Saturday, February 25, 2012

making it work


I wonder an awful lot if it's wise, if it's even possible, to make ttwd work added to an existing marriage.  I'm not the only one to wonder this either - lil explains it better than i do i think.  Plenty of the advice and cautionary tales out there say no - it just can't work.  And i suppose that the jury won't be in till we fail and prove them right, or die - and prove them wrong.    
The first time i reached out to anyone to ask questions - my biggest concern, my overriding fear, was that taking the first step would lead down a road that, if it went badly, would destroy what we already had.  It was an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" feeling.  The person to whom i had addressed the question pointed out that just wondering or considering it had already opened a door that changed our path, for better or worse, we couldn't pretend it wasn't there.  
My fears have been pretty specific  - i see how intense our connection and our feelings are with ttwd, i imagined that the depth of the hurt would be far greater when things are not right, i also imagined insurmountable guilt, recrimination and blame if it fell apart.  The depth of the hurt part is true - we have both experienced that - and it is more complicated to get beyond.  I think we do care more, think about each other and our relationship more than we used to.  The high's are higher, and the low's lower.  The question is - is it worth it to us, and can we get through each time.  
For the first time, i'm starting to believe though that we would survive and move forward in our marriage, even if ttwd didn't.  We are still trying to figure out what went wrong, and how to put things back together.  Looking at the possibility that ttwd is not going to work for us has at least made me realize that my underlying assumption, the given in my mind, is that we would of course stay together, just in a new way.   
I've only had experience with this way of going about it all.  In my mind - it would have been so easy had we met and started out as D/s or M/s.  Following the rules, pleasing him, doing as he asks - that is the easy part for me.  It sounds so mindless and freeing and right now that sounds sooooo appealing.  In my imaginings - the depth of the relationship would evolve easily and smoothly from there.  If he's making me into exactly what he wants anyhow - how would there be strife?  I realize that's my little fantasy view of it all - not reality, but sometimes i fall prey to the "If only..."
But we already are who we are, we know each other - good, bad, and ugly, messy and complicated.  I think both of us wish we could just go back and be what we were a few weeks ago.  I think we were even trying to do that as a way to fix things.  But i think we both realize now that we can't go back - that wherever we go - it's going to be new and evolved from where we were and where we are.  



16 comments:

  1. Sometimes the past does seem so appealing doesn't it? But different can be better, so perhaps whatever form things take from here will be the form you both really need.

    I think it shows the overall strength of your relationship that you will continue, D/s or not. Maybe that's an upside of bringing D/s into an existing relationship--you have more invested in the relationship itself as opposed to just certain aspects of it?
    While it's easy to see how things may be going better for others, I'm willing to bet that there are those who will read your post and wish they had a relationship as strong as yours--After all, it's the foundation that really makes a house, not it's paint.

    And hey, sometimes taking a step back allows us to see clearly. It's easier to see the big picture when we aren't smack dab in the middle of it.

    Okay, I'm done writing a blog post in your comments section. Sorry for rambling on so, and hope I made at least a little bit of sense!

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    1. lil,
      The what if's are all a degree of escapism for me - or fantasy. I know the grass is never greener, and i am grateful for what i have. Out of all of this - one of the goods is my realization that we would indeed move forward, differently. And as much as i think i'm open to change - sometimes i'm all talk and the reality just bites.

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  2. gg -- it's interesting that you think if you started out doing TTYD and then got married things would be easier -- um, not true. We had our TTWD Master/slave thing and it hasn't prevented us from having some serious problems.

    There's no real primer to TTYD, there's no reason to identify with any of the couple descriptions (M/s, D/s) you can both forge your own path. Your own version of happy.

    In the end, it's just you and him. If you plant ice your gunna harvest wind. :-)

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. mouse,
      Thank you. i do know that each person's way is their own - and the good and the difficulties are there - and their own. I guess i'm prone to daydream about what if's and if only's when i'm down - but i know this is wishful thinking - not reality. BTW - there's going to be a big dead exhibit here where i live, i may go since i love the music but missed the whole rest of the thing growing up.

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  3. my underlying assumption, the given in my mind, is that we would of course stay together, just in a new way

    I suspect that may turn out to be one of the biggest realizations you can have. Not to mention a very important one to realize thru times of actual difficulty. (As opposed to the hypothetical navel-gazing kind of way.)

    Every marriage I know does its fair share of morphing. Mom going back to school, major sickness, empty nest syndrome - any of it can completely change the marital dynamic. I think that really knowing in your soul that you're in it together, no matter what, must create at least one space where the pressure is off.
    Of course, what do I know about it, except from the outside looking in?

    But I can tell you, starting out your relationship as D/s, with *that* being your main point of connection, is much more of a house built on sand than the strong, genuine bond that you two share.
    If I lose that, what on earth do I have to offer him in replacement?
    Love is a lot harder to turn your back on.

    She Who Speaks As One Of Those People Who Read You And Wish They Had A Relationship That Strong...

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    1. You're absolutely right - it is very a very important realization. And i'm sorry - it wasn't my intention to make anyone else feel bad at all. Self pity is not attractive on me at all.

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    2. Oh I think that's my bad for having a moment of inability to come up with diplomatic phrasing. In retrospect, the word I was looking for was "envious" would have been much better lol.

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  4. I don't have any words of wisdom but I hope you make it work all the same :)

    Dee x

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    1. Dee,
      Thanks. i've been down just long enough that i'm getting tired of myself - so i think things will have to change.

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  5. gg, Joy and I also started our marriage first and added ttwd after. I agree that it makes the highs higher and the lows lower, but I also think that overall it's made our marriage stronger and brought us much closer together. And like other commenters above, I suspect that having the initial foundation that underlay our marriage actually helps, rather than hurts. For one thing, it does provide a glimpse of a landing spot if the ttwd falls apart. If there was never a relationship that didn't incorporate ttwd, where would you go if that had to end?

    Anyway, hope you guys work through the situation okay!

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    1. Jake - i do think that there is something to be said for the lack of an easy out - whatever comes along - we have to live with it - together - so we have to really work at it.Plus - well - we already love each other. Thanks

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  6. It's relationships. They're just frigging hard. At least, if they're going to be more than rote, staying together through habit, they're gonna be hard.

    Sending positive energy,

    aisha

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    1. no kidding - huh? thank you - i appreciate it.

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    2. Laughing, that was kind of stating the obvious, wasn't' it???

      aisha

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  7. The thing about rivers and life is they only flow in one direction. It was always about you and him and making a way together. Vanilla, D/s, M/s, TTWD, long distance, short distance whatever the flavour of your relationship the only important part is that there is a relationship. The rest is just tools you use to define and it and shape it and in the end your's will end up looking a little different then everyone else's.

    Personally I think that is a good thing.

    For the record the advice of that friend way back at the beginning of your journey is just as true now as it was then. You cannot pretend that all that has happened has not changed you, the door was opened and the path was taken. Now just as then though that path is the past and a new door and new direction is yours for the choosing and there are no wrong answers, no wrong directions. There are only your answers and your directions.

    Bon voyage.

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    1. Sir J,
      thank you - i think maybe now it's time for me to wake up and work to figure out my answers.

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