sex as metaphor

Almost a year ago - I wrote this:

i woke up again at 3 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep
i lay there thinking about you - imagining/remembering your hands on me
your hands feeling me, making me feel,
moving my body to where and how you want it
i ached to have you there and not imagined

this is something very new
previously i cringed at the thought of what you must feel touching me
so i never really experienced the feel of you on me
and i don't think you felt right to take command of my body

i never had this kind of aching before
now i can't imagine going back
i think you feel the right of it now
i hope it is pleasing for you
i hope it becomes part of you


It was at the very beginning of us changing our dynamic. At the time that I wrote it, I was in the beginning of a phase of unbelievably increased sex drive, my husband was out of town, and I was aching for him, physically. Or - that was my impression and understanding at the time.

Last night I came to bed. We were both exhausted and preoccupied; I expected that we would both just say good night and try to find some very elusive sleep. Instead he reached over and played gently, idly with a nipple. (He seems to like to do this, I'm not allowed to stop him - it is one of the very few things there is a punishment for) Then the other. Then a little more pressure, and harder. Very soon I was covering my own mouth to stifle the noise.

He switched gears - he pinned my arms with one hand and traced my body with the other, as he traced my face and lips and into my mouth, he wouldn't allow me to move my tongue in response, or what i so wanted to do - to suck on his fingers. Then he repeated this with his cock - over my breasts, my face, my mouth - my mouth open but not allowed to taste or to reach for what it wanted. Then the biting. Him taking me into his mouth. All over. Hard. Much more stifling of cries. His need to have his mouth engaged and stimulated every bit as strong as mine, but harsher. Eventually he used my mouth, not - allowed me to use my mouth for him -he used my mouth. Then we both found very good sleep.

He controlled, I allowed. He released a building tension and had an outlet for days of stress and worry. It has become part of him. But it isn't just my body, and it isn't just sex. It is throughout all of both of us.