Tuesday, September 13, 2011

it's about him

As someone pointed out to me recently - this whole journey is about communicating, which is to say- knowing ourselves and knowing each other.

We've been together far too long for either of us to be living under any delusions.  We are not googly eyed or swooning or seeing each other through rose colored glasses.  That's the thing with being honest, I see my own faults, and his, as does he.   But we see the genuine good too.

The structure we live now allows my husband to know me because i cant hide: he can push, and he can expect, he can dig.  It also allows me to know him better, not because i can ask or push, although i certainly can ask and  i do push,  and we do talk openly.  But he retains the right to say 'enough.'   Also though, in seeing the things he asks, where he pushes, where he doesn't want me to go, what he does or doesn't want of me, i get to know him better.   

Sometimes i forget though.  I shift the focus from him to his actions and wants.  Maybe even from him as my husband to him as A Dom,  not even necessarily my dom, just a dom.  It is intoxicating, the dominance thing.  I wonder if he finds submission, my submission, equally intoxicating.  I wonder if i really want the answer to that question.  

But i need to not lose focus.  It's not about the D/s,  it's abut him and me.  The D/s is background, structure, maybe the code that it is written in, but it isn't the product, it isn't the story, it isn't the goal and it isn't what i'm in love with or married to.  


  1. Very well said! Ultimately it is all about the two of you as two people together. D/s just happens to be an aspect that is carried out within the relationship. It's not D/s that happens to involve two people, but two people that happen to have D/s. The two of you and your relationship is the foundation and basis of it all. Without that, nothing else matters...regardless of the dynamic that plays out between the two of you.


  2. DV Sir,
    I knew this before- but didn't really know it, if that make sense. Thank you.

    Sir J,
    Thank you.

    Funny how some things take me a long time to really understand.

  3. This is a good reminder. Thanks for sharing. Right now my husband and I are in a place where we have not had much Dd of any kind going on. Many starts and stops. One good stretch where it felt like it was working the way it should. I still want it all -- his dominance, authority, control -- not allowing me to be disrespectful, etc.

    He feels so overwhelmed with things right now (house addition and renovation), his physically-demanding job, and the constant attention and supervision that is required (from both parents) when raising (3) special-needs children.

    I got tired of reminding/and/or/asking him about maintenance spankings and his not responding or dealing with some things that need to be dealt with -- namely me. And I know it's not supposed to come from me, anyway -- that's me trying to control everything -- well, sort of -- all I want is for him to be consistent.

    Feeling sad and disappointed right now. Any suggestions? We've talked and talked, but it's up to him and I've stepped back. I have told him how I feel, so I guess it's wait-and-see.

    I just discovered your blog the other day, and I really enjoy it. I've been going through your older posts to catch up.