Tuesday, December 13, 2011

lots of things that may or may not make sense

I've been able to manage only bullet points for thoughts lately - somewhere in there are important things - i think..

Sex -it just does not cease to amaze me how much sex has come to mean - come to be part of our lives - our thoughts - our connection to each other, part of our language for each other.  It's wound through everything else - not off separate or sequestered - and how ok that is.  How i can feel and think about sex and him and it is really right and good.  How he can use that for me or against me (which is really for me).  How is it that this was not always the case?

Active submission - he would like that of me, in fact, he insists on it.  I can and in fact need to just tell him how i feel.  If i am unclear - or don't understand - i should ask.  If i am feeling needy - i should tell him or at least show him - not wait - wait for him as the all knowing, magic guy-in-charge to just "know."   i should cuddle up, sit at his feet, rub a bit, make some overtures, something...  He's getting tired of me heading off a cliff over things he didn't know were brewing.  And - yes - it still counts as submitting even if i initiate it - he'll let me know if he wants whatever it is or not.

I sometimes write things here that are probably quite uninteresting to most people.   My intent in starting to blog a few yrs ago was to be able to express things to my husband that i couldn't quite manage face to face.   I've gotten much better at telling him things outright, but i still find it very useful for hashing out ideas that i can't quite untangle in my head.  And i've come to treasure the connections and feedback and perspectives from all of you the blog has allowed.   Many of the posts my husband appreciates the most are the ones least interesting to anyone else. My previous post was one of those - not terribly interesting to anyone but him.  But it led him to explain to me exactly why he won't play mind games as any part of our dynamic: he is *ALL* about honesty, transparency, and openness between us, first and foremost.  I knew that - but hadn't made the connection.  It took me - well - a very long time to wonder the question - he had his answer to it ages ago.


  1. Well, I for one find every one of your posts intelligent and interesting. I feel badly that I've just been reading from my Google reader (and enjoying greatly what I read) b/c I had not been able to post a comment here no matter what I tried.
    I'm happy to be back and tell you, you always have me thinking and pondering. I have to leave my computer b/c I need to focus. There's just so much here.
    Sex, yes, it's that way with us too. I don't write too much on the topic b/c we started spanking for erotic reasons. We just haven't struggled in that area. I do find some interesting tidbits here and there though. (blush)
    It's funny that you say your husband doesn't like head games. It sounded to me that he did, at least it did in some of your posts past. I think there are different kinds of head games though. Maybe those not games,per se, but he does get inside your head, no?

  2. I think it makes perfect sense. Both of those points really seem to be at the core of all this. For us the blogging serves the same function. It has become an important communication tool for us.

  3. Love the term active submission! :-)


  4. Catchy title! And for once I am not exhibiting sarcasm. Promise.

    It's interesting what you said about the posts he appreciates the most being the ones that don't seem terribly interesting to anyone else--because sometimes the posts I write that are the most profound thoughts and events for me are the ones that seem the least interesting to others.

  5. Like Elysia, I haven't found any of your posts uninteresting yet. In fact, I usually read, go away to ponder, and come back later to comment.

    I like the way your husband sounds. Very solid, very sure of what he wants. There's a lot to be said for that.

    That AND wanting honesty, openness, and transparency ~ i think he's a treasure.


  6. Elysia,
    Thank you - that is kind of you to say. I had fits with commenting for awhile too and finally gave in and changed browsers. Interesting what you say about my husband playing headgames - i had to think about that. And i do think you're right. In some ways he does - and i suppose i had gotten so accustomed to it that i didn't recognize it. Funny - isn't it?

    Seems so simple written down here - not sure why it took me over two yrs to figure out... Makes me wonder what other simple things i'm missing.

    I obviously didn't coin the term - but i'm being encouraged to get on board with the concept :)

    Thanks - i have been going so many directions that i can't seem to get focused enough for complete thoughts. i think the posts that have the most meaning for us are hard for others to relate to - at least for me - they are so tied up in the very personal context of us - and as much as i try to write - there's still a lot of "us" that isn't clear to everyone else. Still important to write it out though.

    Thank you. I seem to myself to have more questions than answers most of the time - guess the name of the blog still fits. The openness between us i think is the thing he most values, the selling point for the lifestyle for him maybe.

  7. Yep, gg, you always leave me thinking, but sometimes it does feel like I am commenting on a very private train of thought. But that's ok. I always appreciate you letting us in! Your blog is and should be for you.

    Active submission...makes all the sense in the world to me, and isn't that about us being grown-up women and taking responsibility for ourselves and our part of our relationships with our husbands? Not always easy, never perfect in my world, but worth working towards. Sara

  8. Sara,
    Thank you. It is often fairly private, yet not. I think it's interesting where i find myself drawing the lines - not much logic to it at all. And you're right about being a grown woman, being responsible also - i think that is exactly my husband's POV.

  9. GG,

    I'm LOLing. You do realize that it took you a long time to wonder the question and he had his answer ages ago because you work it around from every conceivable angle and he just looks at the facts and decides, right?

    For what it's worth, I love your post topics. When you post something that I can't see the dificulty in, I read it twice because it's likely one of my Ladies will be thinking the same thing you are but hasn't worked out how to say it yet. Thanks for that help.

  10. MC,
    I did realize that - that he decides and sometimes is confident that what he sees as the right answer up front is it. And thank you Sir - i am glad if it helps.