Friday, December 16, 2011

fine, good

Sometimes it's the simplest things i really just can't manage.  I mean really simple.

When he asks how my day was - i turn to one word answers - "fine, good"  - and then try like heck to change the subject: get him to talk about his day, whatever is coming up we need to plan out, pretty much anything else.

I could say i have no idea why i can't answer properly - except that my reluctance to talk about specifics of my day is always accompanied by a bristly feeling inside and an unspoken, "why do you want to know?"  This is true no matter if i've had a good day, a trying day, or a day that i felt like i failed at things all over the place.

I can say - i think i've always felt this way to some degree.  And i don't know why i should be so defensive abotu such a simple thing.


  1. and here I am, wishing BG would actually *ask* once in a while...

    we are never satisfied, are we?

  2. Maybe you feel he is asking because he feels he ought to rather than a genuine wish to know, or at the wrong time when your mind is on other things. I understand exactly how you feel - though it is hard to work out why we sometimes react this way. Alice

  3. For me that question might get me insecure, like my day wasn't "productive" enough or happy enough or whatever enough. Like if He ac-tu-a-lly saw my day, he would realize I'm dull, weird and far from sexy. So i go with *fine, good*...too. hm, worth some thought- thanks. Of course you may do it for totally different reasons.

  4. Having known Daddy-O for like a million years ;-), gotta say that mouse totally gets this. There's something about that familiarity that brings up those feelings....

    Of course, mouse is super bad at small talk. Now if he mentions the weather or something else, mouse will chat up a storm -- depending on her overall mood, but the question about how was your day...the only good answer mouse EVER has is, just like yours, "fine, good."

    Maybe it goes back to childhood? As mouse was reflecting, there were times family members would ask mouse about her day at school...when mouse was excited about something it was often met with some sort of ridicule. Or something that happened was inappropriate to share with family.

    Anyway, the "fine, good," has been around for a long time!


  5. GG, I know when I was a teenager and one of my parents asked this it felt like such a burden (and intrusion) to have to come up with the details of my day, and usually they were interupting something I was doing. I don't mind when B asks, but like you I usually give the same short answers, it was fine or ok. Usually bc it's not really worth describing in detail.

  6. Maybe during the day when you experience something good or bad you could make mental note that this is something you might share with him at the end of the day. Possibly even visualize doing it. Then when you find yourself saying "Fine" you can add, "Well actually, it was better than fine because ...."

  7. me too!!

    Master's life because of his work and day is just so much more interesting than mine , at least in my mind.

    I do believe he genuinely wants to know how my day was, just not sure I will ever get past the fine/good response.


  8. Taking off my Dom hat and speaking solely as a husband, generally when I ask this question it's because I feel like having a conversation but don't have any earth-shattering topic to bring up. It's a kind of an opening gambit--the pawn-to-kings-four of a discussion, you know? At least for me, there's no hidden agenda or power dynamic going on. I'm just wondering what of interest happened during my wife's day.

    That being said, she's been know to bristle upon occasion when I ask as well...

  9. i like being asked. But i often do the "fine, good" thing to, and quickly ask about their day, particularly if i know specifics to ask about. "Fine, good, did youall end up going out to lunch at that new place?"

    i think i'm not sure they really want to know. i often have fairly eventful days, and often don't mention any of it.

    That is weird, isn't it? You bring up the most interesting things, Gg. Thanks.


  10. I usually say "fine good" too because I don't think people really care about how I am, that they just say "how was your day?" to be polite, almost like people say "please" and "thank you". I don't trust people so this has obviously something to do with it.

    I grew up in a dysfunctional home and denial was just part and parcel of our lives. Not intentionally, you understand but just as a coping mechanism. It's just easier at the time in certain situations to pretend to be okay and soldier on because you know that no one will really help you and that its up to you ultimately.

    Hope this isn't too depressing but this post struck such a chord with me. Telling someone how you really are, for me anyways, requires such trust and I end up feeling vulnerable, never think its worth it.

    hope you don't mind that I'm anonymous btw!:)

  11. I had figured i was fairly alone in feeling this way - well - me and all the angsty teenagers out there being rude to their parents. I guess not so much - you have all given me things to think about and look at for why i feel this way. Thanks.

    That part is true - always something to complain about - perhaps i should take a clue from that. Thanks.

    The times i have the most difficulty with it are when he calls from out of town - and yes - quite often it does interrupt whatever i am doing - i have so much trouble with that and really need to figure out how to stop.

    Absolutely - that is also part of it - i feel i need to defend my use of my time or what i did and that i just wasn't good enough. For me it's not a too weird or not sexy thing - he knows me too well for that. But it is a matter of being productive or doing things "right."

    "Daddy-O" - ok - i can't not think of west side story with that one (take it slow- daddyo). I think you're right - there is some element of feeling that whatever we say isn't really going to be valued. That's me, not what he's saying - but the comments here i think are evidence it's a pretty common feeling. Funny how something so simple can be so telling.

    It is funny that i do the same thing as my teens - not quite as surly - but the same thing. And i think those are two parts of the reason too.

    That's a really good suggestion - thanks. Would make me more attentive to the good things that happen to me each day as well.

    it's funny - because i'm convinced his day is more interesting than mine - and he has told me he thinks mine are more interesting.

    Mo husband (no Dom hat at that moment either) told me he often just wants to hear my voice and that's why he asks. That may be the biggest motivator for me to come up with something to say. Both husbandly and Domly i think.

  12. Aisha,
    It has completely surprised me how many women have said the same thing here. I really thought it was a fault/quirk of my own.

    I should know that my husband doesn't ask if he doesn't want an answer - for some reason i miss that step in the logic though. Probably safer int eh end to assume they ask what they really want to know.

    I don't mind the anon - i understand the cross listing issues. I understand the coping and putting on a face - I do. And i think there are lots of people who ask out of just rote habit - not really wanting an honest answer. I also know that isn't the case here. But yea - it is such an unexpected thing to have exposed this kind of vulnerability - or fear of being vulnerable.

  13. occasionally He'll ask at an inorportune moment, but I love sharing my day. He's the one person that is actually interested in the little things that I mentally bookmark throughout the day - the nice lady who helped me pick up my spilt shopping, or the car that stole my parking space, or the hawk on the duel carridge way etc etc

    what's even nicer, is that it's a two way thing. He has little things to tell me too. It's a bit like two children emptying their pockets and sharing the treasures they've found that day... a shell, some string, etc!

  14. @mamacrow ~

    i was back here reading comments and have to tell you how much i like your sentence:

    "It's a bit like two children emptying their pockets and sharing the treasures they've found that day... a shell, some string, etc!"

    I LOVE that image. And i can actually picture Sir X and me having the kind of relationship where we'd be comfortable doing that.

    How cool. Thanks!


    If i've learned anything as a therapist it's that if i feel a certain way, guaranteed a bunch of other people do too. Yeah, it still surprises me sometimes when i rediscover it, but at least in my head i know it's always true.


  15. i wish my wife would ask and really be curious, but if she does, it's more a matter of rote than true caring...

    so to deflect that "defeated" feeling, i ask her how her day was and she never stops talking...

    *big sigh*


  16. mamacrow,
    That is a beautiful image. I get that sense every once in awhile - but most often not. I think it would be a good idea for me to work on responding differently to him and see if that doesn't change my internal reactions over time. What you describe sounds so much better, worth working for. Thanks.

    you would think i would learn this too.

    I have a friend like that - it is easier most of the time to just let her go on - but it is also so deflating - it chips away at the foundation of the friendship - i can only imagine how that would feel in a marriage. I know my husband wants to know when he asks. he sometimes manages to have really bad timing - but overall - the blocks are my own problems.

  17. Good topic thank you. . I too struggle with too simple, I love the comments also BTW.
    When Master asks. . he really does want to know. . Not being used to anyone who actually cared it was easy to give and OK/fine response because, they were being "nice" by asking but didn't really care. I think I need to work on an essay on this topic at our own blog!!
    You are an inspiration, Thanks you. . .We will be following you!

  18. Serafina,
    Thank you. I hadn't ever run across your blog before - i like it, so i'm very glad you commented.

  19. Super late to the party, just discovered your blog and reading, actually devouring it chronologically lol. We are just starting on our journey and there are a lot of missteps and miscommunications and questioning and doubting and and and...In iny case, I, too, use good and fine, and he calls me on it. I am usually feeling insecure and hurt and doubting when I close myself off and monosyllabically reply. I feel a lot of how Anonymous feels when I'm asked as well. He has decided that "Fine" is actually an acronym for Frustrated Insecure Neurotic and Emotionally unstable lol. He may be right sometimes. It's all such an amazing dynamic but as when you started,the highs are higher but the lows are lower. Sorry to ramble. Just wanted to comment and say Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm hoping to start a blog myself to sort things out when things get a little more stable.

  20. cricket,
    welcome. i think i do that too - i answer fine - hoping we can move along and not talk about what is really bothering me. And my husband pushes me on this one too - guess i never was fooling anyone. I look forward to reading your blog.