stop digging

I looked over my past 6 or 7 or 8 posts - and cringed.  I think I've been cringing internally for a few weeks now, maybe longer.  How's that saying go - "if you're stuck at the bottom of a hole - stop digging."  But i couldn't stop.  Things have been so off.

I've been in a self perpetuating loop of doubt and want and insecurity.  And i've been convinced the only way to make it stop was to figure it all out.  I could see myself wanting to stop, wanting to just let go and be, but instead i kept digging and kept trying to reason it out.  And the more energy i spent thinking about everything - the more i also saw myself focus on me.

The feeling became more and more overwhelming, the feeling that i was being self centered and greedy - in a not so good way.  It's a really icky feeling.  And of course - i thought he should be doing *something* to help fix it.

He isn't going to dig around in my head - he just isn't.  He knows when i'm completely preoccupied and absorbed and when i'm more relaxed, more at peace with things.  He will ask me what's wrong, he will expect me to try to explain, to see if he can help, and he will reassure me. He will do physical things to help counter stress.  But he won't get inside and manipulate my mind.

And - DUH - how could he.

Yesterday, we had some alone time.  He moved through a lovely hand spanking, with his other hand tweaking and teasing, making me reach for more. Then on to a long time with the crop, increasing slowly but inexorable in intensity.  Then he started with the flogger.  I used to love the flogger, but recently i haven't been able to take it.  Recently i break down and I fight it every inch of the way.  The anger and the tears are cathartic, but not the same.

This time something made me think, "This is what he wants."  And i found myself saying that over and over - what he wants, what he wants....  Each time the flogger landed, hard, or stinging, on my back or my ass, over and over - what he wants.

And it felt so beautiful, and it went on and on, and it felt like things got righter and righter with each blow.  And it has carried over, i think i may be able to keep that - what he wants.

(ok - so this makes me cringe a little - kinda sappy and melodramatic for me - but it sure beats the icky feeling i had before)