Wednesday, October 5, 2011

reality is pretty damn good too

I may not be able to spell out specifics for my fantasies - but two main elements are always there:  the edge of anxiety, the nerves for the unknown and impending; and the disconnectedness.

I think one reason D/s works, or maybe it's just a very happy side effect, at least in the realm of sex, is that it re-introduces that level of on-edge, the butterflies and anticipation that get lost over years of being together.  Kneeling in bed, naked, my back to the door, waiting, hearing him approach, jumping when he finally touches me... There is so much more to it than there was before, I am so much more there, my whole body listens for him.  D/s brings this element of fantasy to reality.

On the other hand, I don't want disconnectedness in my real life.  I miss my husband when he's away, and even more so when we are together but pulled by life in other directions.  I anticipate the times we are able to come back together.  Things change.  My body becomes hyper-aware, sensitized, focused on it's emptiness.  My being becomes lighter, calmer, easier.
Last night he was coming home, but very late.  Through the day there were plans hinted at, tasks assigned, and pictures requested.  The boys went to bed as usual and I waited.  10 minutes after he texted to say he had landed, boy # 1 woke up, wide awake.  This never happens.  My guys sleep! 

So i texted to tell him the boy was up and worked very hard not to give into the disappointment.  I can be a touch pouty and unpleasant when disappointed, it doesn't usually lead to good feelings on either side.

He apparently changed his plans on the go.  I was told to wait on the bed.  He found ways to get me where he wanted me without the noise: he put the leather collar on me and the clamps, he opened me and filled all the emptiness and pushed to the point of pain.  He manipulated and abused me, and in the middle of it all, he whispered in my ear, "You are all mine."

By the end i was trembling and shaking and not thinking on my own.  I was entirely focused on him, could only act if he instructed.  I crawled up the bed and into him.  I couldn't get close enough.  He surrounded me and we drifted off.

I wouldn't trade that feeling for any fantasy, ever!


  1. Lovely!
    Reality can be so much better than the fantasy precisely because that's what it is--reality.
    And it sounds like your reality would make a pretty damn good fantasy.

    P.S I like the new look of your blog. Especially the picture of the road.

  2. I like the new look too. Very pretty.

    Your reality IS a wonderful reality. I don't respond well to disappointment either. I'm working on it.

  3. I love the new blog look :)
    I totally agree with what you said about how D/s brings back the butterflies and the excitement.
    Glad your reality turned out so well last night!

  4. I have to agree with Lil... your reality makes for others great fantasy!!*wink*

    I stumbled onto your blog... very nice... think I might stay and have a Diet Coke! Thanks for sharing!

  5. Well, hell, why would you???

    I am all giddy for you.

  6. lil,
    thank you. i am pretty content these days. I felt like it was time to redo the blog a bit - and had kind of a life is a journey thing in my head.

    Thanks. The disappointment thing is a hard one for me to cope with. I just keep trying.

    thanks. It was a nice evening.

    Welcome. Make yourself at home.

    Good point. And thanks.