it's about him

As someone pointed out to me recently - this whole journey is about communicating, which is to say- knowing ourselves and knowing each other.

We've been together far too long for either of us to be living under any delusions.  We are not googly eyed or swooning or seeing each other through rose colored glasses.  That's the thing with being honest, I see my own faults, and his, as does he.   But we see the genuine good too.

The structure we live now allows my husband to know me because i cant hide: he can push, and he can expect, he can dig.  It also allows me to know him better, not because i can ask or push, although i certainly can ask and  i do push,  and we do talk openly.  But he retains the right to say 'enough.'   Also though, in seeing the things he asks, where he pushes, where he doesn't want me to go, what he does or doesn't want of me, i get to know him better.   

Sometimes i forget though.  I shift the focus from him to his actions and wants.  Maybe even from him as my husband to him as A Dom,  not even necessarily my dom, just a dom.  It is intoxicating, the dominance thing.  I wonder if he finds submission, my submission, equally intoxicating.  I wonder if i really want the answer to that question.  

But i need to not lose focus.  It's not about the D/s,  it's abut him and me.  The D/s is background, structure, maybe the code that it is written in, but it isn't the product, it isn't the story, it isn't the goal and it isn't what i'm in love with or married to.