Thursday, October 20, 2011

different way of seeing the same thing

I've had disagreements with people over what goes on inside people's heads.  I can ask my husband and one of my sons at any given moment what they are thinking about and they may have an answer or they may reply, "nothing." I contend it is humanly impossible to be thinking about nothing at all in any waking moment.  This has led to some serious hard feelings because i assume they must be lying, and they of course don't appreciate this assumption.

My other son is very much like me - there is no time that there is not a constant stream of thought, often several at once, running through his head. It is very noisy in there.  And as littlemonkey points out, it is extremely hard to hear oneself really think, hard to form the important thoughts, with all the chatter.

Needless to say, inside my head, a good deal of  the conversation has had to do with my relationship with my husband, with learning how to relate to each other in a whole new way.  But also, in questioning why or how, in wondering if this or that was right or good or not, and in worrying, oh the worrying.  I found in the very beginning that blogging - the act of writing my thoughts in a (hopefully) coherent way helped organize the background noise a bit.  It allowed me to hear and examine certain trains of thought.  It still does.

I don't know if there are important thoughts i should be having- as much as i feel like sometimes i just need to stop the ones i have.  Because there is a portion of the background chatter that is doubt.

If i stop worrying about our dynamic - will it come to a grinding halt?  If i take my eye off the ball, will he drop it?

And yes, this does seem like a lack of trust, or seen another way - my holding onto control.  Which of course worries me and creates a whole new bunch of chatter in my head.

Is there a point at which i am supposed to be able to stop thinking about it all?  Either just stop, or am i missing the part where i am supposed to turn it all over to him?  Honestly, i dont think that would be what he would want; he has no interest at all in me checking out mentally from anything - unless he tells me to - he is in fact very much opposed to that.  So i guess i just answered my own question,  but i also know that he would not want me obsessing about things this way.  He would say to just stop thinking and do.

I talked to him about this: about the fact that i still hold onto some doubt - or lack of trust.   I worry that if i let myself let go and give up the mental vigilance about us, that it will poof away or at least stagnate and die a slow death.  I expected him to be disappointed, or frustrated with me.  To tell me to stop thinking that way.

He said he likes that i think about our relationship, that i want to pay attention to it and not let it backslide, that i want to keep improving it.   He doesn't feel it as a lack of trust in him or an attempt to maintain control.

I have no idea if this is just a nice spin he has put on it, or whether the worry about lack of trust and holding onto control is really only in my head (what are the odds?) and not at all how he sees it.  It's a smart move on his part though.  Telling me not to feel that way or not to worry about it would never work.  Telling me he wants me to be concerned and actively involved in our relationship means it is impossible for me to worry about whether i should stop thinking certain ways.


  1. Gosh, it's almost like he gets you, huh?

    Some of us can no more stop thinking than we can breathing. To me, thinking is absolutely unrestricted. It's just the what we do with it that might need adjustment...

  2. i'm convinced that men can actually think about nothing. How else do you explain fishing?

    The fact that you can talk to him about a perceived lack of trust says to me that you do, in fact, trust him. Weird, i know, but that's how it feels.


  3. That is a smart move. You can just relax and know with all your "wondering" that you are pleasing your Husband.

  4. Jz,
    Well - yea - there is that. I do think it's interesting, the idea of shutting off inside my head.

    OOh - i hadn't thought about fishing, good point. And yea - i do trust him, clearly, this seems to be another case of the problem being in my head, not in reality.

    That's brilliant - thanks.

    He is a smart one - if he ever decided to go down the route of playing mind games - i'm in trouble.

  5. I have no idea how they do it.. but I am convinced that they really can have no thoughts an any given moment! LOL

    I was the one that brought Dd to our marriage, and my "hobby" is reading and commenting and writing my blog about the same. I know he is ok with my hobby because it helps us and he doesn't have to do anything! LOL

  6. Mikki,
    I don't understand how that can be either, but a lot of people have assured me it is (oddly - all men).

    I also brought ttwd to our marriage and that sounds like my husbands view sometimes also. Thanks