lil asked me to write more about the differences between submission and being enslaved. And i needed to think this through just a little more.
Because i don't really understand myself in all this...
Which is not the same as not knowing what terms to use.
Not understanding myself means i can't fully embrace myself in all this. It means parts of me are still fighting it, but without being able to point to exactly what it is they are fighting.
And frankly - i'm weary of the internal strife.
In comment to my last post - mouse said something that set off a lightbulb: Now, we decided that mouse needs to remember her purpose...
And that is a big piece of the puzzle for me.
*with emphasis - for me - i don't have any notion that this would possibly apply to anyone but me* For me, the difference between slavery and submission doesn't have to do with consent. I think that the relevant part has to do with how I see my purpose.
I'm not able to feel my purpose as, above all else, to serve him.
As a wife, as a mother, as a professional in the field i work in, as a person with attachments and connections, I'm used to examining and prioritizing needs of others and serving those needs over my own. We all do that. But i am not able to imagine letting go of myself and fundamentally aligning my purpose to him above all else.
I have poked at it in my head, and tried it on, and there is no openness in my mind for that, no faint trace of recognition of the idea to make me think it is a part of me somewhere.
It's not like concepts that you just feel are wrong; the ones that, without needing to be taught, you just know you don't accept. It doesn't engender any negative response in me.
But neither does it attract or intrigue or awaken any kind of wistfulness or curiosity or desire like so many other aspects to ttwd have over the past few years. I can in fact wrap my head around how other people would feel this way. But i don't feel it.
There is a deep, strong, very compelling feeling in me of wanting to submit to him. I'm not sure i can really explain the feeling - but i don't doubt it. Even when i doubt a lot of other things, I know that it's real and that it is important.
I've been brutally honest with myself - wondering if maybe this was really all just kink that should stay in the bedroom, but which i've blown out of proportion or wished into existence.
It's also not a role i think a woman is "supposed" to take for traditional or cultural or religious reasons. I think a woman should take this role if it is the truest to her nature and allows her to relate to her partner in the most natural and honest way.
Which it does for me.
I want to please him - not in a teacher's pet, "make him give me positive feedback" way - but i want him to be happy, to feel joy, to have a nice life - and i want to do things to make that reality happen.
I want him to be happy with me because i know now that this brings him happiness.
I want to be the best i can in all my roles because i see now that this brings him a great deal of joy.
And i want to make our home and our family life good because to him - that is the biggest part of having a nice life.
And i want to be open to him - because that is what he wants - and because that is a big part of how i can accomplish all the rest.