Saturday, July 3, 2010

We visited my parents recently. Being with mom and dad is very hard on me. I watch them interact in the way they do and I find it repugnant. It's the pattern they have always had and I have always hated that he treats her that way and expects what he expects and that she not only goes along, but seems to seek it out. He commands, she does absolutely everything for him, waits on him, is at his beck and call, structures her moments, her days, her weeks, her life to revolve around him. All whether he is nice about it - or quite nasty.

She bemoans it, she complains and asks how to change things, she is frequently distraut about it, she yearns for time away, yet she falls right back into it - no change..... On some level this must be what she needs, or wants, or both. But their relationship has been so bitter and mean and full of regret that it is impossible to imagine wanting any part of it. It is horribly complex - they love each other, they want each other, they hurt each other, they want to protect themsleves. It is impossible for me to reconcile: what if this really is the way she wants to live, whether she is consciously aware of it or not.

And yet - the difference in their set up and ours is in degree and in perception only. Well - not only - it is really much, much more convoluted than that, I know. But in the end - I'm seeking many of the same things - in name, if not in the way it is executed. I am happy with the idea and mostly with the reality of my submission - most of the time. Being with them stirs it all around though and distorts it.


  1. I can really, really see how this could be deeply uncomfortable for you.
    But the difference is NOT only in degree and perception. There are also the personalities involved. The way we are and how we interact changes the very nature of that interaction.
    Nothing you've ever said about your husband fits the way you describe your father. You are clearly not your mother. And the relationship you two have is certainly not bitter, mean, and full of regret but happy and fulfilling.
    I know you know this but - Don't let their bitterness become yours.

  2. It can be very confusing when the very things we crave in a relationship are no doubt very bad and down right abusive in other relationships.

    Love, respect and devotion change the dynamics on the same specific acts so greatly that they are hardly recognizable.

  3. But in the end - I'm seeking many of the same things - in name, if not in the way it is executed. I am happy with the idea and mostly with the reality of my submission . . .

    But there in lies the difference, gg, it is in the execution and the intention. It is the difference between dominance and domineering, between submission and subjugation.

    It is what you seek, by agreement, by open discussion, planned and thought out, and considered.

    Completely different than a relationship that has devolved into such a state.

  4. My best friend is going through a very tough time having been told that she has breast cancer. Her husband is 'between jobs' and seeing a psychologist to help him sort out his feelings about it all and their two girls have returned to live with them. Worrying that she might be under undue pressure I asked how things were at home.

    "It is fine, really," she assured me. "We are actually all being very kind to each other."

    I thought about that; how, in the end, that is what it is all about.

    And, that is the difference between the two relationships you describe. As I know it, a D/s relationship is ALL about kindness, even when you are being spanked!

  5. I agree with the others... really the big difference between what your parents have and what you and your hubby have is that they do not have any respect for one another. That's probably the biggest issue. And also what your dad is doing is not really dominance... it's domineering.



  6. Jz,
    You're right - we are not they - it is just a lot easier for me to remember this wehn I'm further away.

    I think you are right - and I wonder how they went so wrong - they do love each other - respect though i think is a large part of the difference - both for themselves and for each other. I also wonder if they could have had help to figure out better ways of making it all work.

    Intention is the piece I couldn'tcome up with as I was writing this. I could see that what we have is manifested very differently (the execution) but I couldn't identify why we are able to do that and they aren't. Thank you.

    I think you are right - it does seem that a commonality is thinking of the other as much as or even more than oneself (even from the Dom side)and that makes all the difference, and has way of flowing back around to meet our needs after all.

    Yes - respect for themselves enough to see what they are doing and stop themselves and not let the other continue in the same way as well.

  7. gg,

    I wish I had something profound to add but honestly it's all been covered!