Wednesday, September 29, 2010


For a series of unavoidable reasons, there has not been an opportunity for us to have an intense physical time together in a very long time.  I don't know what to call it - i don't even know what euphamism to use.  But it comes down to pain.  Now I find myself very nervous about it.  If or when we are able to return to this, will i be able to?  How will i respond?  Was I crazy before?  Is this something that sounds good in my head, but in reality - well - what if it just plain hurts and that's all?   

I don't understand my body's response to pain - and even less so do i understand what happens in my head with it.  Not just with it - but now - without it.  It does feel like an addiction.  I don't (or didn't previosuly) think that I have an addiction prone personality.  Even chocolate is fairly moderated.  But pain I crave.  I want a fix, I dream of it, fantasize about it, feel my body and my mood go through withdrawal the longer I go without.  This isn't just not normal, I've come to terms with not normal.  But is it really an ok thing?

This makes me uneasy - I don't want to dress up a physical addiction to flooding my body with very nice neurotransmitters in a lot of fancy terms, and justify it by incorporating it into a new marriage dynamic.  The eventual outcome to that is too easy to predict.  Seeing it this way, the obvious choice is to walk away altogether, like refusing that first cigarette; quitting now is always easier than quitting later. 

On the other hand, is this a deeper part of myself?  Will i/would i function better if this part of me were addressed and developed?  Would it actually enhance our dynamic?  Is it what it feels like - a very strong and concrete expression of our differences, our duality, a way to both need and satisfy need, a form of communication, a way to connect, to establish and re-establish our relationship? 

There is the thought that this isn't my place to wonder, it's up to him.  I should have or not have, do or not do, whatever he decides.   Except that that isn't who or where we are - he wants to know my thoughts and feelings and reactions and fantasies.  Then he will decide.  But this thing - I really don't know and don't understand. 


  1. Greengirl,I have some of the same thoughts. I've known since I was small that I feel differntly about pain than most people do, but I never admitted to myself until recently that I love it, I crave it. Yes, now that I'm getting semi-regular applications, I do crave more.

    I do have an addictive personality, and have been addicted to substances and actions in the past. This, while exhibiting some similar characteristics, feels different, at least for me. Completely seperate form the erotic aspect, a good whippin' makes me feel better, helps my peri-menopausal moodswings, makes me feel more connected to him. Sometimes it feels good, some times it just hurts, but after, I'm always glad it happened. If you crave doing somehting that is good for you, are you still addicted? If so then I'm addicted to brushing my teeth and walking every day.
    I can't explain the how or why,but I know one thing for sure...You are NOT crazy.

  2. I guess my basic response to this is: Walk away because you want to, walk away because you need to, but don't walk away just because you think maybe it would be easier.
    Unfortunately, only you can figure that out.
    Not that easy, I know...

  3. Kelly,
    After I wrote this is thought about it a lot more deeply - writing it triggered soemthing. You are right - it isn't a fact t ath I believe i am or eve might be crazy - that is too easy and covers for other feats. I hope it will straighten itself out soon. Thank you

    I want to, I don't want to, I want to hide, I want to figure it out .... I just don't know.

  4. Hi Greengirl I totally felt this way and before we were settled into a 'pattern' or established roles regarding Dd I too felt as if there was truly something addictive. After a year of trying it out, another of erotic, and our current third of true Dd, I no longer feel that way. After waiting all my life (I had this infatuation with it in the sixth grade) to get this started, so much had been pent up that once we began, I was insatiable and obsessive. Once I realized and got D on board with the Dd lifestyle I've calmed down considerably. But as Jz said, you have to be the judge of you. Try not to be too hard on yourself, which for many of us, is too easy. My best to you, KayLynn


    Check this out, I thought of you.

  6. KayLynn,
    Pent up - for sure. Ikeep thinking I'm getting to the calm, then something new comes along and it starts all over again.

    I had emailed my husband a link to that post in Libby's blog. I have conflicted feelings about it, in fact it gets to the core of my inner conflict right now.

    Thank you.