good choice

The local telephone book where we are on our break....

stop digging

I looked over my past 6 or 7 or 8 posts - and cringed.  I think I've been cringing internally for a few weeks now, maybe longer.  How's that saying go - "if you're stuck at the bottom of a hole - stop digging."  But i couldn't stop.  Things have been so off.

I've been in a self perpetuating loop of doubt and want and insecurity.  And i've been convinced the only way to make it stop was to figure it all out.  I could see myself wanting to stop, wanting to just let go and be, but instead i kept digging and kept trying to reason it out.  And the more energy i spent thinking about everything - the more i also saw myself focus on me.

The feeling became more and more overwhelming, the feeling that i was being self centered and greedy - in a not so good way.  It's a really icky feeling.  And of course - i thought he should be doing *something* to help fix it.

He isn't going to dig around in my head - he just isn't.  He knows when i'm completely preoccupied and absorbed and when i'm more relaxed, more at peace with things.  He will ask me what's wrong, he will expect me to try to explain, to see if he can help, and he will reassure me. He will do physical things to help counter stress.  But he won't get inside and manipulate my mind.

And - DUH - how could he.

Yesterday, we had some alone time.  He moved through a lovely hand spanking, with his other hand tweaking and teasing, making me reach for more. Then on to a long time with the crop, increasing slowly but inexorable in intensity.  Then he started with the flogger.  I used to love the flogger, but recently i haven't been able to take it.  Recently i break down and I fight it every inch of the way.  The anger and the tears are cathartic, but not the same.

This time something made me think, "This is what he wants."  And i found myself saying that over and over - what he wants, what he wants....  Each time the flogger landed, hard, or stinging, on my back or my ass, over and over - what he wants.

And it felt so beautiful, and it went on and on, and it felt like things got righter and righter with each blow.  And it has carried over, i think i may be able to keep that - what he wants.

(ok - so this makes me cringe a little - kinda sappy and melodramatic for me - but it sure beats the icky feeling i had before)

Spring Break

We haven't in a long time - but we're taking one this year.  

Next week.  

I feel like my brain packed up and left awhile ago though. 

It's too bad because i feel like i need it.  

I'm hoping i'll catch up to it and convince it to come back.

 

Pain

It's a funny thing,

And a difficult, unwieldy tool i think.

But it's where my mind goes.   

When my mind goes off a million scattered directions at once - which is unhelpful, and unproductive, and dangerous to my overall state of being.

When the need is palpable.

master me

Something i wrote to my husband recently:

There are relationships that revolve around the Dom constantly conquering the sub - every interaction is a test of wills - that's not me - not us.  The other end of that spectrum is a sub who does everything asked, nicely, sweetly, the first time, with a smile. Or better yet - can just predict what he wants and does it before even being asked. Sounds great - but for that she wouldn't need a Dom - i wouldn't need you.  

Because that is what i am looking for - not in a slave way - but looking for you to master me.

We've been working on stuff- and re-connecting.   

And i've been trying to explain what i feel like i need. 

Because all arguments about who is in charge, who decides, who gets to have needs and who shouldn't think that way -  all that aside - i do have some needs in this that, if not met, lead to me coming to a grinding halt on lots of levels (thanks mouse). 

I tried to list things - but most things really aren't needs once i really look at them.

And some things are - but they are there - have always been there, don't need to be considered because they are met just by virtue of who we are to each other.

What i come back to is containment, or control, or stopping the noise, or being made still, or focused, being made to feel submissive, to feel my submission....  They are all so very, very related for me.  

This is what i think it is to master me, what i need in all this.  

sunshine

I've been having a great deal of difficulty communicating lately.  Everything is wrong and feels hopeless and everything i do screws things up further....

I can't figure out at all what i feel is wrong - or absolutely everything feels wrong - which clearly isn't the truth - so it's my perceptions that are warped.  I end up trying to explain myself and i make no sense - because - i make no sense to myself either.

And i can't see or hear straight - I feel like this or that happened and must have meant this or that catastrophic thing - then he points out that in fact this or that is what actually happened or didn't actually happen - i can't argue with the truth of what he points out - or the obvious conclusion that my assumption was baseless and my conclusion was wrong.

Today the sun is shining - that's a big deal here where i live this time of year - and i'm having what i hope is a little clarity inside my head too.

This link/story/post struck me when i first read it - more like hit me in the gut.  I had feelings and opinions about it - but i was reluctant to think about them too hard.  The first because it's so extreme that it just would never apply to me.  The second - well - i think i knew that it did apply - just not at all in the same way as it did/does for her.



http://sub-typical.blogspot.com/2011/07/expectationsare-they-right-or-privilege.html

I couldn't abide this, I couldn't stay.  Not even in the twist the words around way of saying it's what he wants so - no matter what it is - doing it fulfils me - not even then.  The resentment and ill will and pissed off of it would win.  Also - it would be bad for me, in an unsustainable, something would have to give kind of way.

This isn't my predicament - this is an extraordinarily extreme example - and imho - an example of intentional cruelty.  Not my situation at all.

Actually - i don't think i have a predicament - what i have is a learning curve, a misunderstanding of what is going on and of what is expected, or wanted.

That - and a strong case of trying to dictate my submission - if not his dominance.

The point of this part is that it has to be good for both of us - there has to be a mutual care and benefit or it won't last.

 And the funny part is - i have trouble accepting that, or coming to terms with it, or coming to terms with the fact that he's going to make sure that is how he does things no matter what i think.

There's oh sooooo much more to this, but this is as far as the clarity is going for me right now.

noise

Way too much of it in my head.

I've figured out a lot of stuff.

And one of those things i've figured out -

is that thinking can't fix everything.

There seem to be times that doing is what is called for.

And maybe just doing can help with the noise....

more about submission

lil asked me to write more about the differences between submission and being enslaved. And i needed to think this through just a little more.

Because i don't really understand myself in all this...


Which is not the same as not knowing what terms to use. 


Not understanding myself means i can't fully embrace myself in all this.  It means parts of me are still fighting it, but without being able to point to exactly what it is they are fighting.

And frankly - i'm weary of the internal strife.

In comment to my last post - mouse said something that set off a lightbulb:  Now, we decided that mouse needs to remember her purpose...


And that is a big piece of the puzzle for me. 




*with emphasis - for me - i don't have any notion that this would possibly apply to anyone but me* For me, the difference between slavery and submission doesn't have to do with consent.  I think that the relevant part has to do with how I see my purpose.  


I'm not able to feel my purpose as, above all else, to serve him.  


As a wife, as a mother, as a professional in the field i work in, as a person with attachments and connections, I'm used to examining and prioritizing needs of others and serving those needs over my own.  We all do that.  But i am not able to imagine letting go of myself and fundamentally aligning my purpose to him above all else. 


I have poked at it in my head, and tried it on, and there is no openness in my mind for that, no faint trace of recognition of the idea to make me think it is a part of me somewhere.  


It's not like concepts that you just feel are wrong; the ones that, without needing to be taught, you just know you don't accept.  It doesn't engender any negative response in me.  


But neither does it attract or intrigue or awaken any kind of wistfulness or curiosity or desire like so many other aspects to ttwd have over the past few years.  I can in fact wrap my head around how other people would feel this way.  But i don't feel it.  


There is a deep, strong, very compelling feeling in me of wanting to submit to him.  I'm not sure i can really explain the feeling - but i don't doubt it.  Even when i doubt a lot of other things, I know that it's real and that it is important. 


I've been brutally honest with myself - wondering if maybe this was really all just kink that should stay in the bedroom, but which i've blown out of proportion or wished into existence.  


It's not.


It's also not a role i think a woman is "supposed" to take for traditional or cultural or religious reasons.  I think a woman should take this role if it is the truest to her nature and allows her to relate to her partner in the most natural and honest way.  


Which it does for me.  


I want to please him - not in a teacher's pet,  "make him give me positive feedback" way - but i want him to be happy, to feel joy, to have a nice life - and i want to do things to make that reality happen. 


I want him to be happy with me because i know now that this brings him happiness.  


I want to be the best i can in all my roles because i see now that this brings him a great deal of joy.  


And i want to make our home and our family life good because to him - that is the biggest part of having a nice life.  


And i want to be open to him - because that is what he wants - and because that is a big part of how i can accomplish all the rest.