Wednesday, August 10, 2011

things he might not know

So often he surprises me by the things he knows - things i hadn't realized, especially about myself, or things i have no idea how he knew...

I find it hard to tell him things i think i know that i think he doesn't know.

Not silly everyday stuff - i have no problem being a smartass - or playing dumb then surprising him by knowing things he thought i had no interest in whatsoever (think sports or politics).

I mean i find it hard to tell him things i think will burden him or worry him

that  i'm drifting or unraveling when he's distracted, preoccupied, stressed and far away
that  i need him to come find me and bring me back
that i'm approaching the point that the doubts and paranoia about his not wanting this or me anymore are creeping into the edges of my consciousness

How can i want to add to his stress?  But the further apart we get and the more out of control my doubts get, the harder it is for me to do or be anything useful for him.

I  find it hard to tell him things i want or wish or believe would be good for me, good for him to do or ask of me.

that checking up on me and what he's asked me to do makes me feel silly and defensive, but also secure and cared for - and that i worry he will think less of me because i do feel this way 
that small little rituals mean a lot to me, a little goes a long way to helping me feel his presence 
that sometimes slightly bigger gestures would help bring me back to where i work best - and where he likes me to be - things like making me wear cuffs to sleep, plugging me, a few hard swats, asking me to be at his feet

Saying these things feels too close to the very, very uncomfortable territory of asking him to take charge - then telling him exactly how to do just that.  But i also recognize the simple fact that, as much as he surprises me with what he does realize about me, he can't know what i think and feel unless i tell him.  And even more importantly, if i keep these things to myself - it eventually becomes an unconscious game of waiting to see if he will figure it out on his own.  Testing him isn't fair to him or good for either of us.

It comes down to the many areas in which i still haven't let go of the control - i decide what i tell him, i decide how much to let him see, i decide what i think i should present to him, or not.  I can (and do) tell myself that he probably doesn't want this control anyhow, it's likely an area he has no interest in venturing into.  If he hasn't asked and hasn't pushed - he must not care.  And if i do (like i'm doing right now with this post) tell him about these things, i worry he will take it as an indictment or a test of some sort.  Because i haven't seen the way around this catch 22, this is my attempt at a way out.

I can say these things now because i'm pretty level headed right now - things are ok and fairly well balanced.  When i feel adrift and out of control, i am less and less able to see the reasonableness of these things.  I'm also less able to show him the unreasonable me, although i imagine he knows her well anyhow.


  1. "I find it hard to tell him things i think i know that i think he doesn't know." I love that complicated yet so simple.

    I feel just as you do, about all of it. Sara

  2. smart idea, to get it out now while it's not needed, so it isn't screamed out at some time when it is...

  3. I think communicating needs and feelings like this is one of the hardest parts of TTWD. I agree with Jz that it is a very smart idea to think about this when you are balance. I'm more likely to let this sort of thing out in PMS rant or something.

  4. Sara,
    thank you.

    Jz and Serenity,
    I think this was better than the alternative - i think there may still be an *oh shit* moment coming though after he reads this.

  5. I'm new to your Blog (love it btw!). I just wanted to say, I can relate to everything you've said. I go round and round and build things up (in my mind), questioning myself, then answering my own questions!

    I find it hard too, to tell my DM when I am feeling less submissive and need HIM to bring me back. As hard as it is to ask him, and worrying that he may think I'm needy/clingy etc, I DO ask him. (It helps that he is long distance so I can email). I am lucky in that he asks me to share my feelings and thoughts.

    You might find it easier to write to you DOM and ask or tell him what you need? The more he KNOWS, the more he can give YOU what you need. :)

  6. Oh's like you've been in my head, thinking my thoughts. i know you didn't write it for this reason, but i'm so going to send this to Lyon...thank you.


  7. Sky,
    Welcome. When i am really have a very hard time telling him things - or when he is away - i do write to him. We've tried a number of ways and i think are still figuring it out. thank you

    You're welcome. it does seem like a lot of the experiences are common to a number of us.