So often he surprises me by the things he knows - things i hadn't realized, especially about myself, or things i have no idea how he knew...
I find it hard to tell him things i think i know that i think he doesn't know.
Not silly everyday stuff - i have no problem being a smartass - or playing dumb then surprising him by knowing things he thought i had no interest in whatsoever (think sports or politics).
I mean i find it hard to tell him things i think will burden him or worry him
that i'm drifting or unraveling when he's distracted, preoccupied, stressed and far away
that i need him to come find me and bring me back
that i'm approaching the point that the doubts and paranoia about his not wanting this or me anymore are creeping into the edges of my consciousness
How can i want to add to his stress? But the further apart we get and the more out of control my doubts get, the harder it is for me to do or be anything useful for him.
I find it hard to tell him things i want or wish or believe would be good for me, good for him to do or ask of me.
that checking up on me and what he's asked me to do makes me feel silly and defensive, but also secure and cared for - and that i worry he will think less of me because i do feel this way
that small little rituals mean a lot to me, a little goes a long way to helping me feel his presence
that sometimes slightly bigger gestures would help bring me back to where i work best - and where he likes me to be - things like making me wear cuffs to sleep, plugging me, a few hard swats, asking me to be at his feet
Saying these things feels too close to the very, very uncomfortable territory of asking him to take charge - then telling him exactly how to do just that. But i also recognize the simple fact that, as much as he surprises me with what he does realize about me, he can't know what i think and feel unless i tell him. And even more importantly, if i keep these things to myself - it eventually becomes an unconscious game of waiting to see if he will figure it out on his own. Testing him isn't fair to him or good for either of us.
It comes down to the many areas in which i still haven't let go of the control - i decide what i tell him, i decide how much to let him see, i decide what i think i should present to him, or not. I can (and do) tell myself that he probably doesn't want this control anyhow, it's likely an area he has no interest in venturing into. If he hasn't asked and hasn't pushed - he must not care. And if i do (like i'm doing right now with this post) tell him about these things, i worry he will take it as an indictment or a test of some sort. Because i haven't seen the way around this catch 22, this is my attempt at a way out.
I can say these things now because i'm pretty level headed right now - things are ok and fairly well balanced. When i feel adrift and out of control, i am less and less able to see the reasonableness of these things. I'm also less able to show him the unreasonable me, although i imagine he knows her well anyhow.