Saturday, December 3, 2011


Dontcha just hate it when you're too busy trying to keep up with life to stop and contemplate the meaning of it all??  Or heaven forbid, write about it????

This past week started off with me feeling like i had a handle on the various chunks of my to do list.  Then things slowly got moved and changed and mostly added to and overall pressurized.

My husband was away but he helped where he could.  One evening he told me to put on my leather collar before i went to bed and to wear it to sleep, something intended to make me stop and think about him and put aside the other stresses so i could sleep.  I was happy when he told me to do this and even looking forward to bedtime.  But the work i had to do took a long time and it was quite late when i finished and stumbled off to bed.  And i forgot the task - completely and totally forgot.

I was awoken early the next morning by his text asking where was his picture - my way of reporting that i had done what he asked.  It took me a few minutes to even figure out what picture he wanted - i had so completely forgotten what he had asked me to do.

And once i remembered the worst feeling came over me.

I forget to do things every once in awhile - sometimes i forget to move the laundry to the dryer before bedtime, or to run an errand during the week he has asked me to, things like that.  I may be bummed, but i move on pretty quickly, as in, i don't give it a second thought.

Forgetting to do this thing he had asked is different.  It wasn't an errand that i can just take care of tomorrow. It was something he had wanted me to do so that i could sleep, and so i could help re-prioritize my stresses, and so i could be able to focus on him and on our family more, while he was gone and once he got home.

Forgetting the dry cleaning - even if it means he doesn't have the suit he wants for tomorrow's trip, adn even if i am disappointed in myself in a "proportionate to the crime" sort of way - doesn't merit a punishment - or even a rebuke.  We are adults - plain and simple.

But this is different.  For one thing - this is a "between us" thing.  It was for my own good in the first place, and an absolute command - not an, "If you get the chance."  His being able to influence me at all, and particularly from 1000 miles away, depends on my doing what he asks.  And i want to do things this way; it really is so much better for me and for us this way.

For this, i think there will be a punishment.  I don't know what kind, likely very subtle but meaningful and which gets his point across.  And i find myself anxious to be able to make this up to him.


  1. I often find memory to be my biggest enemy! I have all these good intentions...And they end up paving the road to hell for me.
    That sense of disappointing/disappointment is brutal.

  2. I hate to say "I hope you get punished" but it really can be quite therapudic in a situation like this. It's much easier to cope with than the guilt.

  3. Do you notice that we NEED to be punished sometimes? It's like penance or absolution. Of course that means nothing without trying to do better. It's just that when Omega corrects mouse, she has this deep burning desire to make it right. Without correction or punishment, she doesn't get that and the feelings multiply on her.

    Anyway., just sending hugs..


  4. I hate this kind of mistake ~ you can't really go back and undo it or make up for it. It does make punishment feel right, just to release some guilt and ~ I don't know ~ act like a reset button?

    Hope the punishment is swift, merciful, and effective!



  5. lil,
    i don't usually forget the big things like this - he doesn't really give me much to do or remember. And yea - i was pretty mad at myself. But - i will pay more attention from now on.

    Our dynamic is - i dunno - different - hybrid - there isn't a lot of punishment - but in this case- i do want a chance to set things right.

    i do get what you're saying - there isn't a lot between us that falls into this kind of category - but this does.

    it feels odd for me to think of him as being merciful - the implication is that he sometimes isn't - which isn't right...but - on the other hand - in this case - to do soemthign to allow me to move ahead - would be merciful.