Saturday, March 10, 2012


I've been having a great deal of difficulty communicating lately.  Everything is wrong and feels hopeless and everything i do screws things up further....

I can't figure out at all what i feel is wrong - or absolutely everything feels wrong - which clearly isn't the truth - so it's my perceptions that are warped.  I end up trying to explain myself and i make no sense - because - i make no sense to myself either.

And i can't see or hear straight - I feel like this or that happened and must have meant this or that catastrophic thing - then he points out that in fact this or that is what actually happened or didn't actually happen - i can't argue with the truth of what he points out - or the obvious conclusion that my assumption was baseless and my conclusion was wrong.

Today the sun is shining - that's a big deal here where i live this time of year - and i'm having what i hope is a little clarity inside my head too.

This link/story/post struck me when i first read it - more like hit me in the gut.  I had feelings and opinions about it - but i was reluctant to think about them too hard.  The first because it's so extreme that it just would never apply to me.  The second - well - i think i knew that it did apply - just not at all in the same way as it did/does for her.

I couldn't abide this, I couldn't stay.  Not even in the twist the words around way of saying it's what he wants so - no matter what it is - doing it fulfils me - not even then.  The resentment and ill will and pissed off of it would win.  Also - it would be bad for me, in an unsustainable, something would have to give kind of way.

This isn't my predicament - this is an extraordinarily extreme example - and imho - an example of intentional cruelty.  Not my situation at all.

Actually - i don't think i have a predicament - what i have is a learning curve, a misunderstanding of what is going on and of what is expected, or wanted.

That - and a strong case of trying to dictate my submission - if not his dominance.

The point of this part is that it has to be good for both of us - there has to be a mutual care and benefit or it won't last.

 And the funny part is - i have trouble accepting that, or coming to terms with it, or coming to terms with the fact that he's going to make sure that is how he does things no matter what i think.

There's oh sooooo much more to this, but this is as far as the clarity is going for me right now.


  1. Hmmm...that post is old but seems to be getting a lot of attention lately. You are not the only one that feels a real gut-punch about it. I have had to limit my time around that "family" for the very same reason--I just don't approve.

    The problem with the situation I wrote about--and why we can safely call it abuse--is that the slaves NEEDS are not being met.

    I wish I had advice, but I don't. Poor communication seems to be going around as I have been suffering with a bad case of it.

    I hope it gets better for you!

    1. Dannah,
      that one stuck with me since i read it. Like i said - it is extreme - but it raises valid points and questions that became important now for us. thank you.

  2. Hey, I've been having trouble with words and clarity lately, too!
    How's your balance? Been feeling vertiginous?
    Cuz I'm thinking maybe you have work-induced concussion...
    (no, really, look it up!)

    1. Hmmm - i think i'l leave the research up to you and lil - you can find out and diagnose from afar - frankly i think it's more a case of just plain crazy.

  3. I continually have issues with words and clarity. Especially the verbal kind.
    I hope the sun shines some more light in your mind. Even if it's only metaphorical sunshine.

    And the last time I looked something up for Jz was somewhat traumatic. Though the subject matter is quite different, so you're probably safe lol.

    1. It has come to my attention that I should take some responsibility for the last thing I looked up for Jz. 95% responsibility to be exact lol.
      Further proof that initiative in the wrong direction can be terribly overrated!

    2. Hey, my only contribution was to say, "I await the results" - the rest was pure you, woman!
      (Plus, I cannot help but feel that if you choose "has anyone ever choked to death on cock?" as your google search term, your loins should already be pre-girded against what the returns may be!) ;-p

      (hi, gg! Nice blog you have here!) ;-)

    3. hi guys - hope you got it all worked out and no permanent scars were suffered.

  4. I had to go have a look see at your link. Wow! I was intrigued with the post and all the comments! I of course have the same opinion as the majority but who knows why people do what they do eh? Anyhow, I hope you rediscover your communicating skills soon and find that elusive clarity.

    Dee x

    1. Dee,
      thanks - i think we are starting in the right direction. It was an intriguing story - in a fairly horrible way. But the hypotheticals are good to look at sometimes.