Friday, April 20, 2012

Sex Ed

Aisha wrote about and posted a link to this week's Newsweek article about the hubbub surrounding 50 Shades of Gray.  I've not read the book, and i probably won't - if for no other reason than that books that come into the house get noticed by our boys who read like they breath - constantly, reflexively, involuntarily.  Our house is not set up for privacy: computers and the toybox are the only restricted access.  It is challenging to read anything and not have it at least noticed.  Once upon a time we could tell them a book or a movie had "kissing and stuff" in it and that was enough to insure it was left alone.  Those days ended years ago.

These days, we have to be aware of what we bring into the house.  Which is the issue with the Newsweek article.  They read Newsweek.  We've had to have other very difficult discussions about very difficult topics brought up in various news stories - genocide, war, hate crimes, abortion, war crimes...  We try to strike a balance between protecting their innocence and their view of humanity as good, vs. a 'stick your head in the sand and pretend it's is all rainbows and daisies' view of the world.  I'm not sure my husband or I has the answers to why people do evil things - but we share what we know and what we believe and we tell them how we hope they will come to engage with the world.

We've even discussed our views and our values around reproductive rights and homosexuality and what makes a family.  They know we will accept and love them, what ever they come to discover about their sexuality.  Except that's not true for every aspect of sexuality; we've talked about same sex relationships and our views vs. the  views of much of the world.  We haven't talked about kink, at all.  And I'm not at all sure how we would or if i think we should.

I grew up with my parents living their sex life out in the open, way, way out in the open. Nudity was the norm and I (we - all of the kids) saw the touching and the groping and the doing, as well as the forcing and the fighting and the manipulation and the hurting each other.  My husband grew up in a house in which he believed his parents were asexual or at least celibate so reserved and private were they about modesty and affection, much less sex.

I've been a teenage girl.  My view of sex was likely quite skewed, but i know generally how young, teenaged girls think and feel about it.  I have no idea about boys.  Yes - i'm a mom and still have eyes on the back of my head - but the workings of the adolescent male brain are a giant black hole to me. My sense is that, for them, sex is a mystery, an obsession, a driving force, a frustration, and maybe something that controls them more than they control it.  Obviously, I hope that last one isn't true, but, like i said, a giant black hole.

Our overarching theme so far in discussing any aspects of sex with our boys has been respect: respect for themselves, respect for their partners, insisting they are respected by others, respect for other people when it comes to joking or teasing about sex (because there will be joking and teasing about sex).  And i wonder if it is possible to explain kink at all in a way that lets them see the respect.  I wonder if their young, inexperienced, hormone addled, not-fully-developed-by-a-long-shot brains, could grasp what so many adults can't: that what appears hurtful or disrespectful or even wrong may be loving and good and right - in the right context.

We try to strike what we think is a healthy balance - all parents do - right?  We demonstrate affection, we want them to know that bodies are beautiful and not sinful, but that all people have the right to privacy.  They know that we have (gasp!) sex, but they also know that is something between just the two of us.  Of course we have no intention of making the details of our sex life explicit to them, not the vanilla aspects, nor the kinky ones.  

I know that they are and will be exposed to ideas from all over - not just in our home.  I know that many of those ideas and images will be far more dangerous than this.  And i know that boys all over the world grow up and sort out all the seeds of ideas that got dropped into the hormonal stew of their adolescence.  And - I have until they get home from school today to decide if i will leave this issue of Newsweek in the pile with the rest of the mail, or if i will tuck it away for my husband to take with him next week when he travels.







16 comments:

  1. Joey also did a nice review here: http://joeyred51-joeyandfriends.blogspot.com/2012/04/fantasy-life-of-working-women.html

    Sexuality of all types is one of the hardest things to take on with kids, I think, but it may be one of the most important, so I don't know if I would avoid leaving this one out.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

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    1. Kitty,
      Thanks for the link - another interesting take on it. We lean towards not leaving things out - i think it's finding the right level to make it useful and not bad for them.

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  2. Great post topic! How lucky you are to have such voracious readers. I think this is an age that kids really have to be protected. There is simply too much information out there, and now with it filtering into mainstream media, it's even more of a challenge. I worry about the fact that kids can gain knowledge about the advanced stuff, before they really have an inkling about the very basics.

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    1. Serenity,
      Thanks, It is a challenge - the information out there - or - that seems to invade. I know i often want to shut myself off from it. I hope we are teaching them discernment and coping.

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  3. GG, An answer in two parts. I exceeded my word count allowance.

    I haven't read the books or the article, but my suggestion, and what we did, was to just keep things basic. I'm not sure how kink is radically different from homosexuality inasmuch as it's just a different choice. If you need to deal with the graphic stuff, like flogging say, it might benefit you to remember that in some European countries being flogged with a birch limb is typical massage technique. It brings blood to the surface causing a warming feeling and releases endorphins that cause a feeling of well being. Who knew? Oh wait, WE that partake did! There's no real need to point out that in some folks it also causes orgasms so strong that it results in broken furniture. If it turns out to be their kink as well as yours, they'll figure out the last part on their own.

    Past that I'm afraid I must advise a level of minor deception. If you are asked about something with no intersection in the vanilla world like birching has, say face slapping or verbal degradation, then I feel you have two options. If it happens to be something you enjoy, you could tell them that your understanding is that "Some people" enjoy that activity for {Insert your own reasons for loving it here}. This gets them the information without requiring them to face the fact that mom and dad do it. After all other people have crazy, wild sex all the time (Just like on MTV) and that's who their minds will presume you to be referencing. If they actually ask how you know, point out with a wink that you subscribe to Newsweek, DUHHH. If you just plain don't want to broach a subject, I suggest you say something like what I use. You'll have to change the story to fit your experiences, but here's how I explained Homosexuality once when I needed to dodge details. The story I told was true by the way.

    "Buddy, you know I was in the Air Force right?"

    "Yes"

    Well, I've met people that like to go up and parachute out of airplanes just for fun. I've got a cousin that was a soldier whose job was to jump out of airplanes, and he turned down other jobs to get that one. In the Air Force we flew around all the time, and you know what? I have never in my life had any idea at all what would cause someone to WANT to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. To me that's just hoping a tablecloth on strings can slow them down. I think they are just begging to fall. But one day one of those people who didn't know I felt that way told me they thought I was crazy because I ride my motorcycle on the highway with all those other people out there, and I'm just begging to get run over some day. I decided if they chose to jump out of airplanes for fun and they were willing to let me ride motorcycles for fun, that was ok by me. It's a free country and they have the right to make their own choices. I don't have to understand it. I think homosexuality is kind of the same thing. I'm a boy that likes girls. If some other boy likes boys, that's their choice and their right. My only responsibility is to treat them fair and decent, and let them do their thing so I can do mine."

    In my case that worked pretty well.

    Continued....

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    1. MC,
      Your stories made me smile. We do try to go with a live and let live - as long as no one is being hurt - message. Sometimes, for lots of different topics, we go with the cop out - "that's something that is just very complex and people do different things - for many people it's not a bad thing because they've made careful decisions.."

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  4. Lastly I wanted to say remember to let them come to you with things, don't get anxious. When I gained a child with my Ginger and her (now OUR) child joining the family, I had to learn to do the daddy thing well and fast, so I read everything I could get about the topic. One story that has always stuck with me involved a mom who was watching the news while her little girl, age 6 or 7 or so, did her homework in the floor in the living room. A story came on about Sesame Streets’ Burt and Ernie puppets being accused of being metaphors for a gay couple and the Street had an evil plot to turn all children into adults that would tolerate such behavior. This was very upsetting to certain religious groups. The little girls' head popped up at the mention of Sesame Street, and she watched the whole report closely. Meanwhile Mom is on the couch, heart pounding, as she tries to decide how to explain homosexuality to her first-grader. The story wraps up, and after a moment the mom’s fears are realized as her daughter turns to her and says "Mom....."

    “Yes Sweetheart" Says the mom, and the little girl says…… "

    "They...........................They're............................................Puppets?"

    She never did ask what gay meant. Good luck

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    1. and yes - we've noticed that it's good to listen first rather than panic first. Thanks - i like that story too.

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  5. That is a hard decision to make. I think at this tender age I would hide the newsweek but I never quite know how to answer those questions. The other day my daughter said "If you don't want to do it, just don't he's not the boss of you". Daddy and I just stared at eachother then I just said "he kind of is honey" and the subject got dropped.

    It's funny sometimes they ask less questions about the big things. (well the things that are big to us, anyway).

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    1. DB,
      It's funny - i would have more trouble facing a discussion of the shift in power in the household than the sex one. Maybe because they've always known us and would likely notice anything drastic changing. But you're right - their perspective and ours abotu what's big and what isn't are soooo different. Thanks.

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  6. We believe in being honest about sex with kids. Not our sex life but in general.

    And also that's why mouse now reads books on her iPad. No one knows what she is reading. Ha!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Mouse,
      We do too - and we certainly wouldn't need or want to tell them that the kink discussion just so happened to apply to us. I do wonder about how to frame discussions though - what level. The boys surprise me so often. And - my husband has an ipad - and he has used it to read a few things he didn't wish them to discover.

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  7. I love my kindle. I have read 50 shades of Grey, in fact the whole three book series. Not the best I have read not the worst.

    As for sex kids will figure it all out with or with out us just as we did. I knew my parents had sex at some point and like most kids I push that memory of walking in on them on the living room floor to the far recesses of my mind. I believe our role is to show by example a happy loving couple and what that looks like and to give them the facts they are comfortable with at the time they are comfortable to hear them.

    How they turn out as sexual beings, straight, gay, bi, kinky only they and time will tell and I believe it is largely out of our hands. People do not end up gay or kinky because of parenting and just like our parents sex lives I don't expect to know to much about my kids sex lives so if they do end up kinky they probably will not show it to me any more than I show it to them.

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  8. Sir J,
    I think you're right. The part i am trying to figure out is exactly that - what is what they are comfortable with now - what can they understand and process. I don't believe we have the influence to change whatever they are or are not, but i do believe that there are things they probably can't really make sense of yet - like - hitting is ok or tying someone up and forcing sex is ok. Lots of adults don't seem to be able to comprehend that.

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  9. Sir J's comment makes a lot of sense to me. I understand your anxiety over matters such as this, I have 3 girls and while I try to answer their questions with 'just enough' basic information, my personal opinion is that kids grow up way too fast these days and they 'know' more than they should at their particular age. Id prefer my children to be just that, children. There are just some things that they don't need to know about right now. Saying that, trying to shield them from all these things is a near impossibility in this day and age and I am no expert. I just try to get through any questions that arise the best I can. It's a minefield isn't it.

    Dee x

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  10. Dee,
    I suppose if there were a right answer - it would be published and we would all use it and the world would be perfect - and all that. But everyone is different. I get caught worrying that i am thinking about it too much, or too little. I suppose that's the essence of doing our best. Thanks

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