Saturday, February 11, 2012

the "I" states

I had a friend in college once who could never remember where i was from.  She called the midwest the "I" states - as in - 'Oh yea - you're from one of those "I" states'.  Never mind that many don't actually start with "I", I think there just had to be an "I" sound somewhere in the name.  But yes - I was and am from one of "those" states.

I know - it's all about the journey, not the destination: ttwd, life, love, all of it...

But I can tell you,  as someone who routinely makes long car trips across the middle of the mid-west (also called fly-over country), that there are parts of some trips in which the scenery can be less than captivating.
Sure, the journey sometimes affords an opportunity to talk with your kids (captive audience), talk with your spouse (but nothing too intimate - remember the kids in the back), torture the kids with mom and dad music, sleep, or read a whole novel out loud.  All worthwhile, necessary sometimes, often even enjoyable activities.  But you still wouldn't traverse multiple "I" states in the winter just for the fun of the journey.

In those times - the promise of the destination is often what makes the trip bearable.  The destination is in fact why you started out and undertook the journey in the first place.

I don't approach life as having a destination.  I haven't had a plan for where my life was headed, didn't have my husband/wedding/kids planned by the age of 9, don't have my ideal career path mapped out, don't have any specific vision when i dream about retirement.  I tend to make each choice as I approach each crossroads.  But certainly many people do it differently from me: they set goals, lay out a plan of action, work on the plan, and know exactly when they have arrived (even if they don't know what to do once they get there.)

On the other hand, it's hard for me to imagine a way to approach love as a destination.  How would you figure out what the final or absolute love looked like, or how to get there?  How would you know if you were still on the path. Sure - some roads definitely don't lead there, and there are times it's pretty clear you've strayed way off the path.  But really - love is the path, not the endpoint.  Or maybe - love isn't related to the path or the endpoint at all.  Maybe love just is.  It can accompany you where ever you go, what ever other paths you take.

So TTWD must fall somewhere in between.  In life, i understand that some people can point to the brass ring and say that is their destination.  I can't look at ttwd and see a logical end goal.  Although it does feel more structured, more defined and explicit, more step-wise, which makes it seem like it ought to be leading somewhere specific.  But it obviously isn't leading anywhere in particular - there is no brass ring or top tier to reach.  

There are those times that this trip is just not captivating as other times.  Or as internally motivating.   If any trip goes on long enough - there are portions that lead to the inevitable "are we there yet?" or "I'm bored!"  Like the "I" states - the incentive of a goal might be useful.   I guess the trick is to relax and just wait to see what might appear around the next bend.








10 comments:

  1. There isn't a goal with love. There really can't be, because if there is, then once you get there, then you need a new goal.

    This was the problem with my ex. He was always fantasizing about some goal, but as soon as he had it, he lost interest, and wanted another goal.

    This is why our marriage finally ended.

    As soon as he had me, 30 years ago, he wanted anyone else. Literally. Any other female on earth would do, as long as it wasn't the one he already had.

    He was this way with other things too. He'd pine for a certain CD or DVD or video game, book, whatever, but as soon as he got it, he'd put it in a pile of stuff he'd bought, then move on to pining for something else, usually without even bothering to listen, watch, play, or read, whatever it was he'd wanted to buy so badly.

    The pile of stuff he'd bought that he was planning to maybe someday get around to enjoying kept growing and growing and growing . . .

    Anyway, the point is, love isn't a goal, it's the enjoying and the caring and the caring enough to keep going through day after day of "I states" and enjoying each other's company through them, and having a blast together when fun stuff happens, quite often totally unplanned.

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    1. t1klish,
      I think people who are obsessively focused on the goal - or the next acquisition - can never be happy. I think you're absolutely right about love - it has to be able to be there on all the paths we take, i don't think it can be an independent journey of its own. Probably there just isn't a perfectly fitting analogy either, really. thanks.

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  2. I agree with t1klish. Love is a journey. The relationship is the path. Enjoying the journey is the best part.

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    1. lunaKM,
      Welcome. Love's an adventure too, isn't it. But one that i don't ever find myself bored with or anxious about. Sometimes it's just there, comfortably; other times it's more exciting. Maybe it's because we're relatively new, but ttwd does seem to have ups and downs and lulls and challenges. thank you.

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  3. I think there is a goal with Love. Happiness is the goal. But because what makes a person happy changes as life changes, the journey itself never ends. I think it's more "well, we've been here, seen this, now it's time for a new destination". But to me, that is what makes it interesting and worthwhile.

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    1. agog,
      I hadn't thought of it that way - I like the idea of going where it takes you, then looking ahead to see where you could go next.

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  4. I have always wondered why why using the metaphor of a destination and a journey we are always heading somewhere new. It seems to be life rarely works this way, quite the opposite it in fact I often fine my journeys to be very repetitive, literally and figuratively.

    I also think sometimes the journey is the destination. To continue on is to have arrived where you need to be. Like a river in constant motion otherwise the water becomes stagnant.

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    1. I suppose we are prone to view time as necessarily linear - and so we think of life that way also. I like that though - thinking of the goal as to be taking the trip, not the stopping at the end.

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  5. Sir J just blew my mind.

    But yeah - you can never cross the same river twice, and all. I never have described ttwd as a journey, though I do see a lot of people doing that. That'd be... ttw travel? Or something. It's a thing we DO, like breathing, or eating, or drinking. The goal of those things, I suppose, is to sustain life - perhaps the goal of ttwd is to sustain the soul?

    It feels that way for me, anyway. The Real Soul Food.

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    1. He does that sometimes, doesn't he? Sustaining my soul - i like that - it makes me want to say - sustaining our soul - the soul created by the two of us together. Thanks.

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