - a great deal. I ended up here because of the convergance of a very large number of factors. Had those realities been different along the way, had I viewed things differently, been more or less open to different things, prioritized things differently, made different choices, I would be in a very different place right now, likely even with a different person. This is not at all to say that I didn't make mistakes, or that there is nothing I view as having been a poor choice or wrong way of viewing or prioritizing things along the way. But all of my past has led me here, and I don't look at my present and wish I had ended up somewhere else.


So - I did write this letter - with the huge caveat that I would assume I could give my 20 year old self perspective, advice, or forwarning without altering the actual trajectory of my life:


Dear Greengirl,
You are having the time of your life right now. When it comes to boys and sex and relationships, your hardest experiences and biggest mistakes are behind you. Keep that in mind and relax and enjoy it all. It really is ok. You will meet good people, have fun getting to know them and remember that you have a lot to offer, they want to know you too.

It really does get easier now, although you will still have your heart broken. Don't let that keep you from opening your heart or putting your whole self into the relationships.

Be confident. Be confident to ask for what you want and what you know needs to happen. And be confident to explore things that make you a little nervous. You will be intrigued by some some men, and some women; have the confidence to see where that goes and trust your instincts.

It will be a great adventure - Enjoy it!!

Your 43 year old self

We visited my parents recently. Being with mom and dad is very hard on me. I watch them interact in the way they do and I find it repugnant. It's the pattern they have always had and I have always hated that he treats her that way and expects what he expects and that she not only goes along, but seems to seek it out. He commands, she does absolutely everything for him, waits on him, is at his beck and call, structures her moments, her days, her weeks, her life to revolve around him. All whether he is nice about it - or quite nasty.

She bemoans it, she complains and asks how to change things, she is frequently distraut about it, she yearns for time away, yet she falls right back into it - no change..... On some level this must be what she needs, or wants, or both. But their relationship has been so bitter and mean and full of regret that it is impossible to imagine wanting any part of it. It is horribly complex - they love each other, they want each other, they hurt each other, they want to protect themsleves. It is impossible for me to reconcile: what if this really is the way she wants to live, whether she is consciously aware of it or not.


And yet - the difference in their set up and ours is in degree and in perception only. Well - not only - it is really much, much more convoluted than that, I know. But in the end - I'm seeking many of the same things - in name, if not in the way it is executed. I am happy with the idea and mostly with the reality of my submission - most of the time. Being with them stirs it all around though and distorts it.