My husband has at times asked me to tell him some of my fantasies. Sounds simple right - sounds like what all married couples do, or should do. But it has come up a few times and i have always balked until it gets dropped.
This is a really, really hard topic for me. Frankly i think i'm defective. My brain, my imagination, my sub-conscious - whatever it is - just doesn't work right.
I am analytical, a problem solver, all about form and function. I am not imaginative or artistic or most anything typically associated with being female.
What there has been for me, in my head, when i let my mind wander to the things that arouse and excite hasn't been something i could write out or tell. There is no scene, no back story, no scenario, no predicament per se - no people - no person - not even a gender.
It has been about what i feel, sense, experience and it has been extremely ill defined. Or rather, the types of things i feel and sense and the mental state i am put into is the fantasy - that is defined - but that is all there is. In my mind i can feel the exposure, the edge of fear, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the desire to get away and the knowlege that i can't....
Trying to give this enough shape and substance to articulate it is what led to my previous post.
And writing that post, and re-reading it made me see that it is a fairly dark thing; a desire to annihilate myself for someone else. I think this took my husband aback some. I know it made me stop and think.
I don't actually want to lose myself, i don't really want to be unattached and disconnected and lost. What i wrote about, the impression of my fantasy, was that it would consume all parts of my life, all of me; but fantasies aren't meant to be reality.
Apparently there are aspect to me that i hadn't realized, and which are still not very clear. Maybe this has implications for everyday life. Maybe it is better explored in a more limited context, or not at all. That is all up to him.