lil asked me to write more about the differences between submission and being enslaved. And i needed to think this through just a little more.
Because i don't really understand myself in all this...
Which is not the same as not knowing what terms to use.
Not understanding myself means i can't fully embrace myself in all this. It means parts of me are still fighting it, but without being able to point to exactly what it is they are fighting.
And frankly - i'm weary of the internal strife.
In comment to my last post - mouse said something that set off a lightbulb: Now, we decided that mouse needs to remember her purpose...
And that is a big piece of the puzzle for me.
*with emphasis - for me - i don't have any notion that this would possibly apply to anyone but me* For me, the difference between slavery and submission doesn't have to do with consent. I think that the relevant part has to do with how I see my purpose.
I'm not able to feel my purpose as, above all else, to serve him.
As a wife, as a mother, as a professional in the field i work in, as a person with attachments and connections, I'm used to examining and prioritizing needs of others and serving those needs over my own. We all do that. But i am not able to imagine letting go of myself and fundamentally aligning my purpose to him above all else.
I have poked at it in my head, and tried it on, and there is no openness in my mind for that, no faint trace of recognition of the idea to make me think it is a part of me somewhere.
It's not like concepts that you just feel are wrong; the ones that, without needing to be taught, you just know you don't accept. It doesn't engender any negative response in me.
But neither does it attract or intrigue or awaken any kind of wistfulness or curiosity or desire like so many other aspects to ttwd have over the past few years. I can in fact wrap my head around how other people would feel this way. But i don't feel it.
There is a deep, strong, very compelling feeling in me of wanting to submit to him. I'm not sure i can really explain the feeling - but i don't doubt it. Even when i doubt a lot of other things, I know that it's real and that it is important.
I've been brutally honest with myself - wondering if maybe this was really all just kink that should stay in the bedroom, but which i've blown out of proportion or wished into existence.
It's not.
It's also not a role i think a woman is "supposed" to take for traditional or cultural or religious reasons. I think a woman should take this role if it is the truest to her nature and allows her to relate to her partner in the most natural and honest way.
Which it does for me.
I want to please him - not in a teacher's pet, "make him give me positive feedback" way - but i want him to be happy, to feel joy, to have a nice life - and i want to do things to make that reality happen.
I want him to be happy with me because i know now that this brings him happiness.
I want to be the best i can in all my roles because i see now that this brings him a great deal of joy.
And i want to make our home and our family life good because to him - that is the biggest part of having a nice life.
And i want to be open to him - because that is what he wants - and because that is a big part of how i can accomplish all the rest.
Very insightful post. As long as you see, feel and believe your purpose what you call it shouldn't really matter.
ReplyDeletethank you. This helped me define part of what i see as not my purpose - i am far from being able to define what i do think it is. i think that for most people - that's a very complex answer - me included.
DeleteCouldn't figure out what to say so mouse sent an email instead :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs,
mouse
mouse - sincerely - thank you.
DeleteThank you.
ReplyDelete"For me, the difference between slavery and submission doesn't have to do with consent. I think that the relevant part has to do with how I see my purpose.
I'm not able to feel my purpose as, above all else, to serve him."
This is...Well, when I figure out exactly how the lights in my head are turning on, I'll be back. Or ramble in my corner...
i'm not quite sure how to take this - are they warning lights - danger, danger - i hope i haven't lost all your respect. He is a huge part of the complicated equation of my life - but not the only variable. I don't think he would be comfortable with being the only factor in my life in any case.
DeleteOh the ones in my head are good lights. Which is nice, because it's usually a train.
DeleteFar from losing respect, you have helped to shine light on a couple of concepts that I have been grappling with for a while. And you have also helped me find words for those concepts.
I respect the effort and wondering you put into your submission and your relationship, and the fact that you are so honest and introspective on your blog.
And I wonder that perhaps there is a difference between extreme devotion and someone being the only factor in one's life. With the crazy world we live in, I don't know that it's really possible for one person to be the only factor in anyone's life...
I might need more coffee to make sense. It is apparently taking more than two cups these days lol.
I must admit I got a little lost between the top of this post and the bottom. The top tells us you don't see yourself as devoting your entire being to him and his service and the bottom exactly how and that it is your nature to do just that. Curious.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it is that you do not want to wait on him and perhaps he does not want that either. That makes sense I do not to be waited on either in my relationship but to serve has many other meanings. I mentioned to someone else recently that I believe motivation or intent along with actions, far more than the actions themselves define who are.
Perhaps a look at your motivation for your stated purpose will help and then the actions will be what they may.
I did recognize that the bottom of the post started to sound contradictory to the top. I don't know how other people's minds work - but i'm not able to believe that i could give up my self and put him and his wishes ahead of all else - essentially turning off my inner voice. He is very important to me, i have placed my trust in him to follow, part of that trust is that he has my overall interest at heart. I need that to be the case.
DeleteI think looking at my motivations is probably a wise idea - although i am not sure i can state a purpose - and i'm not sure i could find just one global one to examine.
I have found that it can be a great relief to finally get a hold on just *why* I'm doing or choosing something.
ReplyDeleteThe realization may not change any part of my actions but when I get things properly framed, they settle down into a nice, reliable, workable place, rather than continuing as some annoying buzz that keeps calling me to come back and poke at it.
(That is a completely wild mixture of metaphor but I think you may see what I mean...)
i am indeed anxious to get past the current buzz - more like a din really. and yes - being able to see how important or non important things are is a huge part of that. thanks.
DeleteSo beautifully said. i'm glad you're finding your way through this and shedding light for the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteYou've given me a lot to think about in the way you frame it. For me, i think i have a "slave heart" although i'm not even sure i know what that means exactly. And i know that i can't turn off my internal compass either and make serving HIm everything. If that were what He wanted, He wouldn't be the right Sir for me.
Then there's what Ms. Constance says about slaves ~ her slave Drew, for sure, but others too ~ that "a slave is a dominant who chooses to serve."
And being a loving submissive is a good place to be on its own merit...
Thank you.
aisha