three C words

I wrote previously about containment and control.  At the time I wrote this, the two ideas appealed to me a great deal - moreso than I was completely willing to admit. I'm still not sure i fully understand them though.The idea of control especially seems to mean a lot of things: turning over control of our household or most/all decisions about our lives; control of my actions/behaviors - as in - my obedience to his way; and the kind of control i fantasize about - being controlled physically, sexually, even to the level of his manipulating my feelings and emotions. Containment I think I may understand a bit, I'm not sure. It seems to have to do with reining in, calming down, self reflection, re-focusing in a more appropriate, more effective way.

Both of these still appeal to me, a great deal, more than ever before in fact. But, there is a third 'C' word that I think my husband finds more important. He challenges me. He pushes me to do my best, to be my best, at whatever I do. He encourages me to take on new challenges.  He expects me not to settle for half-way efforts, in my work, in my parenting, in taking care of myself.  He knows what I'm capable of and isn't interested in this dynamic being an excuse for me to stop thinking and acting and doing and pushing. He has taken advantage of the dynamic to hold me to expectations and even to raise them. 

It has taken me days to write just this simple post, mostly in ten minute increments before I crash into bed at night. There is so much going on and such a huge list of more to do and deadlines and worries and concerns right now that I can't seem to focus my mind on anything.

I dream of containment and control these days, literally. I can think of absolutely nothing more appealing than being made to stop, reflect, re-focus. Or having him step in and take over, tell me exactly what to do, allow me to not think and just do would be lovely also.

It makes sense that the times we are both very busy with less time to focus on us are the times that I want/crave more control and more (any) containment. I know that what i really want is more time, more focus on us, escape from the stressful tasks, more of him and less of the world.

But this is when it is most challenging. However you want to frame it - as the mother in a family, as a wife in a marriage, or as the submissive in a D/s dynamic- this is what is needed of me right now. It just can't all happen if I'm not contributing. So, for now, this is the way I serve.