For a series of unavoidable reasons, there has not been an opportunity for us to have an intense physical time together in a very long time. I don't know what to call it - i don't even know what euphamism to use. But it comes down to pain. Now I find myself very nervous about it. If or when we are able to return to this, will i be able to? How will i respond? Was I crazy before? Is this something that sounds good in my head, but in reality - well - what if it just plain hurts and that's all?
I don't understand my body's response to pain - and even less so do i understand what happens in my head with it. Not just with it - but now - without it. It does feel like an addiction. I don't (or didn't previosuly) think that I have an addiction prone personality. Even chocolate is fairly moderated. But pain I crave. I want a fix, I dream of it, fantasize about it, feel my body and my mood go through withdrawal the longer I go without. This isn't just not normal, I've come to terms with not normal. But is it really an ok thing?
This makes me uneasy - I don't want to dress up a physical addiction to flooding my body with very nice neurotransmitters in a lot of fancy terms, and justify it by incorporating it into a new marriage dynamic. The eventual outcome to that is too easy to predict. Seeing it this way, the obvious choice is to walk away altogether, like refusing that first cigarette; quitting now is always easier than quitting later.
On the other hand, is this a deeper part of myself? Will i/would i function better if this part of me were addressed and developed? Would it actually enhance our dynamic? Is it what it feels like - a very strong and concrete expression of our differences, our duality, a way to both need and satisfy need, a form of communication, a way to connect, to establish and re-establish our relationship?
There is the thought that this isn't my place to wonder, it's up to him. I should have or not have, do or not do, whatever he decides. Except that that isn't who or where we are - he wants to know my thoughts and feelings and reactions and fantasies. Then he will decide. But this thing - I really don't know and don't understand.