We've had a really nice holiday break so far, and at the same time, a fairly difficult one.
There are those people in life who've had so much trouble come their way, whose lives are so unrelentingly and grindingly difficult, that i really think God owes them another go around, with nothing but sunshine and daisies and happiness and light - just to make up for this lifetime. This is my family, who I love deeply, and who we visited with over the holiday. I want to help - i have spent my life trying to help - but it is all un-helpable. There is no way out. So visiting is both very good, and very, very hard.
Sometimes i can negotiate the minefields of being with them well, other times not so well. Sometimes i can resist the screwed up dynamics and behave the way i intend to and want to be. Other times i fail and i get sucked in and act in screwed up ways myself. Sometimes, often, i feel trapped between my family, my husband and children, and my family, my parents and siblings. This was one of those times: i tried to walk the line, but i failed.
I failed to respect and trust my husband, and i upset and hurt him terribly. And i feel awful that i hurt him this way. But, at the same time, i am entirely unsure how to have handled things differently. And i can't say i won't make the same mistake again, not because i would choose to hurt him, but i don't know if i will always be able to find the line that gracefully satisfies everyone. Or, if that option doesn't exist, i don't know if i can overcome a lifetime of being the peacemaker within my family.
It has taken, is taking, my husband some time to feel better, get past it, be back to normal...which is just really unusual for him. And i both understand this, and don't understand it. I know he's human and that he is hurt and angered like anyone else. I don't understand the magnitude, but i don't resent it or feel he is being unfair; i do wonder what more is behind it. It leaves me feeling lost, shut out, and very unsure of myself.
And it all leaves me feeling a number of things at once about ttwd: Are the lows worth the highs? Or is a more mundane middle ground better? I can choose to follow him when the cost is easy, but can i actually do it when the cost is higher? Do i need to be careful and not make him regret his choice to work this way - is it too hard for him? Is it worth it to him? Can i really find the balance between being myself and being His? Is this truly an either-or?