Thursday, September 29, 2011

My husband has at times asked me to tell him some of my fantasies. Sounds simple right - sounds like what all married couples do, or should do.  But it has come up a few times and i have always balked until it gets dropped.

This is a really, really hard topic for me.  Frankly i think i'm defective. My brain, my imagination, my sub-conscious - whatever it is - just doesn't work right.

I am analytical, a problem solver, all about form and function.  I am not imaginative or artistic or most anything typically associated with being female.

What there has been for me, in my head, when i let my mind wander to the things that arouse and excite hasn't been something i could write out or tell.  There is no scene, no back story, no scenario, no predicament per se - no people - no person - not even  a gender.

It has been about what i feel, sense, experience and it has been extremely ill defined.  Or rather, the types of things i feel and sense and the mental state i am put into is the fantasy - that is defined - but that is all there is.  In my mind i can feel the exposure, the edge of fear, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the desire to get away and the knowlege that i can't....

Trying to give this enough shape and substance to articulate it is what led to my previous post.

And writing that post, and re-reading it made me see that it is a fairly dark thing; a desire to annihilate myself for someone else.  I think this took my husband aback some.  I know it made me stop and think.

I don't actually want  to lose myself, i don't really want to be unattached and disconnected and lost.  What i wrote about, the impression of my fantasy, was that it would consume all parts of my life, all of me; but fantasies aren't meant to be reality.

Apparently there are aspect to me that i hadn't realized, and which are still not very clear. Maybe this has implications for everyday life.  Maybe it is better explored in a more limited context, or not at all.  That is all up to him.


  1. Maybe that is your answer, the feelings you talked about... exposure, fear, vulnerability... and then finding out what it is that makes you feel that way.
    Brad has asked me the same question as I find it impossible to answer. I'd much rather say "see this story... I like that". That would be so much easier.

  2. It's possible that instead of some deep, disturbed meaning there, you are just so left brained that you can't easily access that less verbal/concrete part of your brain.

    As a severly right brained individual, I sometimes have trouble adequately verbalising what is going on inside, not because I can't see it but because the two hemispheres of my brain don't always cross process smoothly..

  3. It is disconcerting to be surprised like that by our own pysches. Especially when what we realize is something not only unlike our image of ourselves but actually crosses over into something we never really want to be.

    Kind of makes you glad that we're not responsible for what we think, only for what we do, doesn't it?

  4. Ally,
    I think you're right. These two were all about trying to explain it to him, hopefully this is a starting point.

    That's a great way to put it - i am severely left brained. So maybe it's not a defect, just really frustrating sometimes.

    I know people analyze these things to death, and that i'm so not alone, and it doesn't indicate what i am as a whole person... And yes, being held accountable for my thoughts - wow!

  5. It sounds like your fantasies could be more expressed in art, like a painting or a sculpture, rather than words.

    Love the new look on your blog! Beautiful waterfall.