My husband has at times asked me to tell him some of my fantasies. Sounds simple right - sounds like what all married couples do, or should do.  But it has come up a few times and i have always balked until it gets dropped.

This is a really, really hard topic for me.  Frankly i think i'm defective. My brain, my imagination, my sub-conscious - whatever it is - just doesn't work right.

I am analytical, a problem solver, all about form and function.  I am not imaginative or artistic or most anything typically associated with being female.

What there has been for me, in my head, when i let my mind wander to the things that arouse and excite hasn't been something i could write out or tell.  There is no scene, no back story, no scenario, no predicament per se - no people - no person - not even  a gender.

It has been about what i feel, sense, experience and it has been extremely ill defined.  Or rather, the types of things i feel and sense and the mental state i am put into is the fantasy - that is defined - but that is all there is.  In my mind i can feel the exposure, the edge of fear, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the desire to get away and the knowlege that i can't....

Trying to give this enough shape and substance to articulate it is what led to my previous post.

And writing that post, and re-reading it made me see that it is a fairly dark thing; a desire to annihilate myself for someone else.  I think this took my husband aback some.  I know it made me stop and think.

I don't actually want  to lose myself, i don't really want to be unattached and disconnected and lost.  What i wrote about, the impression of my fantasy, was that it would consume all parts of my life, all of me; but fantasies aren't meant to be reality.

Apparently there are aspect to me that i hadn't realized, and which are still not very clear. Maybe this has implications for everyday life.  Maybe it is better explored in a more limited context, or not at all.  That is all up to him.

fantasy vs. intimacy

All along i've thought of it as fantasy vs reality.  Of course the stuff that turns me on to read can't happen in real life.  But specifically why not?

There's the stuff of fiction and erotica and fantasy, some of the particular themes that hook me: someone unknown and dark and mysterious and in authority - someone who is very, very serious - who i, for some reason, really want to please - who pushes me and challenges me and has expectations of me - even scares me a bit, or more than a bit.  A big part of it is that I don't know him, and especially, he doesn't know me.  I have to learn his ways and his desires.  Most importantly, my own expectations of myself become moot  - forgotten, completely irrelevant.

I am to be molded, changed, no longer myself, and most to the point, no longer responsible for myself.

Or maybe shown a new me that i didn't know was always there.

For this fantasy, this story to work, i can't have connections.  I need to have no connections to other people, no family, no attachments, and no real connection to myself.  Because in the fantasy - no time is spent worrying about my wishes or desires, or even my state of mind.  In fact, there is no getting to know me at all.  It is all about my becoming something else - what i was is irrelevant.  

In reality - it's never going to happen.  Quite the opposite in fact.  My husband knows me - we keep learning more about each other.  He pushes me, but to be more *me*, not someone else.  He does what he wants, and gets what he wants out of me, but what he wants is influenced by who i am, who he knows me to be.

He has no interest whatsoever in my relinquishing responsibility, for the mundane, or in a deeper sense for myself.   

So for me, really - i think it's intimacy vs. fantasy.  What ttwd does for us, has done for us, is exponentially increase the bare-it-all intimacy.  We have to really face each other, but we have to face ourselves as well.

The idea still really pulls at me, in small ways (order me to do things, tie me down and do what *you* want, ignore my pleasure) -  and in the big picture (take over me completely, remove my will, maybe this is where humiliation comes in).  The idea of of his discounting me as he knows me and replacing that with his vision - that has strong appeal.

Fantasy is just that - and i don't know the why's about it all: why do i have these fantasies, why do these themes grab me so forcefully?

I imagine a big part of it is that intimacy is so much harder:  it is more work, it's emotional, it requires a lot of investment, it is always appealing to relinquish responsibility in a world in which there is too much of that anyhow, i don't always like what i see when i face myself....

i wonder if i'm fooling myself

There's an underlying theme or current to my thinking lately.  Well - several really - but one feels important - the others are just annoying.

This past weekend, a seemingly small, seemingly very non-ttwd related thing made me realize part of what has had me somewhat bottled up lately.

We were at a sporting event, and a woman had her very brand new baby with her.  Baby was adorable and slept a good bit.  But baby also needed to be changed and nursed and tended to, all of which mom did without missing a beat.  This was not her first baby.

That's not the part that triggered any deep thoughts for me - I love my boys, but i am long past finished with the baby thing.

Her husband is what made me stop and think.

He told her exactly how and when and what to do: how to hold the baby, what angle to have her mouth to nurse, how long to feed her, what outfit to change her into, how to fix the diaper, when to burp her, on and on....  every detail.  And she did - whatever he said, she just stopped, changed gears and did what he said,  apologetically even.

My blood boiled, instantly; and i didn't know these people.  How dare he?  When did he last nurse a baby?  She wasn't having any difficulty, was managing easily on her own.  Why on earth would he be treating her like that?  Why did this not annoy the daylights out of her?  Why did she just go along?  

I had buckets of righteous indignation on her behalf.  And of course - nowhere at all to go with it.

I will never know what to make of this interaction: Was she walking on eggshells because there was something bigger going on in their lives?  Is that just how he is and it's easier to go along to get along?  Does she really lack confidence in this area and just puts on a good front when he's not around?  Does she appreciate the help?  Is this the type of relationship each of them really wants?  Does this type of direction and ultra- micro-management actually meet a larger need for her? For him? Is it intentional for them, or just a pattern worn into their relationship because it is the path of least resistance?  

After fighting back my indignation - i tried to turn it all around in my head.

Mostly I wondered about my visceral response to the whole thing.  I would never, could never...  tolerate it, put up with it, get myself to a place where i could respond reasonably or politely to being commanded that way, much less live like that.

And that's what hit me.  I really don't think i could.  I don't think i could submit to that. Even if it were in the context of my relationship and our agreement, i  found no part of it endearing, or even intriguing or enticing.  For me, there are things he pushes me on, things he wants to be a challenge for me, and this is a good thing for me.  But I couldn't even view this in that light.

So - what if he would want or need to for some reason start treating me this way?  What if he decided it was what i needed?  How would i respond, would i even be able to try to cope?  My gut says no.

So - am i really submissive?  Because my response in this case was incredibly non-submissive, in fact my feelings were anti-submissive.

I know that there are huge flaws in this kind of reasoning.  Taking hypotheticals to extremes doesn't really answer a question.

But it made me focus on the same feelings in my own context.  There are times that i have the same indignation, the same flare of anger and instinctive rebellion.  It's a different scale, and i'm learning to recognize it and at least suppress the expression of it - mostly.  In a non-D/s context - that makes our interactions smoother - waiting to respond rationally and even respectfully in spite of feeling anything but.

In a D/s context though, i wonder what makes me think i am submissive at all, if my first reaction to anything that pushes at my ego a bit is to push back.

it's about him

As someone pointed out to me recently - this whole journey is about communicating, which is to say- knowing ourselves and knowing each other.

We've been together far too long for either of us to be living under any delusions.  We are not googly eyed or swooning or seeing each other through rose colored glasses.  That's the thing with being honest, I see my own faults, and his, as does he.   But we see the genuine good too.

The structure we live now allows my husband to know me because i cant hide: he can push, and he can expect, he can dig.  It also allows me to know him better, not because i can ask or push, although i certainly can ask and  i do push,  and we do talk openly.  But he retains the right to say 'enough.'   Also though, in seeing the things he asks, where he pushes, where he doesn't want me to go, what he does or doesn't want of me, i get to know him better.   

Sometimes i forget though.  I shift the focus from him to his actions and wants.  Maybe even from him as my husband to him as A Dom,  not even necessarily my dom, just a dom.  It is intoxicating, the dominance thing.  I wonder if he finds submission, my submission, equally intoxicating.  I wonder if i really want the answer to that question.  

But i need to not lose focus.  It's not about the D/s,  it's abut him and me.  The D/s is background, structure, maybe the code that it is written in, but it isn't the product, it isn't the story, it isn't the goal and it isn't what i'm in love with or married to.  

parallel conversations

On a drive, with the whole family, through the part of town built by the industrial barons in the early part of the last century - the gorgeous old stone  mansions half hidden down the drive, beyond the pines and hardwoods....
Talking about what it might be like to live in one of those houses.....
Feeling a bit feisty and bold....

Me (dreamy, far away look in my eye):  We could build a dungeon

Husband (stern, 'be careful where you tread' look in his eye):  Oh yea ??

Boys in the back seat:  Ooh!  yea, cool! Could we?

One of the boys:  What would we put in it?

Husband:  Bad people.

Me: Implements of torture.

Boys:  ~ naming all sorts of medieval weapons ~

Husband (with a  distinct glint and sneer):  Your mom.


Boys:  Hmm... (serious consideration going on)  what could we tell the police when they come?

on the verge - or - wishful thinking

It seems to be a season or something - in my very limited corner of this world - blogs disappearing or taking breaks or bloggers at least contemplating such things.

I don't think it's just a case of catching what's going around - but i've had similar thoughts for a while now:  I'm boring, I'm bored, my life is all real life and no ttwd, we're here - where ever here is, the journey is over, nothing more to see, nothing more to learn, nothing more to write about...

The power, the control, the submission, and the kink seem to be fairly static these days.

They are there.  They fit and they work and they are comfortable.

But they are not new, exciting, challenging, thrilling...

So maybe i've confused an absence of angst, with ennui - funny that it has to feel hard to seem right.

Or maybe we're gathering strength for a growth spurt - like my teenagers do.

I have a lot of half baked thoughts started, but i can't seem to pin them down or make sense of them, and i really can't seem to see the big picture right now.

But you know the feeling you get when you know there's something you're getting set to figure out?  I've got that.

I started this blog with really very poorly defined goals - but the general idea was for me to have a way to let my husband know some of the things that were in my head that I couldn't just talk out with him.

He reads here - daily-  but only mentions anything to me if it really strikes him.

When i talked to him about feeling like i might want to end this, he asked me to reconsider.  He said he would like to continue to have this window into my head.

So i will continue; perhaps it will be of interest to no one but him, but hopefully it will help me sort out the ideas that seem to be lurking out of reach for right now.

there are no stupid questions....

......just a lot of really curious idiots

So, here's my (apparently) stupid question.

It started with a simple observation - one which i've made more than a few times before and for which i eventually ended up - not punished - cuz we don't do that - let's say - convinced and reassured of his view on the matter in a very concrete way

The more access he has to my body - my tits in particular - the sooner he will get bored with them - right?    There is a shelf life and the novelty will wear off and all that - yes?  Ergo - access should be limited?

Well - the answer apparently is NO.   To all of the above.  And i am to remember that.  So forget i mentioned it.

Fair enough.

But - what about all of me?  Not my body - that was explicitly included under the above mentioned reassurance episode.

But - what about all of me?  

If i am an open book, and there is no mystery, and i do my best to be as he wants, as complicated as that is...

When the limits have been pushed as far as reasonable and then some, and there is no more to push, no more challenge, and it is all just too easy....

When he knows me that well....

What then?????