please talk to me

This is also from the files of, "His Way - Not Mine."

He doesn't talk to me during beatings.

[I know "beatings" is an uncomfortable term for it.  Sometimes he calls it play, but that's broader, with a different intent. Sometimes it really is just a lot of impact and pain.  We understand each other - when he talks about a beating - it's something i need, sometimes have asked for, most certainly have consented to.]

But he doesn't talk to me when it's this.  This is never a punishment, but is often a re-set, an adjustment, an opportunity for him to push and me to submit more deeply.  He commands or corrects, sometimes encourages if it's particularly difficult, but there is no commentary or explanation.

Most recently he was using canes (but just one at a time).  He doesn't typically do a few really, really hard strokes.  He goes on for a long time - some strokes are very, very hard, but most are just below what i think i can take.  I don't float away with the canes.  Often i end up angry, frantic, and not handling it before i eventually settle down.  On a good day i can stay on top of it with a lot of work and some tears.  

This day i was fighting to stay on top of it.  I could feel myself getting angry.  Often i have a good idea of what he wants it to be about, what he wants my focus to be.  But this time i didn't.  This was harder and longer and didn't feel like what i thought he wanted it to be about.  It started to feel like a punishment, which made me angry and confused.

As the anger threatened to throw me off the edge and out of control, i asked him to talk to me.  I hoped he would explain what he was looking for, or let me know what i had done that he wanted me to change, or why he was angry, what i should be sorry for.....

His response was to describe what he was seeing: the sunlight filtering in and the patches of light and shadow over his view, me lying open in front of him, how much he loved the colors - the white of my ass, the contrast of the brown where i'm tan, the dusky red where most of the blows had landed, and the stripes where only a few harder ones had.  He talked about wanting a picture, but opting to just keep this memory.

All of this sweetness while still bringing the cane down again and again, at this point with both a fierce burning and that deep bruising pain.  I was completely taken aback.  I expected a lecture, or an expression of disappointment.  I wanted to tell him he was doing it wrong - he wasn't supposed to be loving with this kind of pain.  But i also remembered he has always, always said that he will not use any of this for punishment, and he will not do any of it while he is angry.  I should have known that more deeply.