I keep trying to write this post - and i keep thinking there is some big revelation here that i'm missing - lots of deep thoughts i should be having. I've written and deleted paragraphs - and decided it is really simpler than all that: following where he leads is a good thing.
There is a time and place for everything - the deep, the dark, the harsh, the difficult and challenging, but also for the lighter side. And if that is where he wants to go - i should follow, and it might even be good for me, for us.
We live in an old house which means no central air. We have a window unit in our bedroom and during the most recent heat wave we had an evening alone together. He emailed a list to me to have on hand before he got home: ice cream - my choice of flavor, ice (we have no ice maker either), a light dinner; also shower/shave, and lay out all the toys he owns, arranged by type.
So we retreated to the relative coolness of our bedroom. We had dinner in bed, then some playtime, a break for ice cream (mocha chocolate chip), and more playtime, a drink of ice water and some cuddling, and more playtime....
Not that it was feather ticklers and strawberries and champagne in bed. He worked his way through most of the "things you can hit someone with" implements he has, thankfully skipping the paddle i hate the most. And the spanking bench made an appearance. I was at times plugged, and bound, and tortured with that rolling inside out pincushion. And nevermind the attention he payed to making me come.
We even got to try out the needles he gave me as my birthday present. I was excited but very nervous about that. He took it slow and had a grin on his face the whole time. He insisted I watch this first time -and it was lovely. I should have realized - there is a huge flood of sensation as they go in, then (sort of) nothing, then another flood of sensation on the way through from underneath the skin. It's a whole different kind of sensation, and a whole different kind of focus: a more narrow and much more concentrated connection between us.
He played with me - just explored and tried things and worked things out. Things made an impact, I felt them, i felt the pain, and i was floating gently, but nothing was extreme or even very difficult. There were no safewords - but a lot of checking in and open and intimate conversation about how i was doing, what i was feeling, how my body and mind were responding.
It didn't have that edge, no fear, and no struggle to accept the pain or the unknown. No struggle to submit. And somehow that was it - in my head it had to be a struggle to be submission. But apparently not. Maybe there is something for me to learn from that about more mundane, everyday aspects of this submission thing too.