Tuesday, August 2, 2011

tag - you're it

I said i would do it - said i would be the one to take the heat, to push the changes, to try to protect, to stand up and say 'enough.'

This has been my role anyhow.  Also, i'm really the only one who can.

But it sucks - in the ways i expected it to, and in lots of painful, twisted, unexpected ways i had never imagined.

And of course, changes never stick all the way.  There is lots of backsliding and excuse making and justifying, and we are only a little ahead of where we were before.  After all that.

So now he works from a position of even greater power, and guess who's in his sights.  The shots land with deadly accuracy and i absorb them.   It's ok, that's my job.

I sometimes think i wish my husband were into the mind games, the mind fuck.  But he's not - he's straightforward, direct, and doesn't play games.  But it might be dark and exciting and oh so cool to have him toy with me,  to manipulate my feelings, my desires and my will, to play me like a puppet....

Now i realize i've had that - the manipulation, the guilt, the ability to push just the right buttons, the ability to cut to the core.....  If he did try to play games, he would only trigger the million land mines in my head and probably blow us both up.

And the "daddy" thing - i'm very, very comfortable using the word never.


  1. You know, it's kind of crazy like that. I used to have a lot of those "I wish He would" moments, only to later realize that if He had, I would be completely mental--in a very bad way lol.
    And I'm with you on the whole "daddy" thing...

  2. The good ones know to stay away from buttons they could push - but had better not.

    re: Daddy
    Yeah, I've totally hit overload on reading that lately.
    Just Say No.

  3. maybe i can give you advice ;) dont vait for play of him just start play alone;) really works. stand at the mirror begin to comb the neck reveals Improve clothes,pretend that you do not see him for a long time but behave sexy:) on my work. invite me

  4. lil,
    yea - it is a very good thing that he decides and i don't just get what i think i want - of course the irony of how childish that sounds in light of my last statement is not lost. oh well...

    And he is a very good one indeed. thank you.

    let's talk,
    welcome. I actually am required to wait for his permission to play and i'm not allowed to ignore him in this way. I appreciate the advice, but gaining his interest has not been a problem.