I said i would do it - said i would be the one to take the heat, to push the changes, to try to protect, to stand up and say 'enough.'
This has been my role anyhow. Also, i'm really the only one who can.
But it sucks - in the ways i expected it to, and in lots of painful, twisted, unexpected ways i had never imagined.
And of course, changes never stick all the way. There is lots of backsliding and excuse making and justifying, and we are only a little ahead of where we were before. After all that.
So now he works from a position of even greater power, and guess who's in his sights. The shots land with deadly accuracy and i absorb them. It's ok, that's my job.
I sometimes think i wish my husband were into the mind games, the mind fuck. But he's not - he's straightforward, direct, and doesn't play games. But it might be dark and exciting and oh so cool to have him toy with me, to manipulate my feelings, my desires and my will, to play me like a puppet....
Now i realize i've had that - the manipulation, the guilt, the ability to push just the right buttons, the ability to cut to the core..... If he did try to play games, he would only trigger the million land mines in my head and probably blow us both up.
And the "daddy" thing - i'm very, very comfortable using the word never.