I've been having a great deal of difficulty communicating lately. Everything is wrong and feels hopeless and everything i do screws things up further....
I can't figure out at all what i feel is wrong - or absolutely everything feels wrong - which clearly isn't the truth - so it's my perceptions that are warped. I end up trying to explain myself and i make no sense - because - i make no sense to myself either.
And i can't see or hear straight - I feel like this or that happened and must have meant this or that catastrophic thing - then he points out that in fact this or that is what actually happened or didn't actually happen - i can't argue with the truth of what he points out - or the obvious conclusion that my assumption was baseless and my conclusion was wrong.
Today the sun is shining - that's a big deal here where i live this time of year - and i'm having what i hope is a little clarity inside my head too.
This link/story/post struck me when i first read it - more like hit me in the gut. I had feelings and opinions about it - but i was reluctant to think about them too hard. The first because it's so extreme that it just would never apply to me. The second - well - i think i knew that it did apply - just not at all in the same way as it did/does for her.
I couldn't abide this, I couldn't stay. Not even in the twist the words around way of saying it's what he wants so - no matter what it is - doing it fulfils me - not even then. The resentment and ill will and pissed off of it would win. Also - it would be bad for me, in an unsustainable, something would have to give kind of way.
This isn't my predicament - this is an extraordinarily extreme example - and imho - an example of intentional cruelty. Not my situation at all.
Actually - i don't think i have a predicament - what i have is a learning curve, a misunderstanding of what is going on and of what is expected, or wanted.
That - and a strong case of trying to dictate my submission - if not his dominance.
The point of this part is that it has to be good for both of us - there has to be a mutual care and benefit or it won't last.
And the funny part is - i have trouble accepting that, or coming to terms with it, or coming to terms with the fact that he's going to make sure that is how he does things no matter what i think.
There's oh sooooo much more to this, but this is as far as the clarity is going for me right now.