waiting

Dontcha just hate it when you're too busy trying to keep up with life to stop and contemplate the meaning of it all??  Or heaven forbid, write about it????

This past week started off with me feeling like i had a handle on the various chunks of my to do list.  Then things slowly got moved and changed and mostly added to and overall pressurized.

My husband was away but he helped where he could.  One evening he told me to put on my leather collar before i went to bed and to wear it to sleep, something intended to make me stop and think about him and put aside the other stresses so i could sleep.  I was happy when he told me to do this and even looking forward to bedtime.  But the work i had to do took a long time and it was quite late when i finished and stumbled off to bed.  And i forgot the task - completely and totally forgot.

I was awoken early the next morning by his text asking where was his picture - my way of reporting that i had done what he asked.  It took me a few minutes to even figure out what picture he wanted - i had so completely forgotten what he had asked me to do.

And once i remembered the worst feeling came over me.

I forget to do things every once in awhile - sometimes i forget to move the laundry to the dryer before bedtime, or to run an errand during the week he has asked me to, things like that.  I may be bummed, but i move on pretty quickly, as in, i don't give it a second thought.

Forgetting to do this thing he had asked is different.  It wasn't an errand that i can just take care of tomorrow. It was something he had wanted me to do so that i could sleep, and so i could help re-prioritize my stresses, and so i could be able to focus on him and on our family more, while he was gone and once he got home.

Forgetting the dry cleaning - even if it means he doesn't have the suit he wants for tomorrow's trip, adn even if i am disappointed in myself in a "proportionate to the crime" sort of way - doesn't merit a punishment - or even a rebuke.  We are adults - plain and simple.

But this is different.  For one thing - this is a "between us" thing.  It was for my own good in the first place, and an absolute command - not an, "If you get the chance."  His being able to influence me at all, and particularly from 1000 miles away, depends on my doing what he asks.  And i want to do things this way; it really is so much better for me and for us this way.

For this, i think there will be a punishment.  I don't know what kind, likely very subtle but meaningful and which gets his point across.  And i find myself anxious to be able to make this up to him.